April 30, 2003

more email

My loyal readers (or people trolling for links on my most wonderful and semi-popular blog) send me all sorts of interesting stuff. I enjoyed this one from the emuse.

Saw an anti-smoking billboard the other day that tickled my sense of irony.

First, it was some kind of cuddly-appeal-to-toddlers dragon puffing smoke clouds. But what I really liked was the tag line:

Smoking...Sooner or later, you'll end up in a coffin.

Excuse me? Sooner or later, every single one of us is going to end up in a coffin. "Life: Sooner or later, it will end." "Breathing: Sooner or later, it will stop."

This is the best the anti-smoking brigade can create? C'mon, if you're really against smoking, shouldn't your ad portray a really hideous reptile who is not afraid to screech "Smoking Kills Good Little Kiddies Who Take Up the Evil Weed?"

I like the idea, but Emuse doesn't spend as much time as I do telling really spooky stories to little children. I am REKNOWNED in my neighborhood for my ability to scare the living shit out of children so badly that they are afraid to walk home after dark unless I go with them carrying a flashlight.

The kids LOVE it and always come back for more. So, HERE is what I would tell them about smoking:

Did you know that some cigarettes have WORMS in them? You didn't? Well, it's the truth. That's why I always look at a cigarette REAL CLOSE before I light it. Usually, the worms leave a little, tiny hole in the paper, and if I ever see THAT, I throw the cigarette away. I know that it's got a worm in it. But SOMETIMES... they crawl in through the end of the cigarette and don't leave a hole. Do you know what happens if you smoke one of THOSE, with a worm in it? Well, you suck the worm down your throat, it eats part of your supper every night and grows to be as big as a SNAKE! Then, one night when you're asleep, it will eat its way out, RIGHT THROUGH YOUR EYEBALLS!!!

Heh. Kids pay no attention to a smoke-blowing dragon, but the vision of a worm eating through their EYEBALLS hit a home run in their imaginations. After that story, you can THREATEN to put a cigarette under their pillow at night and make them run screaming.

Did you know that vampires can smell cigarette smoke? Well they, CAN, and it attracts them. Plus if the room has cigarette smoke in it, vampires are immune to garlic, holy water and even crosses. That's why vampires ALWAYS look for people who smoke cigarettes. If you don't want to be bitten by a vampire, the best thing you can do is NEVER SMOKE A CIGARETTE. Especially at night.

I could go on, but I believe you get my point by now. If you're going to scare the shit out of a kid, be willing to do it right.