Gut Rumbles

June 23, 2003

lower production

Blogging may be curtailed for the next couple of days. I had a debauched weekend. I fell in with bad companions who corrupted me. We raided Randall's liquor store for buttershot schnapps and tequila, then went out to eat at the Sea Grill Friday night, then ordered a delivery of pizza, hot wings and breadsticks for breakfast on Saturday afternoon, after my guests finally strugged out of bed.

I was awake and blogging at 4:30 that morning. I blogged for a while, drank a couple of Bloody Marys, then shut down the computer and crawled back into bed to catch up with my friends. I was fortunate to have a domestic goddess here, who took one look at my kitchen and said, "EWWWWW! I can't STAND THIS MESS!" and cleaned it up for me.

While she was being a domestic goddess in the kitchen, I was holding weighty political discussions with her husband. We were solving all the problems of the world when I heard a shriek.

"Goddam it, Smith! What is THIS SHIT?" I scurried to see what she had found.

"Uh... that's my laundry room." She had the door open and was shooting me lightning bolts from her eyes.

"What's all that shit on the floor?"

"Uh... that would be my laundry," I explained.

"That's not a LAUNDRY-ROOM!" she replied. "It's a SHIT-HOLE! How do you live like this?"

I attempted to explain how I really didn't give a shit what my laundry room looked like as long as I had clean clothes to wear to work, and how I was really going to clean the place up some day, and how I pulled clothes out of the dryer and let the ones I didn't need at the time drop to the floor, where I left them, because I didn't need to wear them and that pile just kept getting bigger and bigger and...

"Smith, GO AWAY! You REALLY need a woman to take care of you. Do you know that? You are DISGUSTING!"

I went away. She cleaned up my laundry room and redid all the wrinkled clothes on the floor and hung them on hangers in my closet. She went to my bedroom for about 30 minutes and said, "SMITH! COME HERE!" I obeyed.

"You now have UNDERWEAR in this drawer, SOCKS in this drawer, T-SHIRTS in this drawer and WORK SHIRTS on hangers in THAT CLOSET. All your blue jeans are washed and folded in THAT CLOSET. Don't you EVER make me do this again."

"Will you vacuum my carpet now?" I asked.

I don't know what she threw at me but I dodged it and ran. I heard a lot of muttering about "shithead" and "swine" coming from the bedroom, but she eventually emerged saying, "Smith, you REALLY SUCK sometimes."

I responded, "Well, I guess a blowjob is out of the question, isn't it?"

I had to leave my own home for a while after that, while all kinds of Donald Duck squawking came from inside. But I got a lot accomplished. I changed the oil in my truck, trimmed my driveway and worked on my bronze-god suntan. I finally worked up the nerve to stick my head back in my own front door and ask, "Is it safe?"

Several snorts of buttershot had mellowed my housekeeper to the point where she hurled only threats and NOT hard, solid objects at my head. Boy, she is a sensitive one.

My house looks pretty good right now. I am PROUD of what I accomplished this weekend.

But I have an appointment with my urologist tomorrow at 5:00 and I have a complete plant shutdown to handle on Wednesday. I need to be at work around 0430 Wednesday morning. If I blog tomorrow, it will be brief. If I blog anything on Wednesday evening it'll be because the shutdown went as planned, which it never does.

I may just have to refer you to my archives or my blogroll. SMITH is going to be busy for the next two days.

But the Crackerbox looks damned good.


I swear you are Kim in some sort of alternate universe reality.

Posted by: Mrs. du Toit on June 23, 2003 05:50 PM

I don't walk around without a shirt. I have some modesty.

And I can't change the oil in a truck -- that's why God invented people called "Jeb" and "Dwayne".

And Rob needs a pump to get going, I need a Viagra IV, but apart from that, yeah, we're sorta alike.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on June 23, 2003 05:52 PM

Oh GAWD! Please don't tell me that you are twins!

Posted by: quark2 on June 23, 2003 06:04 PM

Acidman, I have never laughed SO HARD at anything you have posted!

All the while, I was picturing the laundry piles in my bedroom, dishes in my sink (okay, so only a few of those), etc. I have to get my ass home and do laundry tonight or I literally will not have clothes to wear in the morning. Well, underwear anyway. Some asshole better not have left laundry in the machines in the cellar tonight or I will be one unhappy camper.

Posted by: Jay Solo on June 23, 2003 06:40 PM

Tell the gang I said hi! SHE never did call me like she said she obviously corrupted her with all those buttershots.

Posted by: Da Goddess on June 23, 2003 06:59 PM

Good luck with that appointment tomorrow!

Posted by: Da Goddess on June 23, 2003 06:59 PM

Fer Chrissakes, A-man, you make enough coin. HIre fuckin' Molly Maid or some shit like that. I don't think BJ's are part of their service but at least the Crackerbox stays clean.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on June 23, 2003 08:59 PM

You actually shut down your computer? Why bother?

Posted by: starhawk on June 23, 2003 09:03 PM

How about a topless maid service? I've heard of those before.

Posted by: stevie on June 23, 2003 10:19 PM

Nice. You encapsulated everything I want to be when I'm grown up. Waitasecond. I'm 33. Ok, you are what I want to be when I'm 65.

Posted by: Eichra Oren on June 24, 2003 12:54 PM

Hah! I got there when I was 51!

Posted by: Acidman on June 24, 2003 06:35 PM

That has got to be one of the funniest posts ever. You definitely have a talent for writing not doing laundry.

Posted by: mog on June 25, 2003 06:06 PM

Now what about all us married women with kids who need a wife? When do we get equal time?

The clothes have taken over one room completely and has footholds in two more and a hallway.

My kitchen table that should seat at least 6 has enough open space for two right now.

Of course the problem with us women is we have some gene that won't allow us to let anyone else do it until we at least have the top layer of dirt cleared away.


Posted by: glorybbb on June 25, 2003 06:39 PM
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