Gut Rumbles
 

June 08, 2004

falling off the deep end

I'm not sure when it started, but I just felt bad from around Christmas until I ended up in the hospital at the first of April. I reached the point where I fell down a lot and became dizzy every time I stood up. (That was the sinus/inner-ear infection I was carrying around, plus too much vodka.) My stomach hurt and I had no appetite. (That was the ulcer problem, plus too much vodka.) I broke my foot. (That was Oddball The Dumbass Dog, plus too much vodka.) I couldn't sleep. I felt like Fido's ass. (Too much vodka.)

I didn't go to a doctor about ANY of that crap. I just started drinking vodka at 5:00 in the morning and taking valium as if I were eating Pez candy. I believe, in the deep recesses of my mind, I was out to kill myself, and I was doing a pretty good job of it.

Along the way, I managed to fuck up a few friendships and alienate some people that I never meant to offend. I have no excuses except a total lack of self-control for what I did. I wish that I had never done it, but I did, and I can't take it back now. That's all blood under the bridge.

I believe that I've saned up a lot lately. I'll drink beer, but not a whole lot, and I haven't had any liquor or white zin in the Crackerbox for a couple of months. In a lot of ways, I am proud of myself. I stood at the edge of the abyss and I managed to step back instead of going in head-first. I have NOT had an easy time of it.

I can't undo what I did. I can be contrite and I can apologize to those who are willing to listen, but if you are NOT willing to listen, I don't blame you. I blame ME. I fucked up, period.

I will offer one thought on my behalf. I didn't lose any real friends during that ugly time. The ones I've known for most of my life worried about me, attempted to offer advice (which I rejected) and then just got out of the way. I've always said that a real friend doesn't expect you to be perfect. A real friend accepts you, warts and all, and probably knows those warts better than you do yourself. If you go flying off the handle, they'll still be there when you come back.

I believe that I'm at least halfway back now. I've still got some climbing to do, but I'm not so deep in that black hole anymore.

And now, more than ever, I know who my true friends are.

Comments

No one said the road to redemption was easy. Keep climbing!

Posted by: Nameis on June 8, 2004 01:14 PM

Just by reflecting on your actions and honing up to your mistakes you've come farther than most people ever do. I admire your courage, determination, and honesty. Keep truckin'!

Posted by: The Zero Boss on June 8, 2004 01:45 PM

Thank you for taking responsibility for your debits as well as your credits acidman.
Keep climbing. :)

Posted by: quark2 ♥ on June 8, 2004 01:50 PM

Good Lord Acidman!

An honest to goodness post about yourself in a transparent manner! I know I don't post/email/blog/whatever much, but I have followed your blog for the last couple of years and I can truly say that I am just a little "touched" that you would be open about yourself.

As far as those who stepped back and even turned away from you, well I hope they realize that we are all fallen creatures and that you deserve our "love" and "affection" just like anyone else does.

I've been wondering whether I should actually post in the blog I created (because I was bored one day). Do you think the blogdom is ready for another rabid UGA fan?

Chris
http://www.websch01ar.com

Posted by: Websch01ar on June 8, 2004 03:41 PM

I can tell that you are doing a lot better, cause you seem to be using spell check and grammar check again!
I am glad you're back!

Posted by: Phil on June 8, 2004 04:11 PM

Rob doesn't need the spell/grammar check when he's on his game;-)

I haven't commented in a while but I'm still here everyday. It's great to see you back in that saddle again!

Posted by: Chablis on June 8, 2004 04:19 PM

A few of us here at work in NC, who are some of your most faithful readers, are glad to hear it. Good on ya.

Posted by: rivlax on June 8, 2004 04:51 PM

Dear Rob:

We can forgive everything else, but as a resident of the TRUE wine-country (Oregon), I have to draw the line at White Zin.

"Friends don't like friends drink White Zinfandel".

Cheers!

-Will

Posted by: Will on June 8, 2004 05:01 PM

Spoken like the true man you always claim to be.

It'll be interesting to see how your writing and attitude changes in the future. I know I'll continue to read, because you speak your mind (whatever state it's in), and I think you are a good writer.

jimboy

Posted by: jimboy on June 8, 2004 05:07 PM

You rock, and I never stopped having faith or remembering who the real you was. No ceremonial de-friending for me.

Posted by: Jay Solo on June 8, 2004 05:26 PM

Good on 'ya!

Posted by: mike on June 8, 2004 06:21 PM

I've been concerned more than once for your health, both mental and physical, but I've been a regular reader just waiting for you to pull your head out. I'm glad to see you're doing that.

Keep it up!

Posted by: Kevin Baker on June 8, 2004 06:24 PM

Dear Rob - As it should be apparent from the posts above, there are many of us who have been concerned about you lately. Suffice to say that we've all "got your six" and will be here for you through thick and thin. ( Could I possibly find more cliches?). You are blessed with more friends out here than you know, and I'm proud to say that I count myself among that group. With kindest regards, Terry

Posted by: Terry Reynolds on June 8, 2004 07:26 PM

I think that Loyalty is one of the larger parts of Friendship.

Always have been, always will be......

...... your Friend.


Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on June 8, 2004 09:10 PM

Good for you Acidman.
The first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging.
Don't know who said it. But I like it.
You can find my pictures of me in Indonesia on dtman.com. under unkbill general. Your trip south reminded me so much of Indo it wasn't funny. You would like it there also. Keep trucking. Never give up alcohol altogether. My dad once told me to never trust a man that doesn't drink.

Posted by: Unkbill on June 8, 2004 10:22 PM

Hell, you were quite sane with me. Although I feel guilty we fell off the wagon a bit, but it was only beer. You'll be fine. I sense these things. Of course, I also see dead people, but at least they know they're dead, and don't speak. Mostly relatives at the funeral parlor.

Posted by: Velociman on June 8, 2004 10:25 PM

You know with every wave that rises, sooner or later it'll be heading for a trough. The good news is that trough is heading for another crest. We'll be with you at the bottom and at the top.

Posted by: Adam on June 8, 2004 10:48 PM

It's good to see you back hitting on all cylinders, A-man.

Posted by: Jay G (a.k.a. Guy) on June 8, 2004 11:53 PM

I think it was the mango. It did knock some sense into a hard headed noggin.

Takes one to know one.

Posted by: BeeBee on June 9, 2004 06:06 AM

I may not have known you for yearS, yet, but you've got a 'forever' friend/person in me, Rob.

I owe you. I owe you more than I could ever say or repay. You may not have even known you were doing it, but, Dude... you managed to put my bootstraps into my hands so that I could start pulling myself up.

You helped save me.

Plus, in my heart, you are one of the BEST people I know, because you're one of the most HONEST people I know and I love that (among other things) about you.

For whatever it's worth, you've got a place in my mind and heart and you'll have my loyalty and love forever and a day or more.

You truly are one of the good ones, Rob.

Anybody who doesn't get that... screw 'em. It really is their loss.

Posted by: Stevie on June 9, 2004 08:33 AM

I'm glad you're still around. I'd miss your writing if you went over the edge. Besides. You're not a bad guy as fas as I can see.

Posted by: Ricky Vandal on June 9, 2004 01:36 PM

You have no idea how bad thinigs can get. Or maybe you have. What you can be sure of is that nomatter how bad things do actually get, there is always a ready fucking supply of people happy to heap more on top. For a laugh. Then they will add some fucking sprinkles on top.

Posted by: stephen mcateer on June 9, 2004 04:50 PM

I've been with you, Rob. Didn't comment much but I was there and I worried about you right along with the rest of your friends.

BTW, inner ear fluid is a real bitch....

Posted by: flax on June 9, 2004 10:45 PM

Good to see you bouncing back.

Posted by: Lee on June 10, 2004 12:48 AM

Spoken like a true Wagoneer!
Overcoming our fear and frailty is a source
of TRUE self esteem.

Keep kickin' ass a-dude

Posted by: wes jackson on June 10, 2004 04:12 AM

I'm with Will, except for his dismissal of California.

RED zin, rob, RED. Especially for the fourth of July!

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