Gut Rumbles

May 09, 2005

Carnival of the crappers #2

This a genuinely shitty post here, but I had some help putting it together.

First, let's start with the semi-famous MommaBear who emailed this boquet of flowers to me.

Try doing chemo-therapy including one vicious little oral medication.....those little suckers taken 14 days in a row produce some SPECTACULAR flatulence and general muck-up of the entire intestinal tract from just below the pyloric sphincter [discharge end of stomach] all the way through to the final discharge end of the colon !! One has enough gaseous volume to play tunes, if one is skilled enough, and the games that any solid food plays traversing the 22 feet or so of tubing is wondrous to feel - NOT !! The final contents delivered, solely at the timing of its own choice, like 0400 hours, can range from totally messy and gooey to so firmly packed it will NEVER disassemble, ever. Usually the verdampte group finds the most inopportune times to display its wondrous capabilities to all and sundry, including being odiferous enough to knock out a squad or two of Special Forces types.

That's my crapper story and I'm sticking to it.......or, rather, stuck with it for 4 more months.


That's a pretty shameless post, but I have some experience at what MommaBear is going through now. You lose all sense of shame very quickly in that situation. Wish her well

Heh. I KNEW that someone would send me a "How I Shit My PANTS" story, and I was correct. It's right here, courtesy of the North Woods Woman. I've never had Burger King food do that to me. Krystals, on the other hand, are different.

What good is a crap-carnival without a song? This meme was floating like an unflushable around blogdom for a while, so I grabbed this one just because I was wearing rubber gloves at the time.

I've never used a bidet. I find the very idea kinda frightening. But Pumpman doesn't:

BIDETS – THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR WIMMEN Guys have more problems with ass-wiping than the ladies do. Why? Well, for one, we seem to have more HAIR back there around the old shit-chute than the girls do. And what happens when we wad up that big ball of TP? We end up smearing the poo around our bungholes and mingling it with all that hair. What a friggin' mess. I never feel clean when I crap in a public restroom. Wetting TP is out of the question because the only available water is in the bowl, and who knows what germs are doing the backstroke in there. Forget about waddling out of the stall with your pants around your ankles to get to the sink to wet down the TP. You just have to do your best, and know that things are still a bit messy “back there”. Problem solved. When we built our new home, I had the plumber install a BIDET in the shithouse. What a friend that ceramic beauty has become! Now, I won’t crap anywhere but HOME-SWEET-HOME. Use the TP for the “first wipe”, then hop off the shitter and over to the bidet for a nice warm water rinse. Clean as a whistle. I can hear my butthole saying “thanks”. Don’t laugh until you try it. From Pumpman

I think the Straight White Guy took an Uzi crap the other day... you know, just kinda spray and pray. He was kicked by a chicken.

Here's another spine tingling story, if you trace it all the way to the bottom of the spine where you have an opening on the end. Read it if you dare. You may dream about red-hot pokers tonight.

I like Mexican food. I like Mexican food a LOT. But I also know that you end up experiencing most of it twice.

Now, the question at hand is, can a burrito be construed as a deadly weapon?

My answer? Hell, yes! Here's my reasoning why:

There were these burritos sold at a place called Adalberto's on Watt Avenue in North Highlands, CA. They could rightfully be called weapons, because they
sure as heck put the fear of God in me. I barely had time to get home to the reading room before the dreaded TEC-9/UZI effect took over. (that would be
"spray and pray" for the uninitiated) Mrs. G-98 and I spent the better part of the evening cleaning, scrubbing, bleaching, and doing laundry. It got EVERYWHERE. So, yeah, burritos can be a bad thing®.


And last, but not least, a somewhat edited version of a mail that I received from someone I can't remember now. Speak up and I'll give you due credit.

FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the aborts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE PAUL. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Paul makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

I kinda like this carnival. For a while, I thought I was the only person twisted enough to discuss defecation in an intellectual manner.



Posted by: Jim - PRS on May 9, 2005 09:46 PM

It's da shiznit!

Posted by: Elisson on May 9, 2005 09:58 PM

The crappenin' is happenin'!

Posted by: McGehee on May 9, 2005 10:34 PM

Not to mention how good a bidet spray feels on the underside of sack and choad

Posted by: wes jackson on May 10, 2005 12:45 AM

enuf already with the shit stories!!! any wimmen wanna post about menstrual blood-leakage stories????

Posted by: mikeymom on May 10, 2005 03:04 AM

carnival of the periods----20 yrs ago or so-hubby and 2 YOUNG sons went to bahamas-kids and i had-talked about going in the ocean-for months-within 1/2 hr of arriving, i got the mother of all periods--pads and depends-needed--kids whining--but mommy-you said we were going to play in the waves-that night, i bled all over the bed- i was scrubbing sheets and mattress at 3 am-hubby on floor-only had 1 day in ocean-before we had to leave--ok--is that gross enuf for ya????

Posted by: mikeymom on May 10, 2005 03:26 AM

Oh, shit.

Posted by: Brett on May 10, 2005 07:48 AM

.. everyone loves toilet humor... heh.. well, at least I do...

Posted by: Eric on May 10, 2005 08:52 AM

any wimmen wanna post about menstrual blood-leakage stories????

I'll ask around.

Posted by: McGehee on May 10, 2005 10:43 AM

I once fucked a girl, that was on the rag, I did not know it at the time, When I was half way through, I had blood from my asshole to my neck, now that was a shitty deal also, Cat

Posted by: catfish on May 10, 2005 11:10 AM

(George Carlin wrote:)


Shit is probably one of the most powerful words in the English

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a
place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your
life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit
blinded, and shit over.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shinolla.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet
shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the
shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than
shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and
there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself
up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't
want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times
you fall in shit and come out smelling like a rose.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know
anything else.

Posted by: Max on May 10, 2005 11:50 AM

Catfish I can't decide if that makes you a complete nitwit or a very enthusiatic lover? I'm hoping for the latter.

Posted by: livey on May 10, 2005 12:20 PM

Hey, dude, you forgot my entry! Not that I'm going to get my panties in a wad over it or anything.

Now menstrual stories... Let me tell you about the Period from Hell.

I got an IUD inserted and the doctor told me to expect some bleeding for a few days. Fair enough. Except the bleeding didn't stop. "Give it a few weeks, it'll clear up", she said. It didn't. "Maybe you need to let it go a few cycles." And so on. For six months.

Now when you have a normal period, you can use tampons. Not so when the bleeding never stops. If you keep it plugged up constantly, you'll just get infected. Especially since there's all that nice blood to feed on. I had the opportunity to learn that I prefer ultra-thin extra long maxi pads without wings. I should have bought stock in Kotex.

I finally convinced the doctor that it wasn't going away. She did an ultrasound to make sure that the little bugger hadn't perforated anything or caused some kind of internal injury. Nope, it was positioned perfectly. Apparantly, it was just preventing the uterine lining from sticking and instead letting it dribble out continuously all month.

So I made an appointment to have it removed. My favorite part was when the doctor asked me "So when was your last menstrual period?"

Posted by: shell on May 10, 2005 02:26 PM

OH my god,,,,, your are the king of crapdom my sire...... your link to Neanderpundit was the crowning point to the curddling turds saga. I needed a laugh tonight, that had me crying I laughed so hard.... guess just because I am a woman doesn't mean I can't enjoy the same things you guys do...... now if I just had the cajones to be able to tell a few of my secret secretions. Thanks again man.

Posted by: jacquih on May 10, 2005 07:45 PM

Cat, you crack me up! First clue is "she seems awfully well-lubricated..."

Posted by: Desert Cat on May 12, 2005 02:47 AM

Addendum to posted material.....the stuff has now decided to invite the stomach to join in its games, so it's now G A S time from throat to exit !!

Posted by: MommaBear on May 12, 2005 03:45 PM
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