March 30, 2005
what's your answer?
I have a pretty casual attitude about sex--- hell, I grew up during some tumultuous times--- but I have a serious attitude about commitment. I am a serial flirt and I believe that I can be a charming man when I'm not shit-faced drunk. But I would NEVER "cheat" on someone I was committed to. I just don't do that. I am a man of my word. (most of the time)
I don't give my commitment lightly. I enjoyed a lot of casual sex, one-night-stands and "if it feels good, do it" days in my youth, and I don't regret a bit of it. In fact, I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Those were fun times.
I've never told a woman, "I love you," just to get in her pants. In fact, there are exactly FOUR wimmen in the history of this planet who heard me say those words to them. Those are my grandmother, my mama, my daughter and Jennifer. Nobody else.
I'll always flirt and I'll always have lust in my heart no matter who I'm coupled with at the time. But I would never cheat on someone I loved, and I know what that means in MY mind. I've seen just the opposite happen to me, and it hurts really bad.
What do you think about this matter?
Oh, I can see me needing to do a post to explain this, but here goes...
Sex and love are two (unfortunately) vastly different things.
Fuck whatever knothole, cum dumpster or glory hole ya want. Just do it safely and don't fall in love with someone else.
Just like you can give you heart to Jesus, but yer ass belongs to the Corps., you can do whatcha want with yer dangly appendage, but your heart I want all to myself.
Just fer the love of all that is Holy (and left in one piece)... DON'T LIE ABOUT IT.
Sex and control are NOT the most important issues as far as I'm concerned...
I am compelled to add one thing...
I make it my business to try to keep a good man happy enough so that this is not a problem in the first place.
But, that's just me....
(And, we allll know how goofy I am, right?)
Having a thick skull and been figuratively hit with a two by four enough times, I agree with Rob. If not involved in some sort of *committed relationship* (and yes when it gets to that stage....the words love and you have been used...in my case) I will not do any stepping out on said partner. Having screwed up enough in my past I know this is the only way to go. As there is enough hurt in the world as it is, why add any more to it if at all possible, by cheating on a spouse or partner you have sworn to be faithful to?
Now, if I was single and unattached....then Katie bar the door....I am one dirty, flirty, old man. But being honorable to my better half, as I have told her...."I only have thighs for you, dear".
Cheating? When I was younger, hell yeah.
But in my 5 years of marriage, I never touched another woman. Excepting, of course, the occasional "Happy Ending" at the local Asian massage parlor. But the wife permitted those... just NO oral or vaginal contact. I thought that was a more than fair deal.
Rob, What about wife #1? Do you need to add her to the list?
Hi Rob! I've been lurking here for a few weeks. If I werent' already married, I'd respond to your earlier Male Order Companion Post. I seem to have this thing for southern men that I just can't quite explain.
This is my first comment EVER, though I've been reading blogs since I discovered Salam Pax 2 years ago.
I completely agree. If you commit to someone it should mean that you care so much about them that you wouldn't want to hurt them or even see them get hurt. Of course, things go bad sometimes, but be a man/woman and stand up and say "I'm sick of you and I want to try someone new". I rather be dumped than cheated on any day!
Btw, would you consider it cheating if you discovered your partner were corresponding via e-mail with an old boyfriend or girlfriend? Not that I would do anything like that....
I think cheating is an issue that can only be defined individually as a couple.
I had a husband who cheated on me for 15 years. When he wasn't with another woman he was so addicted to porn that I was just the cleaning lady.
It is definetly an emotional issue that needs to be defined within the relationship.
Pay attention to Stevie, ladies.
Livey, if he cheated on you for 15 years, I would say you might have a slight problem defining cheating within a relationship.
I take both sex and love very seriously. I can't take sex casually, which is way I am probably very depressing to date. If I don't love you, you are not getting any. I am probably a typical woman, but my boyfriend thinks I'm a square. I like nice guys, and I mean that. The players that every other woman goes for are last on my list, and that's because I know that no woman is unique or special enough to change a man. I would forgive my boyfriend if he cheated, but I would not forgive myself if I cheated on him.
I think Rob says it all. Fidelity requires spiritual strength, and cheating causes injuries. I work in geriatrics and it is touching to see 96 yr. old men, unable to get it up with the woman they've cherished for 60 years. They have an endearment, a love language that cannot be sullied by idle fancies and vain imaginings. Their fragrance, their union, takes my breath away.
A deal is a deal. When a gal and I have agreed to a monogamous relationship, that's it. When I'm not in a committed relationship, than I'm not. It's pretty simple to me.
I had a boyfriend once who asked me the question what would you do if I cheated on you?
If you ever dipped your wick in another candle I'd have to trim it.
As long as I'm in a relationship I will NOT stray in thought or deed.... Just the way I'm programed.
BTW didn't the host of Cheaters get stabbed by one of the cheators once?
I never told my first wife that I loved her. I didn't. I married her through a misguided sense of obligation, which was a mistake.
I LIKED her okay, but I never loved her.
Cum dumpster? Goddamn Stevie, you crack me up!
I'm going to have to remember that in reference to my ex sister in law.
I have never cheated on my husband, and as far as I know he has never cheated on me (We have been together for 16 years).
We made a promise to Love and Honor each other. Cheating would break that promise. It doesn't mean we don't appreciate looking at other men and women...and fantasizing a little...but, we would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage.
I have had boyfriends sleep around on me...and even though at the time it was upsetting, it ultimately didn't mean much...cause they were just flings. I hope that I NEVER have to feel the pain of my husband cheating on me...because that would be horrible!
Rightisright, I married him at 17 because I was pregnant and stupid. And I had 3 kids. Being raised Catholic I believed my vows were sacred and a woman stuck by her man no matter what. I was too young and naive to realize just just what was going on at the time. I'm now 42 and have learned more than most people learn in a lifetime.
Hope that clarifies some things for you.
Whatever "the line" is that your spouse or "committed other" doesn't want crossed, it's your responsibility to know where it is, and to make sure he/she/it/they know where yours is.
Now, when you step back, scratch your head and look at the above, it sounds like it's a double standard, but it's not, because if you assume that the essential communication is somebody else's responsibility, you're gonna get your ass chewed off by somebody -- the family dog, the in-laws, or a judge.
I'm going out on a limb, here, but I feel like the other side (the cheaters) need representation. Fidelity doesn't come naturally to some of us. We may be uptight, upright, tax paying Conservatives at first glance but there's something wired differently about us. When I was single (in the sexy seventies and erotic eigthies), I was all over the map (often dating/sleeping/"inlove with" more than one person at a time) until I got married at the ripe old age of 30. After 2 awesome kids and 11 years of being with the wrong man, I took a swan-dive off Faithfulness Cliff and ran off to Mexico for a week with a guy I'd only spoken with on the phone (I'm in sales - he was a client). The next 5 years were (for brevity) messy ---and then I married again, to someone who has also been a cheating spouse. We both know the signs and would go down fighting for the marriage -- we're raising two teenagers so we've got to stick together. So while I don't find my behavior admirable, I now understand it in others -- and frankly, I think Rob's right to be parsimonious with the "I love you's", because sometimes you can't tell us cheaters from the general population.
I would like some lifetime lessons from Livey.
I am only 50 and don't know shit, eight years in prison only taught me how to not get caught.. I like cleaning ladies, my house is a mess.
Teacher?, cleaning lady? Quick fuck? Oh well I will survive. Go mop a floor! and keep your opinions close to your tits! I could care less.
Murry, apparently you do care or wouldn't have posted such a sweet post to me.
But thanks for the good laugh, I'm not a teacher, I hate cleaning, I may fuck on the first date and do it just for the sheer pleasure of it, but I assure you, its never quick.
Now if you wanna get into a pissing match, obviously you would win, because a pussy can't aim near as well as a prick. I bow to you.