February 02, 2005
another cabinet meeting
ME: "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen."
sec def "What are all of these wimmen doing here?"
ME: That's none of your business, Dax. It was an executive decision, so shut your pie-hole."
White house advisor "I propose a motion!"
attorney general: "I second it!"
ME: "How can you second a motion you haven't even HEARD yet?" (Winks winks and nods nods pass between the two wimmen.)
president in charge of vice: Anybody want a hit off this? I want to invade somewhere. Honey, can we invade somebody? How about Jamaica? Can we listen to some reggae music?"
ME: "ERIC! I need a Bloody Mary and today's newspaper!" Both arrive quickly. "Did you people see this today?" I asked, as I waved the paper at them.
WHA: "I have a motion to make."
AG: "I second that motion!"
ME: FUCK YOUR MOTIONS!!! DID YOU SEE THIS SHIT IN THE PAPER TODAY?!!!
WHA: "Yes, Mr. President, Bejus on a bicycle and sexy God come down among men. The Prime Minister of Canada is shooting you the bird and sticking his tongue out at you. That's why I wanted to propose a motion that we destroy his ass."
AG: "I second that motion!"
ME: "Somebody wake the secretary of state up. He's been face-down on the table drooling on his tie long enough." (SECDEF grabs the back of SECSTATE'S neck and pounds him forehead first into the table a few times. SECSTATE seems fine after that.)
SECSTATE: "I say we don't pay for the hookers and we don't pick up the bar tab. They were kising MY ass, not the other way around. Let THEM pay for it." (That's right. I needed to debrief him on the Brazilian Outreach Program.)
ME: "Forget about that. We've been insulted by Canada."
SECDEF: "Let's bomb the piss out of them."
WHA: "Sir, about my motion?"
AG: "The one I seconded?"
ME: "Okay! What the fuck about it? 'Destroy his ass?' That's just brilliant. How, exactly are we suppposed to DO that?"
WHA, "Well, we start this way..."
When she was finished, I realized that it wasn't a bad plan. It might work. Hell, if it DIDN'T work it'd still scare the shit out of the Canuks. "Make it so," I said.
And that's how we ended up conquering Canada.
You need someone to head up the dept of health and human services,,,how else are we going to get all those tax dollars spent (other than your bar bills and whores, that is)
...out of the mouths of babes....
.. apropos of absolutely nothing, ole Bob's comment reminded me of a tale.. so, in my capacity as Secretary of Assorted Wherewithall, here you go...
... I once heard a sailor remark to Cpl Holland... "Marines are nothing but a bunch of sea-going bellhops"...
.. to wit, Cpl Holland replied without missing a beat.. "listen, squidly.. the only Belle I ever hopped was your sister"....
Sec of AW
I am moving to Ireland on March 1. I am sending you 1 million euro immediately in return for your appointing me ambassador to the republic. Irishmen are crazy, have a wicked sense of humor, can fight like banshees and I believe I am qualified to bring them to heel. They still hate the British and since the Brits have the only set of swinging clappers in that part of the world, I think I can at least bring County Tipperary into the fold and with their help, we can occupy Dublin in 2 weeks or less. If you donít accept the money, Iíll send it to the Kos and throw my support his way. You have 3 hours to give me an answer. By the way, on your first state visit to the republic, I can guarantee that I can get even you laidÖI know just the guy!
On the domestic front, I make a motion that we, at least, appear to conciliate with the Dems and have Teddy Kennedy appointed personal driver to that Boxer woman, Maxine Waters, and, of course, Hillary...
I suppose we have to wait til tomorrow for full disclosure... ; )
(Hey, what's with the 2am meetings?)
I still think we should invade Jamaica. Oh, and Peru, while we're at it.
Just send me some more of whatever I was fucked up on. It obviously wasn't Queenie's Peruvian Marching Powder.
I'm still waiting on my appointment. Secretary of Leaking Embarrassing Shit (etc.) would be the perfect job for me in an Acidman administration, because there'd be nothing for me to do.
Dear Sec. of AW
Don't think I can't see through your precious diplomatic doublespeak. Canada's cold right? So who do think all huddle together in bed on those winter nights? Exactly right, we invented incest so that observation on the Belles, well Mr Secratary, that row has been plowed. Now don't you feel stupid?