January 27, 2005
mr. smith goes to washington
I could never be elected to public office because my track record is too easy to follow. I have not ALWAYS walked the straight and narrow path, and I believe that a couple of files exist somewhere in a formal government office, in a cabinet waaay in the back, with a set of fingerprints and a very nice black-and-white photo included in the file.
Man, as soon as I announced my candidacy, that shit would be on "The Smoking Gun" and I'd have Morely "The Living Dead" Sheafer sticking a microphone in my face for an interview on 60 Minutes. Can you just imagine how I would handle THAT???
"Ladies and gentlemen... see this file??? Well, every bit of it is true and I was guilty as shit when I went to jail. I FUCKED UP!!! The cops did their job, and I'm not gonna say that they were NICE to me, but nobody brutalized my ass. I've got no complaints in that department. I got what was coming to me.
I didn't like sitting in jail, but being the perceptive person I am, I received the distinct impression that I wasn't SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT there, and I didn't. I haven't been back since, either. I think the law taught me a vaulable lesson.
But... of course,.... as for these accusations ... I did EVERY BIT OF IT!!! Now, FUCK YOU, kiss my Cracker ass and get outta my yard!""
You can see how far my campaign would go. Nowhere. Or MAYBE... just MAYBE... I could start a grass-roots movement, REPROBATES FOR ROB!!! and storm the country. Our battle cry would be, "Kiss My Ass and Get Outta My Yard!"
We would campaign at gun shows and exploit loopholes. We would launch "Libertarian Research Commissions" to Costa Rica to explore... you just come along and I'LL show you what to explore. We would... make a mockery of the entire election process, but at least we would be honest about it. That's more than the other two parties can say.
I'm gonna plan my strategy at Jekyll Island. The ground for recruits may be rich there.
you'd have my vote... esp after you told them to kiss your cracker ass...
... I humbly request that you consider me for either SecDef, or Ambassador to Scotland in your regime administration... oops, dammit.... I almost forgot.. uh... Sir...
That reminds me of the line that Edwin Edwards used to use: "I'll be all right as long as they don't catch me in bed with a live boy or a dead girl".
Hell, even the dead girl part didn't stop Ted Kennedy now did it?
Oh please, I want to be in your cabinet!! I aint never been in jail, but I did burn my bra once, does that count?
Hell, I don't want to be in your administration, Rob, I just want to be an organizer on your campaign bus!
We roll up to a campaign stop....AND THE LIBERALS ARE WAITING FOR US....I smile sweetly at them, and as the cameras roll tape, I open the lower compartment and start passing out AK-47s to the staffers getting off the bus.
I straighten my tie, and turn around to face the cameras, but suddenly THERE ARE NO ANCHORS LEFT TO INTERVIEW US....AND THE DEMONSTRATORS HAVE ALSO BEAT FEET.
A-Ks? No way! We Crackers prefer guns that you can't see until the very last minute, and besides, we would be riding the Peace Train. Love to all, brother.
Fuck. You think I actually WANT to be POTUS? No, I don't. I just wanna make a lot of money and have a good time.
Hmmm...guess I won't be running for anything anytime soon. I was once arrested for "Intent to Commit a Felony", which boiled down to "Attempted Murder". As I told my cousin the Judge, it was a bogus complaint, because if I had been there, they could drop the "Attempted" part. Many shots fired, no blood drawn...novices *spit*.
Plaintiff failed to show in court...another true story from my archives.
Aside to MIKELX: Ain't nothin' wrong with shooting Americans...some need to be shot. The best defense in this neck of the woods has always been "Well, the SOB needed killing'". The jury usually agreed. Masturbate yourself to death while you read of things real men have done, you obviously pussified little liberal weenie.
I post my real e-mail address...e-mail, you'll get an answer to one of your many trash addresses, plus a backtrace from hell. Never forget that IP addresses are included in e-mail headers...jerk.
Yeah GUNS!!! Let's get out there and kill us some Americans.
MIKELX, when it's time for target practice, never volunteer to be the target.
I think Ann Coulter said she'd love to be nominated for some post that required a Senate hearing just so she could tell Ted Kennedy "Well, Senator, let's drive off that bridge when we get to it".
I'd do it myself.
You might get more votes than you think. People might find your candor refreshing, especially in the age of Vice President Dick "Eat Shit" Cheney.
Wat'd you do, beat the crap outta someone? Solicitation? (err... I mean... soliciting solicitation?)?
Blow someone's head off?
Okay, that last one might be a problem. Unless he really had it coming to him.
Heh. You should run for VP. Your slogan could be "He puts the 'Vice' in Vice President". :)