Gut Rumbles
 

June 24, 2004

things I don't understand

#1) De-Caf Coffee. What the fuck is the point? If you can't cop a righteous energy buzz after a couple of cups, why drink coffee at all? Give ME the thick, turgid, muddy stuff that makes my hair stand on end.

#2) Non-Alcoholic Beer. Again, what the fuck is the point? I've tried NA beers and I'm yet to find a one that doesn't taste like watered-down possum piss. I would rather drink ice water.

#3) Vegetarian Diets. Something is seriously wrong with someone who doesn't eat meat. Human beings would not have canine teeth if Mother Nature herself hadn't designed us to gnaw rib bones and tear great chunks off a pizza with extra pepperoni and sausage. Who are the vegans trying to fool? Shitting high-fiber turds IS NOT what we were put on this planet to do.

#4) Organic Food. The very term is a lie in itself, and anybody who believes that "organic" food is uniquely healthy is a blithering idiot. Hell, they have to be idiots to pay twice the price for products dipped in shit instead of 10-10-10 fertilizer. That's California Dreaming.

#5) "Healthy Choice" TV Dinners. Got-Dam! Does anyone really believe that a frozen brick you buy in the supermarket, after you pass up all the fresh fruits, vegetables and meats, is a HEALTHY CHOICE? Don't get me wrong. The meals aren't bad, but I prefer truth in advertising. Try "Better than that Swanson shit, BUT NOT a healthy choice."

#6) Low-Sodium ANYTHING. Yeah, yeah, yeah... salt is BAD for you. Just try living without it. YOU'LL DIE!!! Again, I prefer truth in advertising, so instead of "low-sodium," the food should be labeled "HAS NO TASTE." That low-sodium crap is more California Dreaming.

#7) "Renewable Energy". That's the new war-cry of asshole environmentalists who don't know jack-shit about energy production. The only really reliable source of renewable energy that we've ever found in sufficient quantity and reliability to make it practical is hydroelectric power, but environmentalists hate dams as much as they hate coal-fired turbine-generators or nuke plants. People who do the la-la dance about windmills and solar panels should be FORCED to live with that kind of power only. After they freeze their asses off in the dark for a year or so, they may stop their California Dreaming.

#8) Saying "Gender" when you mean "Sex". This one is a pet peeve of mine, because it reflects the complete pussification of America that I've watched occur during the second half of my life. "Sex" sounds dirty. EEEEWOOOO! Can't have THAT! "Gender," on the other hand, sounds really neutral, scientific and unoffensive, even to militant feminists, who are the ones I really believe STARTED this corruption of our language. Delicate ears require a lot of insulation lest they hear something they don't like.

#9) Gun Control. If ANY proponent of gun control could show me ONE EXAMPLE of where the idea has worked to make society better and safer, I might listen to them. But they can't, and I won't.

#10) Survivor. I watched one episode of that show long ago and I never felt the urge to watch it again. I've seen enough back-stabbing and politicking in my REAL life that I have no desire whatsoever to come home and watch more of that shit on my television.

There. How's THAT for a Thursday Ten?

Comments

Outstanding, we're on the same page, I hate fads and loathe being around those that are so picky, they're miserable and make everyone else miserable. there's nothing better than a good steak grilled over charcoal chased with a good cold real beer finished off with an after dinner smoke.

Posted by: Jack on June 24, 2004 01:23 PM

I like survivor,, shows that people are really pigs. Even ones with big tits.

Posted by: James Old Guy on June 24, 2004 01:34 PM

It's not often I see a list like this and agree
wholeheartedly with every point. You make too much sense. You'll have to go. Sorry...

Posted by: haveayen on June 24, 2004 02:23 PM

I hate gun control. Oh, damn, I just can't get enough Survivor.

Posted by: Michael on June 24, 2004 02:24 PM

Hard to argue with that list. But you left off "Low-carb _______ ".

Why eat a steak if you can't have potatoes with it? Or a piece of bread to soak up the blood.

Posted by: Bruce on June 24, 2004 02:25 PM

I'm the kinda girl who loves to wake up to a good strong cup of coffee! I wholeheartedly agree with you. Come over we'll do rare steaks on the grill, have ice cold beer and we can talk about SEX all day long!!!

Posted by: Chelle on June 24, 2004 02:34 PM

I'm all for gun control. I mean, what good is a gun if you can't control it well enough to put a slug right where you want it?

Posted by: Ernie G on June 24, 2004 02:48 PM

Stubborn.

Don't get me started on this again...At some point you're going to have to let the whole "gender" thing go. It's commonly used because people don't like asking the sex of a child.

(This is coming from someone who - as a kid - put "often" in the blank next to the word "sex" on my standardized test .)

Oh, and I drink decaf.

When you're hooked on the morning cup, and your evil doctor takes caffeine out of your diet, you do whatcha gotta do.

...I won't pick on ya for the other eight. ; )

Posted by: Key on June 24, 2004 06:39 PM

It still says "sex" on my Birth Certificate and my Driver's License.

As for Gun Control, I'm all for it! I get SO annoyed at these latter-day ignorant yahoos who don't seem to be able to control their guns!

Gun control is really very simple; if shooting a rifle, snuggle that stock up to yer cheek as if welded, take a breath, let half of it out, hold it, focus on the front sight...

Well, that's part of gun control, but it's different for handguns and shotguns, and I'm the furthest thing from an expert myself. Please seek competent instruction from your local NRA-certified instructor. The NRA may be politically wimpy, and statist, and cop-friendly in their politics, but I think they are still the best at teaching people gun control!

That is, how to shoot well, as in hitting what you're shooting at.

Posted by: Justthisguy on June 24, 2004 07:10 PM

I'm sorry Mr. Smith but I'm gonna have to disagree with you on number 6.

Low sodium stuff does serve a purpose, I'm sodium sensitive. If I eat a couple of hotdogs, it blows my blood pressure for the day and feels like a hold-over (drunk hang over.)

However, I damn well agree on the rest of the list!

Posted by: Jim Gwyn on June 24, 2004 08:07 PM

And what about that horse manure "THEY'RE pregnant" instead of "SHE'S pregnant"? Has the male half of the couple started the carrying the child part of the time...?

Posted by: Mike on June 24, 2004 09:28 PM

Black (African American?) coffee, nice 'an strong in the morning, Steak, bloody rare, with a baked potoato slathered in butter and sour cream in the evening. A few beers, and I love my cigarettes. So what if it subtracts 10 years from my lifespan? I will die happy.

As for gun control, mine is excellent, with all of them—after all, practice makes perfect, if not broke from buying ammo. Never watched survivor, and probably never will.

Posted by: Anthony L. on June 25, 2004 08:41 AM

Actually, Survivor is a very instructive show, providing that you plan on doing the *OPPOSITE* of what the contestants do. Two examples:
1. In Survivor Outback after the merge, one of the men wanted to put the camp up on a hill instead of in the dry stream bed. Jerri, the 'bitch' of that season, wanted it closer to the water so they wouldn't have to walk so far. Their camp, along with their food, was washed away when the inevitable rains came.

2. In Survivor Thailand, one team won a reward challenge that gave them a team of Thai Special Forces for 24 hours. Instead of using that time to learn what they could eat (and thus stay healthier and stronger than the other team), they spent the time squabbling amongst themselves.

Like I said, a very instructive show, if you know what to look for.

Posted by: Bill on June 25, 2004 09:01 AM

The main thing wrong with Survivor is that they are all trying to do eachother in. I know, I know that's the object of the stupid show. In real life, people in that position would have to cooperate with each other to survive. Or am I being too naive? I know I would want someone to watch my back, and I would do the same, in that scenario.

Posted by: Jaydee on June 25, 2004 07:07 PM
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