Gut Rumbles
 

March 29, 2005

i am not right in the head

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you probably already know that fact. I am NOT right in the head anymore.

I believe that I once was, because I could not have accomplished the things I did if I were absolutely crazy. But I wonder about myself a lot today.

I read this post and compared some of my own notes. You name the bi-polar symptoms and I've got 'em. I think I've always been a manic-depressive (trust me---I've been to enough 'shrinks to know the lingo now) but I've gotten a lot worse lately.

I can't seem to find a middle ground anymore. I am either really enthuiastic and thrilled about something, or I am in the depths of total depression. My moods swing like the windshield wipers on a car in a heavy rain. Sometimes I can't sleep at all, and other times, I sleep 16 hours a day. I either have no appetite, or I want to eat everything in the house.

I go into that 1000-yard stare for no reason. My body may be sitting on the couch or behind the wheel of my truck, but my mind is far, far away. All sorts of things go running through my head and I have no idea where that crap comes from. I suffer indescribable nightmares. I drink too much, I smoke too much and I don't exercise enough.

More than once lately, I've thought that I might be dying. And the REALLY scary part is that I didn't care. In fact, if death came for me right now, I believe that I would embrace her like a warm mistress. Sometimes I simply long to curl up, go to sleep and never wake up again. It ain't easy being me today.

I can't see my son anymore, but Jennifer farms him out every weekend while she goes off on a fuckathon with whatever new lover she's picked to feast on. I pay through the ass for being the ex-husband of a pure bloodless cunt. That still hurts like hell. I sometimes cannot muster the energy to do the simplest of things. I've been staring at everything I need to do my income taxes for more than a month now, but I just keep putting it off. I wait until my bills pile up before I pay them. I don't even like to put gas in my truck anymore. That means actually DOING something.

That's not the way I once was. I've gone from a go-getter to a give-a-fuck in a disturbingly short period of time.

I break out with rashes on my face and I don't know why. I actually bought make-up to cover that shit up. My left foot never healed correctly from when I broke it and the ankle flops around when I walk. Now my right foot is swollen to the size of a fat grapefruit and I look like a decrepit old fart when I try to hobble around. I can barely fit my feet into a pair of sandals. Every time I turn around, something else is going wrong with me.

I cannot stand up and play guitar anymore. My legs get wobbly after about two songs and I need to sit down. I once could not only STAND, but PRANCE the stage for six hours at a time. Those days are ancient history.

I'm not right in the head, but I ain't right in the body, either. If I were me, I'd be worried about myself.

Comments

sounds to me more like post traumatic stress disorder than bipolar. I too, was misdiagnosed. Been in your state for many years am now recovering. Email me if you wanna talk about it with someone who completely understands. I could say all kinds of encouraging words to you but I know that wouldn't help right now. You don't know me, but I've been there and many strangers helped me through it. Would be willing to help if you want it. Take care, its not easy but I know you can do it.

Posted by: livey on March 29, 2005 08:43 PM

I (maybe) know how you feel Rob. I have always had a lot of those symptoms (except for the BC part thankfully) and so has my Dad, but in a far more pronounced way than me. About 20 years ago he started taking Lithium and it did wonders for him...he's been off of it for a long time now and I haven't sensed those sorts of swings in him since. He's a stable as a brick shithouse now and he's 70.

I dunno bout your particular sitiation (though I'm pulling for you to be able to contend with it) but it might be worth looking at.

Posted by: marcl on March 29, 2005 08:50 PM

First of all, get off your ass and get some exercise. Any competent mental health practitioner will tell you that right off the bat.

Second of all, pay some of that money you have to take out a contract on the ex. Only kidding. No, seriously, only kidding.

Posted by: rightisright on March 29, 2005 09:03 PM

I think you miss your mom.

Posted by: robert on March 29, 2005 09:13 PM

Robert may have something. Ain't nobody right in his head for the first few weeks/months after losing someone he's loved all his life.

Posted by: McGehee on March 29, 2005 09:25 PM

Bah. I know what your problem is. It's retirement-itis. You could possibly be bi-polar, but I'd bet that the symptoms weren't nearly as pronounced when you were working full-time. It's hard to get out of a slump once you're in it if you have nothing to keep you going. That ex-wench of yours doesn't let you see your son...you were forced into early retirement...no wonder you're 'not right in the head'. It helps to have something...ANYTHING...to focus on. Get a girl, find a hobby or go back out to work...it won't cure you, but it will surely help.

Posted by: Chablis on March 29, 2005 09:27 PM

You could need a good piece of ass? Cat.

Posted by: catfish on March 29, 2005 09:29 PM

I'm a good piece of ass! lol

Posted by: livey on March 29, 2005 09:44 PM

I want to write "all of the above", but I'm loathe to give advice. My husband, a therapist, would listen in an emotionally available way and say, "Well. I hope you work it out." I keep thinking of those destitute Indians on Hill 57 outside of Great Falls, boozin the bars, trash lining their alleyways, lying dead drunk in the ditches along the highways in the middle of winter. Dead from hypothermia. They seemed to have difficulty finding purpose to their lives, they just could not handle their grief, the rage at their losses. When my front porch gets full of newspapers and bottles, and the grass gets high, I imagine it is Hill 57, the most tragic place in the world to be.

Posted by: Bonita on March 29, 2005 10:07 PM

The first step is admitting it. ; )

Key diagnosis, loneliness induced depression...also bored and understimulated. (You'd likely be completely insane if not for the blog.)

Need to consume yourself with a task to replace the old 9 to 5. Try to get published, that should do it.

And call Livey.

(Otherwise, you could turn into one of those moody, hyperventilatin' wimmin that you so admire...)

Posted by: Key on March 29, 2005 10:28 PM

(My first post here)

That sounds an awful lot like me too. I'm in the depression stage right now, that I'm fighting to keep my head above water, because I have people who love and depend on me.

On the other hand, I'm tired of being jerked around by others who play me like a new toy, and then discard and forget about me. Like I don't have any feelings. After all, it's all about THEM, don't you know?

I can't put it into words the way you have. Thank you. I do understand what you're going through. Hang in there, Rob.

Posted by: mrs heather on March 29, 2005 10:34 PM

Dude.....go to a doctor. If you don't like that doctor, go to another one. I know it's a pain, but they can help you feel much better.

And you're really not that old, you know!

Posted by: Dogsdontpurr on March 29, 2005 10:44 PM

Hang in there Rob! Most of it is probably due to stress, post-traumatic or otherwise!

Take it from a certified Nutso.....It's not all that bad to be a little crazy...but, take care of yourself physically too! All the ranting and rumbling you do here is probably good therapy...but, don't neglect yourself otherwise!

Posted by: Wendi on March 29, 2005 11:12 PM

(((((((Rob))))))))))
every one beat me to the good advice.

Posted by: Maeve on March 29, 2005 11:57 PM

Just damn! (Dax Whomever )

Can't be a zealot, piss-ant, or troll now. Just one who has been there, done that.

I'll offer you my way past what I endured and you are now enduring . . .

1. Yesterday ain't no mo . . . tomorrow ain't here yet. Today is IT. Live for it (today) alone.

2. Forget the ex. She has forgotten ALL about you but the location of your wallet. Tell her to kiss that spot (left cheek or right), and move past her. Do not let her dictate your emotional state as you have been doing. Be free of her. Make that decision emphatically, and then live each day free of her.

3. Be prepared for the long haul to win your son back. It took me 8 years before my son was able to see through his mother's hatred to see my love for him. I wish he would still love his mother, but he has no feeling for her anymore, after realizing she tried to kill his love for me. I told her that would happen before the divorce occurred, but what did I know? Anyway . . . even though you are a leftist statist whose belief in gun control is your sole redeemable quality (LMAO), Rob, you will win Quint over in the end. Just be as tenacious on his behalf as you are in everything else, ok?

4. Leave the hard stuff alone. Measure your consumption in beerskies only--it is manageable. Alcohol, as you well know, is like shit to flies for one prone to depression. Depression doesn not equate to bi-polar, but it will damn sure lead there if you let it.

5. Find a job outside of blogging and residing in the Crackerbox. Volunteer to do something even if not actually earn money, but spend time every day removing your life's focus from you, and your problems. Ego is good, but like all other things in life except, well, you know . . . too much of a good thing can be hurtful . . . except for, well, you know.

6. It seems other limbs, in sympathetic fashion, have taken over the responsibility for swelling up in spontaneous fashion. Reduction of fluid intake, combined with fluid release, should quickly correct said imbalances. :-)

7. Rashes are due to frenetic cellular action when the natural processes of the body are frustrated. Imitating the procreative process cures rashes, and headaches as well, including most migraines. Become a self-employed researcher and developer of such information, and 1 - 6 above will find simple solutions.

8. Eat. Even if you don't feel like it. Eat. It will screw with your brain in its present situation, and straighten out chemical imbalances. Then you will start agreeing with me, too. Gee--it' a miracle!!

9. Keep playing your music. Music soothes the savage best within, gives you callouses on the end of your fingers that let you worry about something else rather than all the usual suspects, and, if you sing to a woman . . . well . . .

Well . . . they like that, ya know . . .

10. Bitch at JB for getting whatever you said wrong, even if he got it right. He is an old fart like you, and he enjoys a good giggle when exchanging all manner of bullshit with another bullshitter.

11. Doctors make money finding things wrong with you. Limit their income, and stay away from the quackers, and you will immediately improve your health.

12. Move to Costa Rica, and make that new life for yourself. The old life ain't doing shit for ya, Bubba. So go, and pat Latin American booty and find a Babe who wants a man who is comfotable in his own skin . . . a woman wants to be comfortable on your skin, too! knowhatImean?

13. Get a Dawg. Post me for a recommended breed. There are two I recommend for a dysfunctional male manic-depresive bi-polar alcoholic over 50. ROTFLMAO

14. Do 1 - 13 above, and you will be comfortable in your own skin.

Ever your Blog-Son and Nemesis . . .

Posted by: jb on March 30, 2005 01:08 AM

Slow down on the cigarettes late in the evening...it's the nicotine that's doing those bad nightmares...I know!.

Nothing like that good time with the bourbon to set your foot screaming GOUT, GOUT, GOUT.

As usual you have choices...I suggest a little moderation.

Posted by: Maggie on March 30, 2005 07:44 AM

bipolar disorder is not "moods swing(ing) like the windshield wipers on a car in a heavy rain," at least, not in the same day. The periods of mania and depression are extended and each period of weeks / months tends to be the same--i.e., either you're charging $5000 on your credit card on stuff you don't need and talking a mile a minute or you can't get out of bed, but not both at the same time.

what you're talking about sounds to me like unipolar depression, stress, and anxiety, and is probably situational. let's not forget that in addition to your continued problems with your ex, you just lost your mother. there may be other physical problems at work here also (the rash, slow to heal, etc.)

Posted by: beth on March 30, 2005 09:32 AM

sorry, forgot to note that the post above was from not-troll beth.

Posted by: not-troll beth on March 30, 2005 09:41 AM
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