Gut Rumbles
 

December 26, 2004

greatest hits

Gut Rumbles will celebrate its third blogiversary in two days, December 28--- the same day Quinton will be eleven years old. Yep, I started this blog on my son's birthday. I'll forever remember that day, too--- for a LOT of different reasons.

I'm still kinda burnt-out from the commode-hugging Christmas I just experienced, so I didn't feel much like writing today. But I DID fool around on the computer for a while, and I managed to discover my "vanished" archives, all the way back to the beginning. I'll be reposting some of that old stuff over the next few days, just for the hell of it.

Here is one from February, 2002:

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, chapter MMCVIXXIII:

According to a report composted, I mean compiled, by the National Cancer Institute and the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, "PRELIMINARY research shows that 15,000 cancer deaths in the United States MIGHT have been caused by radioactive fallout from Cold War weapons testing." Of course, the 15,000 dead bodies might not really be 15,000 because "estimates COULD have a CONSIDERABLE margin of error due to UNCERTAINTIES in the research." Those weasel words didn't stop every anti-nuke activist group in the country from crawling out of their fallout shelters to proclaim the report as gospel truth and blame the government for covering up these horrible findings.

I'll admit that the finding are pretty horrible. They were extrapolated from a computer model and correlated through a formula and then masturbated, masticated and manipulated until they proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt that "a single radionuclide, which is a by-product of above ground testing, was tied to between 11,000 and 212,000 cases of thyroid cancer." Tied by a very thin string of snot, evidently, because that number stretches a long way.

But it must be true because the computer models show that radiation from bomb tests spread so far and wide that "no US resident born after 1951 escaped some exposure." I was born in 1952. THAT EXPLAINS IT! THAT"S why I developed prostate cancer when I was 49. Heredity and an unlucky draw from the deck of genes my parents offered me had nothing to do with it. Radiation from atomic bombs gave me cancer. I AM A VICTIM! I WANT MONEY!

That's why I skimmed over the activist's bombast about dead children and the massacre of more Americans and rampant cancer epidemics if nuclear weapons testing ever resumes. "Compensation may be an issue down the line," was all I wanted to hear. And I want to be first in that line with both hands outstretched. The government exploded nuclear bombs in Nevada while I was growing up in Georgia and I got cancer. If that's not an obvious cause-and-effect, I don't know what is. Just read the report. Science is on my side.

I want the government to PAY for what it did to me. I want the government to pay me A LOT. I want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams and fill my bathtub full of $100 bills and lay naked in it. I want a check with at least SIX ZEROES following a THREE DIGIT NUMBER. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!

Of course, the most important role my check will play is to save the world from from nuclear weapons. That's what I really care about.

Comments

Hey Rob;

Glad you're continuing to feel better!

I pulled those archives out when I was waving my spamzooka around in there, and it looks like it should be possibel to re-import them back into this version of GR so your archives here will be complete again.

Lemme know if you'd like that, and I'll look into how to best go about it. (Those old posts are seriously spammed too.)

Paul

Posted by: Light & Dark on December 26, 2004 07:10 PM

Especially for you, because you will undoubtedly understand today's entry.

http://www.misfitting.com/

Posted by: Surfie on December 26, 2004 10:08 PM

Happy Blogiversary and Happy Birthday to your son. I'm glad you're feeling better.

Posted by: Dash on December 26, 2004 10:11 PM

Not my blog, though. It's Loretta's.

Posted by: Surfie on December 26, 2004 10:13 PM

LIke the poet once wrote,

For what else does life supply,
But a few good fucks and then you die?

Posted by: John Cunningham on December 27, 2004 01:27 AM
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