Gut Rumbles
 

February 26, 2005

mars and venus

At first, I was just going to link this post, but it's too good not to steal the whole thing.

I'm going to be a bit more honest than most of the people mailing their responses to the caustic one: I don't have a fucking clue. If I had any idea what the hell made women tick I'd damn well write my own book instead of writing here for free, and get rich as hell.

I'll tell you who you should talk to if you want to find out though. It's not self-help or relationship "experts", it's not counselors, or clergy, or your friend Conchita who's had six kids by four daddies.

Kidnap and torture an advertising executive (a designer, not a sales guy) until they give up the information you need.

Think about it: Advertising companies have to sell shit to people and actually show a profit in the really real word. I guarantee they know a hell of a lot more about human psychology than the so called "experts" that shill their crackpot theories on Oprah.

For example: If men menstruated, do you think in a million years that the masculine versions of those products would have names like "Always", "Stayfree", "Freedom", etc.? Hell no. We'd have stuff on the market like "Hemo-Sorb XT™, now with Turbo Wicking Action™!" and "Vampire Ultra-Pads™, with exclusive Scroto-Cup™ comfort cushioning!".

You wouldn't see any of these pretty commercials with the soothing music and pastel colors. Hell no. I envision a commercial with two ragged men running through a snowy forest while being tracked by hungry wolves. They split up, man "A" is wearing "Crimson Tide Plasma Pads™, with new Crotchseal™ odor prevention technology!", man "B" is wearing the leading competitor's brand. The wolves reach the place the men parted ways. They sniff the air. Then with savage howls they leap after man "B". The camera zooms in on man "A" smiling while in the background you can hear man "B" screaming and being torn to shreds.

Like I said, I don't know shit about what makes women tick. The advertising industry does.

Go ask the experts.

Posted by Graumagus at February 25, 2005 08:25 PM | TrackBack

Yeah, and tampons for men would come with an applicator that resembled a handgun.

Comments

I'm not sure they'd go that far, but I don't think the ads whould show how well the damn things absorb blue liquid.

Posted by: triticale on February 27, 2005 08:16 PM

Oh, my. I laughed until I almost fell out the chair choking. That is *so* right!

Posted by: wheels on February 27, 2005 09:02 PM
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