Gut Rumbles
 

December 12, 2004

the scenic route

My friend Catfish and I rode up to Athens together. He drove and I navigated. I took us via the backroads, where we didn't have to deal with traffic or those pesky policemen with radar guns who infest the main highways. It's a pretty ride the way I like to go and we made the trip in about four hours.

Catfish bitched all weekend about my choice of routes. "We drove all the way around our assholes to get to our elbows," was his favorite saying. "When we go back, we're taking MY way," he promised. Today, we did.

I have to admit one thing about Cat's choice of roads: he set the all-time speed record for a trip from Athens to Savannah. NEVER BEFORE has that trip taken SEVEN FUCKING HOURS!!!

I knew something was wrong when Cat took a left off highway 78 just outside Washington, Georgia. "Where're you goin,' man?" I asked. "This is 77 NORTH. We don't want to be going north. Savannah is SOUTH."

"We take a right in Elberton, the Granite Capitol of the World" he replied. "I know these roads like the back of my hand. I once sold insurance up here. I've been all over this place. I know exactly where we are."

I shut up and let him drive. And drive. And drive.

The only right turn out of Elberton was another road going north. We took it and before long, we were in South Carolina, 52 miles NORTH of got-dam Augusta, Georgia. If this was a short-cut, it was the damnedest one I ever saw. "Bejus! We're on the other side of Clark Hill Lake!" I exclaimed.

"Hmmm..." Catfish replied. "I think I fucked up. But I SWEAR that I remember coming home from Athens by going through Elberton." That kind of memory may be the reason he got out of the insurance business.

We finally arrived at my house seven hours after we left Athens. What the hell. I had nothing better to do today than ride around lost for hours in northeast Georgia and bumfuck South Carolina. As usual, Catfish was unrepentent over his fuckwittery.

"Ya gotta admit one thing," he said. "We saw some great scenery. And those were damn good roads." Yes, I agreed, those were great roads. All 160 extra miles of them.

I'm never letting him navigate again.

Comments

For us non-Georgians, how long is the trip from Athens to Savannah supposed to take?

Posted by: Mandy on December 12, 2004 09:41 PM

I know what you mean about gettin' lost, but, I take the back roads to work so I don't have to get on the damned freeway. Too many assholes for my blood pressure. I'd rather "dodge the deer".

Posted by: RedNeck on December 12, 2004 09:42 PM

According to Mapquest, it should take about 4hrs. 50min.

Posted by: McClane on December 13, 2004 12:09 AM

Next time Cat navigates from Athens to Savannah, call me when you hit the Jersey border.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on December 13, 2004 03:32 AM

And I suppose stopping and asking for directions was totally out of the question, huh?

Posted by: Michele on December 13, 2004 04:51 AM

C'mon Michele.
You know that real men NEVER ask for directions.
It's a cultural thang.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on December 13, 2004 08:01 AM

I think Bumfuck SC is close to where Spurrier bought his new home. You two should have dropped by and begged for mercy.

Posted by: James Old Guy on December 13, 2004 08:47 AM

I fucked up, period. When I was at Ga, I went through Elberton a few times, going from Savannah to Athens, that was 40 years ago. I guess, I made the wrong turn, it was a a very nice ride and we had nothing better to do and we saw parts of our state, that we never seen before, that was worth it, so fuck you Rob, you can drive next time, Catfish.

Posted by: Catfish on December 13, 2004 09:26 AM

When Catfish says "Fuck You", you'd better be looking for a way out.

Actually, I arrived back in The Brier Patch ahead of schedule. Man, I was hauling ass.

Posted by: Sam on December 13, 2004 01:45 PM

catfish is the one the law's are looking for

Posted by: ocho nueve-diez on December 13, 2004 05:41 PM

It only took me six hours to get to fucking Jacksonville. Damn, boys.

Posted by: Velociman on December 14, 2004 06:45 AM
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