May 09, 2005

Carnival of the crappers #2

This a genuinely shitty post here, but I had some help putting it together.

First, let's start with the semi-famous MommaBear who emailed this boquet of flowers to me.

Try doing chemo-therapy including one vicious little oral medication.....those little suckers taken 14 days in a row produce some SPECTACULAR flatulence and general muck-up of the entire intestinal tract from just below the pyloric sphincter [discharge end of stomach] all the way through to the final discharge end of the colon !! One has enough gaseous volume to play tunes, if one is skilled enough, and the games that any solid food plays traversing the 22 feet or so of tubing is wondrous to feel - NOT !! The final contents delivered, solely at the timing of its own choice, like 0400 hours, can range from totally messy and gooey to so firmly packed it will NEVER disassemble, ever. Usually the verdampte group finds the most inopportune times to display its wondrous capabilities to all and sundry, including being odiferous enough to knock out a squad or two of Special Forces types.

That's my crapper story and I'm sticking to it.......or, rather, stuck with it for 4 more months.

MommaBear

That's a pretty shameless post, but I have some experience at what MommaBear is going through now. You lose all sense of shame very quickly in that situation. Wish her well

Heh. I KNEW that someone would send me a "How I Shit My PANTS" story, and I was correct. It's right here, courtesy of the North Woods Woman. I've never had Burger King food do that to me. Krystals, on the other hand, are different.

What good is a crap-carnival without a song? This meme was floating like an unflushable around blogdom for a while, so I grabbed this one just because I was wearing rubber gloves at the time.

I've never used a bidet. I find the very idea kinda frightening. But Pumpman doesn't:

BIDETS – THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR WIMMEN Guys have more problems with ass-wiping than the ladies do. Why? Well, for one, we seem to have more HAIR back there around the old shit-chute than the girls do. And what happens when we wad up that big ball of TP? We end up smearing the poo around our bungholes and mingling it with all that hair. What a friggin' mess. I never feel clean when I crap in a public restroom. Wetting TP is out of the question because the only available water is in the bowl, and who knows what germs are doing the backstroke in there. Forget about waddling out of the stall with your pants around your ankles to get to the sink to wet down the TP. You just have to do your best, and know that things are still a bit messy “back there”. Problem solved. When we built our new home, I had the plumber install a BIDET in the shithouse. What a friend that ceramic beauty has become! Now, I won’t crap anywhere but HOME-SWEET-HOME. Use the TP for the “first wipe”, then hop off the shitter and over to the bidet for a nice warm water rinse. Clean as a whistle. I can hear my butthole saying “thanks”. Don’t laugh until you try it. From Pumpman

I think the Straight White Guy took an Uzi crap the other day... you know, just kinda spray and pray. He was kicked by a chicken.

Here's another spine tingling story, if you trace it all the way to the bottom of the spine where you have an opening on the end. Read it if you dare. You may dream about red-hot pokers tonight.

I like Mexican food. I like Mexican food a LOT. But I also know that you end up experiencing most of it twice.

Now, the question at hand is, can a burrito be construed as a deadly weapon?

My answer? Hell, yes! Here's my reasoning why:

There were these burritos sold at a place called Adalberto's on Watt Avenue in North Highlands, CA. They could rightfully be called weapons, because they
sure as heck put the fear of God in me. I barely had time to get home to the reading room before the dreaded TEC-9/UZI effect took over. (that would be
"spray and pray" for the uninitiated) Mrs. G-98 and I spent the better part of the evening cleaning, scrubbing, bleaching, and doing laundry. It got EVERYWHERE. So, yeah, burritos can be a bad thing®.

Gewehr98

And last, but not least, a somewhat edited version of a mail that I received from someone I can't remember now. Speak up and I'll give you due credit.

FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the aborts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE PAUL. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Paul makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

I kinda like this carnival. For a while, I thought I was the only person twisted enough to discuss defecation in an intellectual manner.