December 20, 2003
Every time I think that I have Jennifer figured out, she throws me another curve ball. She brought Quinton to my house on Friday evening an hour earlier than I expected her to arrive. Usually, she drops Quinton off in my driveway with his gear for the weekend, and she simply splits, without a word exchanged between us.
Quinton didn't go to basketball practice that evening because he has a cold (it doesn't appear to be very bad to me). Jennifer came to the door to deliver Quinton's medicine in case he needed it this weekend (he hasn't). She also offered me a bowl of banana bread and pound cake that she baked for the holidays.
Why did she do that?
I wouldn't take it from HER. Quinton grabbed the bread bowl and put it on the coffee table. "You'll really like the banana bread," he said. "Mama says that it's one of your favorites."
Yes, I love banana bread and I'm the one who bought Jennifer the bread-maker several years ago for a Christmas present. We baked a lot of exotic breads back on the mini-farm. I once loved the way the kitchen smelled with home-made bread baking.
I won't take a bite of what she brought. I'm allowing the boys to eat every bit of it, and what they don't eat, I'll feed to my goddam dog. I don't know why she brought that shit over here in the first place. She won't even talk to me anymore.
I won't tell Quinton why I refuse to eat the bread (it's probably very good), but it's a matter of principle to me. I don't want a damn thing that woman has to offer.
I've eaten enough shit that she baked special for me.
Keep a close eye on Quinton and Jack. If they start puking and shit like that you'll know she tried to poison your ass. Or maybe she baked in some reefer she got from her low-life fuck buddy.
Bottom line is you did the right thing.
Be sure to take the left-overs and Jack and Quinton to the Emergency Room. Call the cops, too.
Will you have Quinton while he out of school on vacation?
I did something tonight that was very out of my character. Right after my divorce 5 years ago I had a romance with this man that really did me dirty. It took me a year to get over it. I was bitter for a long time until I realized that I could do much better. For the strangest reason today I called and left a message on his phone that I had something I wanted to get off my mind.I hadn't seen him in 5 years. As we talked I realized his voice bugged me when I use to think it was wonderful.Every Christmas I think of him because he bought me this beautiful blue velour pant suit that I like to wear at Christmastime. It was the last gift I've received from a lover.My timing has never been right around Christmas time. LOL He called back and we talked for a long time. I told him that I had forgiven him for the pain he caused me and now look upon it as a experience I'm glad I had and know that he wasn't the right person for me. He was grateful because he had always felt bad about how he had to break up with me. It was fun hearing that he had just spent the last year and half emailing this lady in Cocoa Beach , Florida and just recently at Thanksgiving flew to see her for the first time. He got down on his knees and proposed to her right there in the airport with everyone cheering with an emerald and they are getting married in January. As I listened to his story I was happy for him and told him that an emerald is the stone I would have wanted.When we hung up I felt great and even tho I'll be spending Christmas alone(maybe my sons will drop by) I still have hope that when I get engaged it will be a storybook happening like that one. I hope it works out. It will probably be someone I meet through the internet.I'm fond of banana bread.
She is just totally still in love with you and wants you back ... she realizes she can't live without you because you are soooo wonderful. Now isn't that the only thing you actually want to hear? Why else post this - if not to get that sympathy and reassurance.
Lexia sorta beat me to the punch ... obliquely ... with her personal story. Let me put it to ya directly, my man.
It sounds like you and Jennifer have major unfinished business. It certainly seems unfinished in yer own head ... you have repeatedly claimed that you still love her, for example ... and I'll wager there are unconsummated thoughts rattling around her skull as well. Perhaps (probably) not the same thoughts as yern, but emotionally-loaded thoughts nonetheless.
You guys really oughta have a talk. If only to blow out yer respective jets. You go outa yer way to demonize her, but I don't buy it. She's not bloodless, and yer no fool. You ain't now, and you weren't when you fell for her.
She has her reasons for her behavior, and you know perfectly well what some of them are. Clear the air, man, for the sake of all three of you.
Jennifer is on a power trip and is messing with you that is all. If you have managed to pull away even more lately and she can feel it maybe you are becoming an interesting game again. I said if you ever did Jennifer would start chasing you again. Or Jennifer has no one else to manipulate at this moment no other man to jerk around and so you will do for some fun in the meantime until the next one comes along. Did you ever write to Dora and catch up with her?
Looky here, dude. The only way you'll ever shake off that demon is to face her and tell her the whole truth. Including ... especially ... anything you might feel responsible for.
I'm not for a nanosecond suggesting you make up with her ... though that's not utterly inconceivable to me ... just that you cleanse your soul and give her a chance to cleanse hers.
LIke I said, you were no fool when you fell for her. And she's no evil genius at f**king with your mind. I'll wager she once cared about you every bit as much as you cared about her. How that changed ... if, indeed, it did ... is a narrative worth hearing. Maybe even writing about.
Damn, I'd love to hear her side of the story!
I would, too, Tonto. Because I never did.
I'm within a year or so of Acidman's age and ain't never been married. Having read and heard lots of marriage/divorce horror stories, I think maybe it ain't so bad to be a grumpy old bachelor. One wonders which organs are in charge, sometimes, in some people, the brains or the gonads. That last sentence may be unjust to some folks, sorry. People vary, and some are hornier than others. Sorry, Acidman, you went where your uh, parts, led you, and there you are. Well, unlike SOME people, I can get by from one week to the next without getting laid. And no, I don't do it with boys; I like women just fine except for the part between the ears; at my age the juices no longer flow strongly enough for the sexual attraction to overcome the mental antipathy.
Is it possible her brain works more-or-less the same as yours? Give that at least a moment's thought.
If I were you (easy for some asshole across the country to say), I'd thank her for the bread and describe your reaction to it.
What's to lose?
A-man, i've only been reading Blogs for about a week now(i'm fuckin' addicted)already, but from what I gather , your ex did ya wrong as rain...and shit on your ego and betrayed ya'....well............FUCK HER!!!! I wouldn't eat that shit either!
Okay, here's my female point of view based on your description (admittedly biased):
1. She screwed up big-time and she knows it. She is making overtures. And she's probably all sentimental because it's Christmas.
2. You are in danger of escaping her orbit. Just because she tossed ya away doesn't give you the right to get all independent. She doesn't really want you, but doesn't want anybody else to have you either. And she 's probably all sentimental because it's Christmas.
3. She wants to have a civil relationship with you because of Quinton. Y'all going to be connected FOR LIFE because of that boy. She wants you to move on and be happy. And she's probably all sentimental because of Christmas.
4. She'd just loooove to help you spent that lump of cash you got. And she figures you're all sentimental because it's Christmas.
If you listen to any advice, I'd say listen to Tonto. Except if you feed the stuff to the dog, don't tell her that. There's such a thing as too much damn honesty.
I'm not comparing apples to crackers, but for what it's worth...
My ex, in a cruel twist of fate, ends up working in the same place as I. Our tale isn't as poisonous as yours, but she ended updoing the horizontal hula with a mutual friend which ended our marriage.
We were chatting politely a while back and she looks at me and says (regarding our past marriage) "I really fucked up a good thing there, didn't I?" I was too stunned to even reply - just smiled and walked away.
Yes, I forgive her. No, I don't want her back. Yes, I'm far better off without her now that I have seen her dark side.
Maybe she's trying to nudge the relationship toward a level of civil tolerance for the sake of your son. Kids love *both* parents, and often internalize a lot of confusion over things they observe but don't understand. Overt nastiness between two loved ones in a divorce hurts the child much more than the adults.
Tonto speaks wisely.
You may not have heard her side of the story...because she may not have been able to get you to listen. There are always two sides to a situation, and rarely is one party completely at fault. The trouble is, we wear blinders that keep us from seeing what's happening right in front of us until it's too late.
I have to admit that I am uncomfortable many times when I read your posts about your ex. If my ex were to tell you his side of the story, I'd be the "bc" - circumstances weren't the same, but the end result was - in his eyes, at least. But he is the type who cannot admit fault and who spends an inordinate amount of time placing blame and letting his anger fester. We can't talk, at all. His bitterness and spite permeate his every thought and action, and he will never ever be able to understand the 'why' of it all - because in his mind, everything was fine.
Well, it wasn't. And attempts at counseling failed. The only thing that kept me there for over twenty years was the fact that I was a 'fixer'; I soothed over every problem with the kids and explained away his abusive remarks and behaviors. And I believed him each time he told me what was wrong with me.
I still get knots in my stomach when I have to talk to him for anything - there's still some of that ability to make me feel worthless. But after all this time, every time I drive home and turn the corner and his truck's not there....knowing he is gone....it makes me feel like a huge weight is lifted and the sense of relief is palpable..
Divorce is hard. I can't imagine the couples who can part amicably. The stress has been awful but I know I did the right thing - for me. I hope my ex finds someone some day, but in a way I feel sorry for whoever it will be - because it will be someone who is not a whole person and who is submissive and insecure....who mistakes control for love.
I'd rather have respect .
We're none of us perfect, Rob. Even if you don't agree with the reasons she has for what she did, it might be helpful to hear them and find out why she interpreted your behavior as such that it caused her to look elsewhere. I can understand not wanting to go there. But holding onto all of the hate and anger and pain will eat you up. At some point, you will have to admit that you are stuck and need to find a way to get past this. Friends are good to talk to, but it takes more than that....you need someone who can be completely objective and who won't automatically agree with you.
If you value truth as much as I think you do, you know in your heart that there is some sense in what I'm saying.
Think about it.
You're never to know what the hell she's up to if you can't do a better job of playing along.
take it from someone who knows... being on civil terms is MUCH better for your boy.
My daughter's mother and I don't even speak a civil word at the moment and litigation is ongoing.... the only one suffering is Ashley. My BC even goes as far as inciting Ashley into tantrums against me...
get on and stay on civil terms. Not at the expense of your part of the puzzle (don't "go along to get along" - I did that for far too long and the result is the ongoing litigation). Yes, I'm many years younger than you, but I DO feel your pain man.... trust me... life is an ongoing battle right now and like I said previously, the only one really suffering is Ashley.
But I wouldn't have eaten the bread, either.
I would agree with Jim. I would not have eaten the bread but you need to be on civil terms with her.
You might consider a Christmas present. I wouldn't buy her anything that cost a lot but just some small thing.
If nothing else it will put her off balance.
Also consider she might at some point read your site. It might be a long shot but it is public.
You're not in her world daily anymore. She doesn't know where you are or what you're doing. She's losing her grip and is trying to find a toehold in your life again. NOW you're in control of the game. Play wisely.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.