Gut Rumbles

March 28, 2004

brilliant thinkers

Here's an example of the kind of email I receive more and more frequently every day. Notice the deep thought and clever use of language that went into this one.

Asshole get a life? That is one weak assed comeback. Your small maggot mind must be too stymied by the truth to spew any more garbage. I have a life and a good one. Maggot, you're the first one to publish your embarrassing ignorance on the net. Now you tell me to get a life? Fuck you.

Please Maggot do tell, why do you Maggots smell like dogs when you get wet? My friend and I are at odds about this issue. He thinks it is because you fuck your house pets and I think it is because you have the hair of dogs and they are your original forefathers. Please help us solve this puzzle. Wait a minute, maybe we are both right. You come from dogs and that may be why you fuck them. Am I right, huh, huh?

Oh no, this is getting even more complex. Yet another friend says that your skin is not like a maggot because it is not really white. He argues that you have the color of a pink pig. Only you can help us solve this ever growing debate. Are you from the maggot, dog or pig?

No, Mr., I am from the rat and the wolf. I also have the ability to write, which you lack. You couldn't "debate" your ass out of a plastic grocery bag. You must have a lot of personal problems (Little dick? Can't get laid? Pimples on your face? No money and no future?) to motivate you to write emails such as this one. I'll bet that Mom and Dad are proud of you when they see your "work."

You can kiss my Cracker ass, you fucking nitwit. If you don't like what I write, come knock on my door and tell me about it in person. Bring your "friends," too, if you actually have any. I'll show you what animal I resemble and leave no doubt in your mind about it.

Suck my bionic dick, you sick bastard.