Gut Rumbles

December 30, 2003

my dog is stupid

Oddball likes to be outside. When I turn her out in the morning, she runs across the street and camps out on Jack's front porch most of the day. That's good. She's shitting in his yard instead of mine. They have a rottweiler, so they won't notice the pansy-assed turds my dog leaves over there.

But every day or so, I hear her barking up a storm. I know EXACTLY what causes that commotion. One of the neighbors has a big-headed, gray tomcat that once liked to shit in my garden, until I popped it in the ass in mid-poop with my pellet rifle one afternoon. Now, the sumbitch won't come into my yard, but it DOES like to sit in the bushes and glower with evil in its eyes at the Crackerbox, as if it is plotting revenge. I should have killed that fucker when I had the chance.

That cat drives Oddball crazy. The cat is at least as big as my dog, and it won't run from her. If Oddball spies that cat, an obnoxious bark-a-thon ensues. YAPYAPYAPYAPYAP! Oddball knows better than to try an attack, because that cat probably would eat her alive. But, she'll bark at it all day long. Got-dam! I can't stand that noise.

I have to go outside and say something like, "Go kill the cat, or shut the fuck up!" The cat sees ME and runs away. It remembers that sting in the ass I gave it with my pellet rifle. I am a man to be feared.

If this crap keeps up, I'm going to be forced to kill one of those two animals. Guess which one I'm going to pick?


Now I'm guessing here, but my money says Odball will be safe.
A friend of mine used to say he liked cats. Makes for good target practise. I would have believed him, if he hadn't been using a 12 guage at the time.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on December 30, 2003 03:55 PM

I agree - you should've killed the fucker!

Posted by: Sam on December 30, 2003 05:56 PM

You go out, get a dog, quickly get tired of his barking... and the solution is to shoot the neighborhood tomcat.

You ought to try to strangle that cat with your barehands. I'd bet you'd get much more satisfaction that way and it would give that tomcat a fair chance to carve you up.

Posted by: jpd on December 30, 2003 06:31 PM

Dogs bark. Live with it.
Don't kill the cat, because you thought it was a good idea to get a dog.

Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr on December 30, 2003 06:39 PM

Fuck 'em! Kill the cat! They make a nice stir fry.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on December 30, 2003 06:52 PM

Oddball would probably be better in the stir fry. More meat.

I bet tomcat meat tastes like tomcat piss smells.

Posted by: SwampWoman on December 30, 2003 07:22 PM

Had a neighbor's cat once like that. His name was Tyrone. We left the door open once while we were gone, and he came inside and pissed all over the house. Had him lined up in the shotgun's sights after that, but just couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger... wuss.

He took to standing on the BBQ and pissing on the kitchen window. So, I built the "tyronerizer". Took the flyback transformer out of an old monitor, and built a circuit that would throw a 1cm arc. Put a metal screen on the window, and some foil for a ground, and just waited for Tyrone to come along and complete the circuit. Came home one day to just the tiniest spot of cat pee on the window. Victory was sweet! He never came around our place again.

'bout six months later, I was over at the neighbors: "Gee, Tyrone must be getting old, we haven't had any kittens lately" sez they. I about split a gut. Moral of story: it takes about 10kV to sterilize a tomcat!


Posted by: 0xdeadbeef on January 1, 2004 02:14 AM

Try squirting vinegar under the bushes, or possibly hanging mothballs - assuming the bushes are in your yard and not the cat's.

Other than that - It's YOUR fucking dog, YOU bought it, YOU shut it up.

Killing a cat is fucking disgusting. What else do you do for fun, pull the wings off flies?

Anybody messes with my cats, I will rip off their balls, stuff them up their nostrils and put duct tape across their mouth.

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Posted by: wasters on February 11, 2004 11:47 AM

I criticize by creation -- not by finding fault.

Posted by: Still Doug on May 2, 2004 08:15 PM

A person never tells you anything until contradicted.

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