Gut Rumbles
 

January 01, 2005

resolutions

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions. The only one I really WANTED to make was "I'll avoid any shit-storms this year," and I know how ridiculous that idea is. No, wait... I have one-- I resolve to see 2006 and not make any resolutions THEN, either. Okay, I'm done.

Now, these are some pretty good resolutions. I'm going to save that post and turn it into a questionaire. Then, I'm going to mail it to the resolver next year and ask her how many she stuck with. Then, I'm going to post the results and humiliate her unless she agrees to clean my house. BWHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

I like this one:

4) I resolve to be nicer to Mr. MacFarland in 2005. He takes some egregious shit from me; I should cut him some slack. I will cut him some slack. Or at least give it up more often - I feel certain that either would be fine with him.

I hate to admit it, but she has men figgered out. And I don't mean figured out. She's got us figgered. If you don't know the difference, sombody figgered you out a long time ago. Seen your balls lately? I rest my case.

We men are in deep shit when wimmen figger out that we are almost bovine in our approach to life. Oh, we'll work hard, bring home the bacon, take care of the family and run nekkid into the yard brandishing a shotgun at midnight if we think it's the manly thing to do. But if you wave some pussy our way, we are putty in your hands.

We like pussy better than a cow likes a salt-lick, but the cow shows more dignity approaching block of salt on a stick then men do when they see pussy. It's a genetic weakness. We can't help ourselves. Once wimmen figger that fact out, we are destined for the slaughterhouse. And we'll moo contentedly all the way.

But the fact is... I don't know whether to pity or ENVY Mr. McFarland. The egregious shit doesn't stop, but the pussy doesn't, either. I could live with that. Okay, I admit it. I envy the lucky bastard. Except for one thing.

Resolutions are made to be broken.

Comments

I don't know. I love Queenie. I wish she'd give me my leg back, and quit calling me " Tiny Dancer".

Posted by: Mr. MacFarland on January 1, 2005 08:30 PM

" I resolve to see 2006 and not make any resolutions THEN, either."

Now that's a resolution you can keep! I made one about 25 years ago to never make another New Years resolution. It's the only New Years resolution I ever succeeded in keeping.

Posted by: Kathy K on January 1, 2005 08:32 PM

Mister MacFarland is just trying to act like everything you said in paragraphs four, five, and six ain't true. Hell - if I had myself up on his leg like he claims, he'd have a heart attack and a spontaneous, erm, eruption. Sheeeeit, fool. But, the "Tiny Dancer" thing is part of the aforementioned "egregious shit". I said I'd do better, dammit!

As for YOU, Rob - you do that, with the resolutions. I think the only one that'll be the least whit of trouble is #1. All the rest I'll pass with flying colors. Hey, how 'bout a gentlemanly wager? I get all ten and YOU come clean MY house?

I'll fucking drink to that...

Posted by: Queenie on January 1, 2005 09:23 PM

Queenie, I'll take that bet, but trust me. You don't want ME cleaning your house.

Posted by: Acidman on January 1, 2005 09:44 PM

Shows what YOU know Acidhead... You forgot to factor spoiled men into the equation.

There is no putty at my house, nor extra credit given for what is assumed to be core curriculum.

Nice thought, though.

Posted by: Key on January 2, 2005 02:04 PM
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