Gut Rumbles

February 24, 2005

my race

I once tried to do some geneology research on my family and discovered that it was a hopeless quest. My family tree resembles a kudzu vine. My genes are more tangled than a plate of angel hair pasta fresh from the collander.

I kinda like this idea. I know I have Scots-Irish blood, some Cherokee or skulking Shawnee in me, a piece of Dutch and possibly even some French heritage lurking in my DNA. I am a goddam mutt. Since the Harlan County Courthouse burned down in 1920, the birth records of my family went up in smoke and I reached a dead-end in my research.

Therefore, I declare myself to be black. Yes, I am a genuine African-American, even though I don't resemble one. I'll bet that I'm more black than Ward Churchill is Native American, so my claim should count. I want all the benefits of Affirmative Action, I want a reparations check for slavery and I want to count as a black jelly bean when government goes through another of its "diversity" spasms.

Da man been keepin' me down too long. I'm going to change my name to Tyrone Al-Islam and wear my pants halfway below my asscrack with my boxer shorts pulled up under my armpits. I'm going to listen to rap music and get down wid my homeys by drinking malt liquor and cheap wine. I'm gonna start calling wimmen "hoes" and learn how to say "Whasssup?" to my brothers.

Today, I found my true self. I am a black man.


Well, you're at least as black as Bill Clinton is. Maybe it will stick.

Posted by: Amy on February 24, 2005 04:45 PM

Rob, This new discovery has got big time potential. I suggest the first avenue your pursue is that racist divorce court judge who discriminated against you just because Jennifer is WHITE!

Posted by: Jim Long on February 24, 2005 04:46 PM

Do anything you want, but keep your damned pants pulled up. I don't want to see your asscrack. I don't want to THINK of seeing your asscrack. You could change the sign on the Crackerbox to "Tyrone Shoelaces"

Good idea, though. I think I'm gonna go for asian, myself. Who wouldn't believe a 6'2" german is actually japanese?

Posted by: og on February 24, 2005 05:03 PM

Well, it sure took you long enough to find that out. Just think where you'd be if you had known this way back when. You must be like Steve Martin - born a poor black child. But you overcame that. Good for you... I think.

Posted by: Dash on February 24, 2005 06:10 PM

As much as you love music, I give you 3 seconds of listening to (c)rap music before you become white again. Kim du Toit (an ex-African) can truly claim to be African American.

Posted by: AndyJ on February 24, 2005 06:13 PM

Acidman, that would explain your endowment:

Black Irish perhaps?

ah salaam aleichem my brother!

Posted by: JimA on February 24, 2005 08:27 PM

I have been maintaining all along that no one can prove in any way that I'm not black, or do not have some black blood in me.

And if Black is a color, I got them all being white. If Black is not a color, then I am still "of color" or "colored", and Blacks are not. Once the reparations start rolling in, there sure ain't no SS crisis fo me.

Of course, we could all have some black children just to be sure. Even without trying,one of mine looks like a recent Miss America, who is "black". No shit! I thought for a minute she was on tv with a new "doo".

Posted by: Ga-ne-sha on February 24, 2005 09:09 PM

There are so many ethnic terms out there: African-American, Irish-American, Native-American, Italian-American, Polynesian-American, Polish-American, Spanish-American, Russian-American, yada yada yada. When does the great melting pot take hold? I personally have French-American, Native-American, Norwegian, and a few other blood genres in me. But do you know how I identify myself? I am an American, sir! Thank you for asking.

Posted by: Mashby on February 24, 2005 09:56 PM

I demand you issue a spew alert for this one!
There's beer and snot all over my keyboard!

bite me

Posted by: James Hooker on February 24, 2005 10:07 PM

Hmmm does that mean all Smiths are black? If so I want my share and I want it now and get the hell out of my way I am going to the Caddy dealer and the welfare office as soon as I quit this job. I knew these people were prejudice against me and now I have proof.

Posted by: James Old Guy on February 25, 2005 11:04 AM
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