Gut Rumbles

October 10, 2004

i am a savant

I receive a LOT of emails from people asking me about vascetomies, prostate surgery and penile implants. I suppose that my blog shows up on a lot of search engines if somebody goes looking for that kind of information.

I do my best to answer every one of those emails as honestly as I can. I understand the curiosity and the fear involved that made those people write me in the first place. I have been there and done all three operations, so I guess I'm as qualified as anybody to discuss the procedures and the after-effects.

If it's any help to those who haven't written me yet, a vascetomy is nothing. Make the doctor give you a mild tranquilizer before he hits you with the novicane-- hell, if you're married, the old lady has to sign a consent form before you can de-seed yourself anyway, so make her come to the office to drive you home. Get mellow on the op-table.

Shave your crotchital area beforehand. Otherwise, a nurse is gonna do it in the doctor's office, and you'll be ashamed at the way your dick shrinks up like a stack of dimes 30 cents tall when she lays that razor on you. You and the old lady need to take a bath together the night before and shave EACH OTHER. That's a lot more fun.

Keep an ice pack on your balls for 24 hours after the operation. That may sound difficult to do, but it's really not. Just buy some tight underwear, put it on, shove a bag of ice in there, and every time the ice melts, swap that bag for new ice. I never even had a bruise after MY vascetomy, and I dug a hole in my yard and buried a very large goat the day after my operation.

Prostate surgery is a different game. If you can find ANY way to avoid that, take it. That operation may have saved my life, but it knocked me on my ass worse than anything else I've ever experienced, and I thought that I was a tough guy. That "nerve sparing" surgery is largely bullshit. Chances are more likely that you'll be both impotent and incontinent after that operation.

You can regain your continence with practice, but a dead dick stays dead. That ain't no fun. I felt sorry for a few wimmen who tried to rehabilitate my limp Roscoe duing the 19 months I spent with a dead dick. They tried every trick they knew--- but nothing worked.

Once those nerves are gone, so is your erection. Period. Unless you're willing to inject your penis with "fix a flat" juice via a hypodermic needle. I did that a few times and I never knew what I was going to get. Nothing... or a painful six-hour erection. I hated that stuff.

A penile implant is better than nothing, but it won't restore you to your old self. If your penis is normally fairly thick and long when flaccid, implants work well. But I had one of the "oh, SHIT!" dicks that didn't look like much until it became angry. (I call it an "oh, SHIT" dick because I heard many wimmen say that after they made Roscoe angry, as in "Oh, SHIT! Where did THAT come from?")

Implants will allow you to have an erection, but you can feel the implant and it's just not natural. You have to become accustomed to having a lot of hardware in your nutsack, and that's no fun, either. Sit down the wrong way and you'll jump back up quickly.

I will say this: as much as I criticize wimmen, every one I've known since I became bionic has been perfectly happy with what I had to give them. It ain't what I ONCE could offer, but I've never had a woman laugh at me and refuse to sleep with me because of my artificial wanger. In fact, most of them are quite curious to learn how it works.

I am delighted to show them, just as I am delighted to answer email from people facing the same problems I've been through.


Why the hell did you have the surgery!?!?!? Chemo and Radiation will work minus the bionic dick.

Posted by: dbltap on October 10, 2004 11:32 PM

I think there's two things every man should have......a vasectomy and a bionic dick. My Love has them both, and I've never had better, more relaxed, and more pleasurable sex in my life.
Not having to worry about birth control.....*and* him being able to "get it up" anytime day or night , sober, drunk , or amazing!

Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr on October 11, 2004 01:16 AM

Great advise on the shave, but then, that's what nurses are for. Had mine done in morning and went to the bowl-a-drome that night just to watch and have my team laugh at me for walking bow-legged.

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on October 11, 2004 07:04 AM

If the Ca is confined to the gland itself, removal of the gland gives the best chance for long term survival. They don't have a good chemo treatment for prostate cancer yet that I know of. Lots of "clinical trials" but nothing you'd want to bet the deed to the ranch on. Radiation is not 100%, and zapping around that area can inflict its own collateral damage as well. It has its advantages and many people choose it.

I was looking at what they call in Business School "a decision under conditions of risk." I chose the surgery because I wanted the damned thing out of my body, 100% or as close as possible. Once that shit gets loose in your body, well, prostate cancer is one very hell of a way to die.

Anyone reading this and facing this decision needs as much good information as possible. For starters, he should get a copy of Dr. Patrick Walsh's book, Guide to surviving Prostate Cancer, and check the newsgroup They're a great bunch of guys (and supportive gals, wives and others.)

And good luck. [Gets off soap box.]

Posted by: Ernie G on October 11, 2004 08:21 AM

I didn't know if a man was married he had to get a written consent from his wife before he got a vascetomy. I'm married and I didn't have to get a consent from my husband when I got my tubes tied. Is the rules different in different states? Or is it just different with different genders?

Posted by: Angela on October 11, 2004 11:13 AM

Maybe I should send this to the Grouchy Old Cripple for his Monday pun but I'll post it here instead:
Male sterilization surgery certainly unmakes a vas defrens.

Posted by: BlogDog on October 11, 2004 12:07 PM

the rules are different for the genders Angela.
As far as I know , the rules are the same in every state.

I found it slightly disturbing the glee with which my wife signed the permission forms...

Needed to post a keyboard alert on that one Blogdog! Back to the supply store....

Posted by: delftsman3 on October 11, 2004 02:41 PM

Ernie is correct. The best and surest cure for prostate cancer remains a radical prostatectomy. If the doctors get the gland out before the cancer spreads from the capsule, you're cured.

Radiation kills the same nerves the surgery does. Prostate cancer is a no-win situation.

You think I didn't weight every option before I let 'em cut on me? I was 49 years old. I KNEW what prostate cancer does to a person. I thought I had a lot of life ahead of me.

I took the surest cure and it appears to have worked. The after-effects I dealt with.

Game over, case closed.

Posted by: Acidman on October 11, 2004 07:17 PM

i had a vasectomey 2 or 3 yrs ago. i hit 40 and had a tough time getting the solder to do reveile when i needed him the most.i remember when he was like chinese arithmatic, hard as hell, but now a days its just like im lucky he sorta showed still works, but, when you have a wife who does not care if you have a rock or a flat tire , it gets to you!!!! HELP ME !!!!!! A little head helps, but i get none!! What to do?

Posted by: pat on November 3, 2004 12:39 AM
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