Gut Rumbles

August 11, 2004

i'm back

In case you haven't noticed, I'm back in the Crackerbox now, after a trip that I will remember for the rest of my life. I would have liked to have left South Dakota and headed due south to the desert and Texas, but Recondo was becoming homesick by then, missing his own toilet with all the required reading material handy, so I went where he drove. I have a few observations:

1) The Pacific Northwest is a den filled with liberal booger-heads, until you get out of Washington state.

2) I've never seen so may espresso cafes in my life as I did in the northwest. Down South, we call "espresso" that pot of coffee in the Waffle House that's been sitting on the burner for four hours so that it has boiled down to be thick as coal tar.

3) I would live in Montana if I could adjust to the cold winters. That's beautiful country.

4) Let's do our next nuclear bomb test in Iowa. Nobody will miss what gets blown away. There's plenty more corn in Nebraska.

5) Girls are prettier Down South.

6) You'll never appreciate just how big this country is until you drive across it.

7) Lewis and Clark were either the bravest men who ever lived or a pair of crazy, shithouse rats. Either way, I am awed by what they did.

8) Montana and South Dakota have a lot of rivers and creeks with no water in them. There's a BRIDGE, but no water.

9) The Mississippi River is impressive if you cross it anywhere.

10) Europe and John Kerry can kiss my Cracker ass. How can ANYONE look around this country and NOT know that we aren't high-school girls that need someone to hold our hands while we go to the bathroom? By Bejus, brave men and wimmen BUILT this country and they didn't need any help doing it. We are Tall Dog and we've got the landscape to prove it. Allies? Make "friends" with those who would like nothing better than to see us fail? Fuck 'em. If I'm in a fight, I'd take a Montana rancher or an Idaho logger watching my back over ANYTHING Europe can produce.

That's MY humble opinion.


I agree about Montana. I just spent 4 days there and will be going back at the end of the month to look for a job. What an awesome place with great people. I have never felt more humble than when driving through Montana. I cannot wait to move there!

Posted by: Kenna on August 11, 2004 05:46 PM

Booger-heads are mainly confined to the cities around the Puget Sound- Seattle, Tacoma, Bellingham, Olympia. Those counties are blue, most of the rest are red. Bremerton's a navy town, and eastern Washington is pretty much Monatana with severe glacier damage. There was some talk for awhile about making a new state out of eastern Washington, the Idaho panhandle, western Montana, and tiny corner of Oregon.

Posted by: Dave Munger on August 11, 2004 06:14 PM

I agree with Dave Monger on this. Once you get out of the coastal cities, you get into red country.

We live about 30 miles due east of Bellingham, WA - B'ham is a cess-pit of liberal moonbattery - big university with lots of XYZZY-Studies courses on the catalog but once you get a couple miles out of town, the big Bush/Cheney / Dino Rossi for Gov signs start appearing and it's a lot more conservative.

The town we live in (Maple Falls) has a lot of hippies coming in for recreation (it's on the slopes of Mt. Baker - this is where snow-boarding was invented plus there is lots of great river-rafting during the summer). A scene in a local restaurant illustrates the two cultures - it had rained and there was a nice rainbow. A hippy chick said that there was a pot of gold. A timber worker said there sure was - he and his crew were going to be clearcutting that area the next week.

Posted by: DaveH on August 11, 2004 06:22 PM

That's "Mr. Well-Traveled Asshole" to YOU, KIm.

Posted by: Acidman on August 11, 2004 07:25 PM

Montana, eh? Sounds good. I hate the politics where I live (Great Lakes area) but never liked hot weather much.

Posted by: Jim on August 11, 2004 08:02 PM

Hmm......I live up in North Dakota, and I think this is the center of the universe, and possibly the most beautiful place in the world . Winter, spring, summer or fall, no one has skies any bigger than the upper Great Plains. I happen to live in the Red River Valley of the North, the valley formed by glacial Lake Agazzi. Lake Agazzi covered most of ND, MN, as well as Manitoba. I think we should test our next nuke in Georgia, since the land has been in use more continuously than ND or Iowa. That way you could start over.......

Posted by: zipity on August 11, 2004 10:41 PM

Zipity, a lot of us *did* start over....right after Sherman left.

Posted by: mike on August 11, 2004 11:03 PM

Get 'em, Mike!

Posted by: Acidman on August 11, 2004 11:17 PM

Zipity- I'm from the Red River Valley (Wahpeton). I made all the way to Montana. I have NEVER lived in a bad place. People are great everywhere once you get past the no work crowd. I even liked NYC. By the way, winter in Montana is a peach (gratuitous Georgia reference) compared to the Red River Valley although my dad (83) says the winters aren't as tough as when he was a kid in North Dakota.

Posted by: tim on August 11, 2004 11:29 PM

That's almost the exact same reaction I had when I did it the first time. God damn this is one huge, beautiful country.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on August 12, 2004 12:47 AM

Dave: People also want to make a new state ("Jefferson") out of southern Oregon and northern California (ie, the most Red parts of both).

Rob: You want dry gullies with bridges? Try the southwest. Arizona's full of "rivers" that might see liquid water once a year.

I still like Portland even if it is filled with hippies and moonbats.

Posted by: Sigivald on August 12, 2004 01:15 PM

"If I'm in a fight"

...You'll run off to school like little W.

Posted by: ? on August 12, 2004 07:50 PM

Yeeee-Hah. Oh boy..reach fer yer gun, kick those europeans in the ass, especially the french! goddamn backstabbing frog eaters!

Oh, but wait...didn't the french support us in the war of independance against the evil british king George who wanted us to be just another shitty british colony?

Didnt they give us the statue of liberty? as a gift to honor the friendship and the commitment to liberty between France and the US.

Oh well, fuck em.....yeah, thats right. we know best. Those europeans aint worth shit. I mean its not as if we own them fuck is it? I mean we'd have still kicked the british ass (even though we only had hunting rifles and pitchforks, while the french gave us armaments and fought alongside us).

Um...where is europe anyways?

yeah dats right, fuck dem....

um....anyways, thats what i think.

Posted by: European on August 13, 2004 05:29 AM

Didn't we have to bail the French out of WW One? Didn't we have to bail the French out of WW Two?

Oh and by the way, didn't we have to actually FIGHT the French in WWII when they formed the Vichy government and allied with the Nazis? Didn't they round up jews and ship them off in boxcars to the gas chambers? Yep, they did.

Haven't we been cleaning up for the French ever since, to include Viet Nam (French Indo-China)? Yes, I think so.

Tell you what, European. You can fucking TAKE the fucking cheese eating surrender monkeys and keep them. As far as I'm concerned, we should have just let Germany keep France. Fuck 'em. France has been nothing but a shitty little backwater hellhole OF THEIR OWN CHOOSING for the past 100 years. Fuck them all. Nuke the fucking country and shoot anyone glowing in the dark. Bulldoze the fucking place and turn it into a parking lot for our REAL allies, the British. Fucking build nuke waste dumps there. Use it as bombing practice, bonus points for taking down that fucking tower in Paris. Hell, flattening the country and turning it into a global landfill would be better than it's current state.

How do you like THEM apples, you fucking dipshit?

Posted by: Raging Dave on August 15, 2004 12:21 AM
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