Gut Rumbles

July 30, 2003


What if Acidman was Lileks? Work with me here. Think about the Star Trek episode with the transporter mishap, and Kirk, Bones and Uhura end up in a parallel universe, where a scar-faced Sulu is trying to get jiggy with Uhura. Evil Spock has a goatee and a serious career development problem. So what would a Bloat look like?

Took Mosquito to the Savannah Mall so we could mock the Windows losers obviously out of their league in the Apple Store. Showed her how to get free porn on the game sites. This was my old routine, even though the BC got her ass fired, and that sweet salary went south, along with my easy living. I know the bitch did it on purpose because she's about to leave me for that Phoenician shithead at her office and wants to glom onto MY salary at the divorce. I told Mosquito not to grow up into a twat like that.

I love Crackerwood. It's in a great old neighborhood with fifty thousand steps to the front door and a Giant Speedfreak as a neighbor who drinks my liquor like he owns the Absolut distillery. And Cracker is a great big dog that eats cats, which I like, and leaves huges piles of dung on the floor, which I admire, especially when it has cat bones in it. I had problems with my gimblofizzits on my new Mac laptop, and then the goddammed farfigfuckingnuggen wouldn't work, but you Windows losers wouldn't know shit about that, would you?

I had three articles to do tonight, but I said fuck it and slugged down five glasses of white zin and e-mailed my syndicate a piece of shit article I'd written two years ago about how I found some asshat's matchbook collection and fried every damned one of them trying to get a soaked sinsy bud lit. I've got a file drawer full of shit articles like that for emergency purposes.

Hugh Hewitt mocked me again on his radio show and said my guitar playing sucked, and how I liked Yellow Man, so I went down to the station and beat the pus out of him. Kinda sucks, because that clown was great filler on my Newhouse column. Now I need another hook.

Did I tell you how itsy-witsy cutesy-wutesy Mosquito is? Too bad. I needed a filler line. That hook's wearing thin, too. Think I'll adopt a kid from Cote D'Ivoire. THAT should give me some material. Look at that Gary Coleman and Willis schtick. Dana Plato's STILL in prison, isn't she? Slut.

Gotta run. Three radio interviews, a trip to Potty Barn (upscale toilet training gear), and a run to the drugstore for rubber gloves. Cracker needs a good deworming tomorrow, and I'm going to check his oil while I'm at it. Out.

Posted by guest blogger "I ain't gettin' no Instapundit link" Kim


Dana Plato's dead as a doornail.

Posted by: Lee on July 30, 2003 08:25 PM

Yeah, well, see? THAT's funny. If it bends, it's funny. If it breaks, it's not funny.

Posted by: Velociman on July 30, 2003 08:33 PM

Awesome! Why can't I write shit like that?

Posted by: Denny Wilson on July 30, 2003 09:11 PM

Gee, Denny. Look at all the comments. Jimmy Lileks. The Third Rail of the Blogosphere. Nobody's gonna jump on this one. Wait. Let's apply Occam's Razor. The simplest solution is usually the correct solution. Which means the post wasn't funny in the first place. NOW we're getting traction! How about if Acidman was Grouchy Old Cripple? I smell rubber hoses and a VH-1 What The Fuck Happened To Them? bio.

Posted by: Velociman on July 30, 2003 09:55 PM

No, you sell yourself short: It was quite funny. Two send ups at once is quite a feat. Bravo!

Posted by: Dodd on July 31, 2003 12:10 AM

Are you nuts? Screw those other blogs that haven't noticed this - trust me, I surf all day and This Is Hilarious. Knock it outta the park funny. When the wine goes thru the nose and all over the keyboard instead of down the hatch like it's 'posed to - sure sign of funny.

I am enjoying the h*** outta Acidman's vacation!

Posted by: Jaymie on July 31, 2003 12:32 AM

I haven't laugh this hard in a long time! Excellant writing! Acidman should go on vacation more often.

Posted by: Jilly on July 31, 2003 08:05 AM

Very clever.

Posted by: sugarmama on July 31, 2003 08:48 AM

I'll never be able to read Lileks the same way again .... thank God.

Posted by: lion on July 31, 2003 02:16 PM

Hi...I´m just surfed in and want to say hello!
Regards George

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