Gut Rumbles

February 09, 2005

sick bastard

This is a disgusting post. I liked it a lot.

But I totally disagree with any standard "pick-up" lines. The only airheads that shit works on is wimmen you're better off not fucking anyway, so create your OWN way into a woman's panties heart. Just TALK to her. Exude charm like one of those South American psychadelic toads and ply her with alcohol. Baffle her defenses, make her drop her shields and hail for permission to board. Be polite and diplomatic. Don't act like the horny swine you really are. Save that for later.

If she energizes that transporter beam, you're home free. A little music, a glass of wine and clean sheets on the bed. Come to Papa.

Sweet Bejus! Do people REALLY say stupid things like "I wanna FUCK!" when they want to get laid? That crap only works on a WIFE who'll give it up just because wants to make you pass out and go to sleep so you don't bother her anymore. Don't do that shit in a singles bar.

Try "Hello. My name is Rob. Could I buy you a drink?"

And if she says, "yes," just go on from there.


Um, you are aware that the post linked to National Lampoon and was a joke, right?

Just checking...

Posted by: Tom on February 9, 2005 05:22 PM

So what? My point doesn't count?

Posted by: Acidman on February 9, 2005 05:31 PM

But my name's not Rob...

Posted by: Jay G on February 9, 2005 09:25 PM

Jay G -
As if thet's going to be the last lie you tell her anyways...

Posted by: brian on February 9, 2005 10:00 PM

I worked as a bouncer at a bar when I was in college.

There was a hottie that used to come in every few weeks. I tried all my suave bouncer moves on her to no avail. This proceeded on for about 3 months.

One night when I wasn't working, I approached her near closing time. "Jenna, I have tried every which way but loose to get you to go out with me. So screw it all. How about you come back to my place and we just fuck tonight?"

She did and we did. I never saw her again after that night. Damnation, I still think of that hot ass of hers 15 years later.

Posted by: rightisright on February 9, 2005 10:38 PM

But Acidman, where do you hide the lobster until you are ready for it?

Posted by: Michele on February 10, 2005 06:43 AM

Until today, I'd never heard the phrase: "exude charm like one of those South American psychadelic toads".


Posted by: zonker on February 10, 2005 08:31 AM

Amen. I have run across few women that I couldn't charm into just about anything I wanted. Charm, class and acting like a gentleman will get you a lot farther than anything else. Of course it takes a little longer than the direct approach. The direct approach is kind of like pro bass fishing - a whole lot of casting for the occasional catch. Of course it works better when the fish are really hungry, like at closing time. It also helps in either case if you've got the right bait.

If you're that damn impatient at the start of the evening, go spank the monkey first and calm down. Then you can focus.

A few years ago on a business trip I once charmed a fairly high class hooker trying to work the hotel bar, happy hour, downtown businessman set into just chatting for 4 hours. We had a nice evening together once we understood each other. I told her that I was newly married and wasn't interested in cheating on my wife, plus, I'm an alcoholic and I'm here this evening for one thing and it wasn't chasing women. About an hour into it, she asked if I would pretend that we were together to fend off the guys that were constantly hitting on her while we were talking and drinking. I can't imagine what that evening cost her in lost profits but by the end of the evening she wanted to give it to me for free. I refused her. I still think about that ass, she was a stunner.

I'm sure none of you buy that story but it's true.

Posted by: Drugstore Cowboy on February 10, 2005 09:12 AM

Oh, I didn't mean that I disagreed with you. Somehow it just seemed to me that you were treating the post as a serious one. But no, it doesn't diminish what you wrote.

Posted by: Tom on February 10, 2005 04:53 PM

I've used a fair amount of suavity in my mis-spent life but the most 'successful' guy I ever knew was the exact opposite. Mark H. used only one line, always aimed at the best looker in any given bar.

"Do ya wanna fuck?"

About 60% said "NO".
About 10% slapped without talking.
About 30% rode him hard and came back for more!

Mark looked like the missing link and didn't have manners that were even that developed. I don't know how he got away with it, I know I wouldn't have so I never tried.

Some women!

Posted by: Dennis on February 10, 2005 07:34 PM
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