Gut Rumbles

August 17, 2004


I went to visit a friend yesterday who has a golden retriever named Robert E. Lee. Ole Bobby is a damned fine dog. He's BIG, but smart, affectionate and well-behaved. "He got better after I had his nuts cut off," my friend said. I really didn't want to hear that shit.

I like dogs and I don't like cats. I'm a DOG person. I've been to several people's houses who were amazed when I rang the doorbell and they didn't hear a dog barking first. The dog usually was at my side, trying to sniff my balls and my asscrack. Dogs do that kind of thing, but I let 'em and they appreciate my courtesy. I get along even with mean dogs.

But dogs do some things that just piss me off.

They dig holes. BEJUS! When I was working my ass off on the mini-farm trying to grow grass on all that barren ground, Bud LOVED IT when I spent a couple of hours laying sod and watering it into the ground. As soon as I turned the sprinkler off, he went out there and dug like a fucking BACKHOE. He could fuck up a good day's work in five minutes.

Did you ever have a dog that liked to eat cat-shit? GOT-DAM! Even before we GOT a cat with a litter-box that Bud thought was a buffet table, Bud went outside and DUG UP catshit to eat, that mangy hound. I've seen him many a time looking like a big, hairy bastard with a cigar hanging out of his mouth as he munched a cat-turd. THEN, he wanted to come lick on you after eating shit. Dogs do that kind of thing.

Dogs read body language better than most people do. Bud had a vocabulary of about 50 words and he knew EXACTLY what you were saying if you used any of those words. ("Bacon," "Cat" and "SICCEM" were his favorites. All three made him hungry.) But he got the message loud and clear without a sound being spoken sometimes. All I had to do was GLARE at him. He knew when he fucked up and he knew when he pissed me off.

Dogs feel guilt. Cat's don't.

Did you ever have a guilt-ridden dog try to suck-up into your good graces again after a fuckup? Is that an award-winning performance, or what? The dog will grovel, thump it's tail on the floor and BEG for forgiveness with big, trusting eyes focused on you as if you were GOD. You know good and well that you love the dog and you're gonna cave in the end, but SOMETIMES you just have to make the dog ratchet up that acting to a higher plane.

"NOPE. That's not good enough. I'm still pissed at you." Then... turn your back and refuse to look at the dog. That sumbitch will turn into a Slinky on you and worm all over the place until he gets your attention. Dogs do that kind of thing.

Dogs remind me of little boys. Cats remind me of ex-wives.


Man--that's dead on. One damn fine post. It's these gems you drop on me from time to time that bring me back all the time. Well done.

Posted by: Deliverance on August 17, 2004 11:34 AM

Back when I was still married, we had cats (which he got custody of when we split) and a dog Sarah (who is mine). One weekend I had my mom's dog as well. As soon as Tipper came in and the dogs exchanged butt sniffs, Sarah showed her to the snack tray like a good hostess. I tried all kinds of tricks to keep the dogs out of that box, but nothing worked till we moved to a place with an extra bathroom and we blocked off the bottom half of the door with cardboard. Cat jumped over and the dog stayed out.

Posted by: shell on August 17, 2004 11:37 AM

Dogs come when you call them....cats take your number and get back to you. (-_-)

Posted by: Sherry on August 17, 2004 04:53 PM


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer, to: "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said: "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said: "No problem I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unloveable you may be this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and it was a good animal and God was pleased. The animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said,: "No problem because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while it came to pass that Adams' guardian angel came to the Lord and said: "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said: "No problem I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes he was reminded that he wasn't the supreme being . And Adam learnt humility . And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Posted by: Link on August 17, 2004 05:11 PM

a dog looks at its owner and thinks
You feed me, pet me, take care of me, give me a dry place to sleep, you must be God

a cat looks at its owner and thinks
You feed me, pet me, take care of me, give me a dry place to sleep, I must be God

Posted by: Mike on August 17, 2004 05:37 PM

I was starting to comment, when I did I fount out I had more to say then a comment would hold. It's here if you're curious...

Posted by: Bryan on August 17, 2004 11:39 PM

Nothing looks is as absolutely heartbreaking, as a dog that knows he has done wrong, and is trying to worm his way back into your goodbooks. It always makes me laugh, (and immediately forgive him)

Posted by: Emily on August 18, 2004 03:32 AM

I was at a house today on business that had a cat. I wanted to barf after 30 seconds because this damn cat stunk up the whole place. The reason I was there because the owner's boyfriend weighed 400 lbs. and wondered why the kitchen chair/set that his girlfriend bought didn't support him while he chowed down on his girlfriend's best effort at the stove. Of course the furniture was made in China, but what do you expect for $125.00 and 4 chairs and a table and cheap spot welds to boot? There is no furniture anywhere to support this fat ass boyfriend...what this has to do with a cat, I'm not sure, but I would surely bust a gut smelling this cat within 20 miles. I prefer the logs in the backyard left by dogs.

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