Gut Rumbles

December 28, 2003

how to keep deer out of the garden

In response to this blogger I'm going to repeat something that I believe I wrote about before, but I'm too lazy to check the archives and find the post. The first time the deer raided my garden, I was pissed. They broke all my melons, ate the guts out of them, chewed up my cucumbers and devastated my tomatoes. They stomped all over everything else.

I was ready to buy an electric fence until I talked to an old farmer down the road. He told me to build a couple of scarecrows, stick them in my garden and piss on them every day. Deer do not like the smell of human urine. If they get a whiff of it, they'll stay away.

I built two scarecrows. I stuffed a couple of old tee-shirts with hay and used a couple of pairs of blue jeans to make them. I hung them both on T-bars that I made from scrap lumber, and they looked pretty good to me. Quinton helped me do the work, and when we had the scarecrows posted, I told him, "There's one more thing we have to do to get it right."

"What's that Daddy?"

"We have to go pee on both of them to keep the deer away."

You know what I really like about boys? You tell them to go pee on something and they LIKE doing that. We peed all over both scarecrows, just me and my son, with wangers in the wind. That was a good day.

I had to move the scarecrows about once every week, but they damn sure worked to keep the deer away. Quinton told all of his friends about peeing on the scarecrows, and I can remember many a time that I saw six boys break up a game in the back yard, run to my garden and pee on my scarecrows.

They liked doing it, and it kept the deer out of the garden.


It's a good thing I releaved myself before reading this post or I would have peed all over myself and you could have planted me in your garden.

Posted by: Lexia on December 28, 2003 12:25 PM

"Wangers In The Wind".... Wasn't that an Elton John song?

Posted by: Ric on December 28, 2003 12:41 PM

I actually believe it was "Pissin' in the Wind" by Jerry Jeff Walker.

Posted by: Willy on December 28, 2003 02:12 PM

Thanks Rob I will try that.
Does dog pee work as well?

Posted by: starhawk on December 28, 2003 02:20 PM

Hehehe, the peeing tales remind me of a clueless jagoff that used to get invited to our deer lease every fall. (courtesy of being my uncle's best friend, otherwise I would have recommended he be weighted down with towchains and dropped in the stock tank)

Every year, Asshat would join us, and every year he would always seem to not ever see a deer. Then we'd get to listen to him whine all weekend.

On the 3rd year of this, I decided to discreetly investigate his hunting style, so I picked a so-so tree stand within view of his tripod stand, about 300 yards off.

Great White Hunter would huff & puff & squeeze himself into the tripod stand, weighted down with all manner of hunting gadgets & gewgaws, including two pairs of binocs, rangefinder, big ass Rambo-knife, camera, and a big honkin' thermos full of coffee.

Once it got light enough to see, I scoped his stand. (yes, poor etiquette & safety, but against my better judgement I kept my finger off the trigger)

Bwana Dumbass was standing up in the stand, pissing over the rail! He then settled back in, and lit up a cigar! He then, over the next three hours, peed off the rail two more times as he drank up the thermos of coffee. He also amused himself by
tapping his knife blade against the steel railing in a nice catchy rhythym.

I scared away any deer in my area code by explosive guffaws of laughter. The cigar & noise were bad enough, but to whiz in your hunt area just defies logic. Further investigation revealed dozens of cigarette butts scattered on the ground under the tripod.

Needless to say, turkey season didn't go any better... Wonder why?

Posted by: El Capitan on December 28, 2003 02:31 PM

Another way to do that is to pee into a milk jug and then go pour it around the perimiter of your yard everyday. It's a bit easier than building a scarecrow. Also that way, your neighbors won't think you've gone off the deep end, peeing on scarecrows! They'll just think you're watering your yard.

Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr on December 28, 2003 02:40 PM

wimmen can pee into a milk jug? Can I watch you do that? I'll even hold the jug.

Face facts. Boys are better at peeing outdoors than girls are. I didn't make those rules, Mother Nature did.

When the day comes that you can piss your name in the snow better that I CAN, I might listen to some of this femine horseshiit

Posted by: Acidman on December 28, 2003 02:59 PM

Careful, Rob. The Hildebeest might get Janet Reno to whip out his, um, her, ah, er....IT'S slick willie out and piss the communist manifeso in the snow.

Alas, that'd offend the tree huggers, I guess you're safe, after all?


Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on December 28, 2003 03:50 PM

I've been told that it only works if you eat meat, that vegetarian pee won't do it. Something in meat-eater urine says 'carnivore' to deer and keeps them away.

Posted by: Mark on December 28, 2003 05:15 PM

Thanks for the hint, Acidman.

Posted by: Daniel Day on December 28, 2003 05:47 PM

Something else that works wonders is hair.

We have a friend that goes to a barber and he saves a days worth of hair for her and she spreads it around the edge. Hasnever had a deer OR rabbit problem. ; )

Posted by: Symph on December 28, 2003 06:10 PM

Ooh, many thanks, my dear. I have two boys and a neighbor kid who will love the chance to pee on something and last year the damned deer broke down my garden fence to get at my strawberries. I'll have to see what we can do about that this year.

I'm not equipped to pee on scarecrows, but I knew I had strapping sons for a reason.

Posted by: Liberty on December 28, 2003 06:49 PM

I agree with what Lexia said about reading this post. Hilarious!

I love being a woman but I would love to be a man for a day. Geez, I probably wouldn't leave the house. *evil grin*

Have a Happy New Year, Rob.


Posted by: Cindi on December 29, 2003 12:51 AM

That works. Of course, my late grandfather had a solution too. Came in the gauge of 12.

Arkansas has a law that basically gives you the right to shoot any deer that are disturbing your garden / crops. My granddaddy took shameless advantage of that law to eat venison all year round. I suspect that planting the garden about 20 feet from the front door, where he could cover them from his rocking chair just inside the door (while hooked up to his oxygen tank, yet!), was probably slightly dirty pool.

Damn, if I age half that well, I'll die a happy man.

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