Gut Rumbles

November 19, 2003

get some sand in my shoes...

I'm going down to Florida tomorrow. The stormy conditions have moved out of the area and Thursday should be a pretty day. I'm looking forward to a nice visit, but I'll tell you the truth. I don't like Florida for three important reasons.

1) The place has the worst fucking drivers in the universe.

2) Florida is FULL of transplanted yankees.

3) Cigarettes are outrageously expensive and those transplanted yankee assholes who can't drive worth a shit don't want you smoking ANYWHERE.

Other than those three things... Florida still sucks, except for Key West.


So....why are you going??

Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr on November 19, 2003 08:33 PM

oh, i dunno. I've only been to FL once... and i WILL agree about the maniac drivers, but i was in St. Augustine and that was a pretty damn cool place.

My mom spent several years of her youth in Miami and Key Biscayne.

Posted by: pril on November 19, 2003 09:07 PM

Gotta remonstrate on the drivers, unless you consider actually doing the speed limit bad driving. I go to Savannah and it's a freaking lockdown in traffic. They must be rubbernecking at the pretty green lights. As for the cigarettes, no state income tax here. They fund things here on the backs of the out-of-towners, the way God meant it.

Posted by: Velociman on November 19, 2003 09:15 PM

I hope that I'm going to Florida to get laid by a woman with red toenails.

If that doesn't happen, I'll eat a nice dinner anyway.

Posted by: Acidman on November 19, 2003 09:31 PM


Posted by: sugarmama on November 19, 2003 10:23 PM

Those sand fleas are bitchen.
May you give her many orgasms

Posted by: Lexia on November 19, 2003 10:51 PM

Acidman, I have red toenails, now. And I live closer to you than Tampa.

Posted by: Lady Mae on November 19, 2003 11:24 PM

Yep, whenever old yankees go blind, they drive on down to Florida. One little ol' blue haired lady decided to merge onto I-95 and cut clean across 5 lanes of traffic, ending up in the far left hand lane apparently without checking AT ALL, because there were people in all those lanes of traffic at the time, doin' about 75 mph. It was a sight to behold, all those people dodging that little ol' lady in the big ol' car (I was one of them, tryin' to make my pickup truck fit double into another lane of traffic that was already occupied). Somehow or other, nobody got hurt or even bumped, but it was close. Nobody even got upset enough to use sign language or honk their horn. Just another day dodgin' snowbirds....

Posted by: SwampWoman on November 19, 2003 11:28 PM



Seeing that you won't BE at the mini-farm on Friday..........

Please do leave the UPS driver ALTERNATE DELIVERY info on your front door.

The package containing the Wild Turkey and Cohiba Cigar (re: the "Ralphy" challenge), is due to arrive at your doorstep THIS Friday.

I've e-mailed you the UPS tracking number. You can call them to arrange delivery upon your return, or simply tape a note to your door instructing them to have one of your watchful neighbors accept the shipment.

And, do please enjoy the "bonuses" contained in said package, sir. Bummer you won't have 'em to enjoy on your trip south.

But, you can enjoy the libation n' cigars upon your return, reflecting warmly on sunlit beaches, moonlit dinners, and red toes by candlelight.

Enjoy thoroughly,

Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on November 19, 2003 11:39 PM

strike >mini-farm<

insert >crakerbox<

insert >abject, endless apologies, too<

Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on November 19, 2003 11:44 PM

If you want people who cannot drive for shit, are transplants from god knows where and who cannot afford the price of cig, try NYC. I will take Florida, any day of the week.

Posted by: Anna on November 20, 2003 07:24 AM

I was born in Miami when my dad was working for Eastern. Remember them, destroyed by unions?

Lived there most of my life; in Lakeland (30 mi E. of Tampa); North, near Live Oak; and for 14 years in Tampa. I've lived in a couple of coastal cities of California. Lived in Michigan and West Virginia. For the past four years I've been living in the North Western Metro area of Atlanta.
The wife and I moved here to be close to the nephews and neices.

But I can't wait to move back to Florida.

I miss the saltwater fishing, and snorkeling, the near constant warm weather. I miss my 75 gallon salt-water aquarium. I know the places to live to avoid the really bad traffic. But having lived in Southern Kaleefornyah and now near Metro Altanta (which comprises 13 counties) I will take Florida traffic every day and twice on Sunday.
I miss the "Shall-Issue" concealed carry permit. I miss the lack of an income tax.
I miss the conservative legislature that was smart enough to commission serious studies to find out that emission testing was a farce and eliminated it.

Do you know why Florida doesn't just drift away? Because Georgia sucks.

Posted by: Commander Will on November 20, 2003 07:49 AM

Thank you for comments on Florida and Tampa, in general. Regarding those elderly drivers, I try to remember that I'll be one, in the future.

From an almost native Floridian.

Posted by: Ms Anna on November 20, 2003 08:30 AM

I did my time in Florida thirty years ago, back when the US could call itself a free nation with a face but slightly curved. It wasn't my fault--I was a minor. The natural enviroment was stunning, but the human shockingly drunk.

I live in the Blue Ridge mountains now, where about one-fourth of the population of Florida spends its summers. Their timid and inconsiderate driving routinely disrupts the residents' attempts to get to work and produce. Every day I encounter them driving at a top speed of 35 mph, stomping on their brakes at every hint of a curve. I've suggested we post signs stating that centrifugal force will not kill them.

The local term for our visitors--whose business we nevertheless appreciate--is "floridiots."

Posted by: Brett on November 20, 2003 08:41 AM

And Anna, one of my nightmares is the huge Baby Boom generation at an average age of 75 insisting it can still drive.

Posted by: Brett on November 20, 2003 08:44 AM

Why is it that Southerners are so hostile to Northerners but the reverse is not true? Please don't pile on the crap about the Civil War, etc.

Just wondering....

Posted by: rudee on November 20, 2003 09:05 AM

Brett, We have the same problem here during the warm months when the snowbirds return. They cannot drive at all and I have lost count of the number of elderly drivers losing control of their vehicles, on the streets, highways and their own garage. I agree that they are the greatest generation but that does not give them the right to drive. In NYS, transportation (free of charge) is provided to elderly to get to and from doc appointments, stores, etc. I really wish more would use that.

Posted by: Anna on November 20, 2003 09:12 AM

Why are southerners so hostile to northerners but the reverse isn't true? That's a skewed thought. The news media is constantly (and inaccurately) portraying southerners as stupid, uneducated idiots.

Posted by: sugarmama on November 20, 2003 09:42 AM

Perhaps the answer to his question is in his name?

Posted by: Indigo on November 20, 2003 11:04 AM

After patting yourself on the back for your "witty" wordplay, keep in mind I have no dog in this fight (living in CA--please hold all predictable responses to that bit of info).

Based on my limited travel in the south and interaction with Southerners, I find them no more or less "genuinely" friendly than Northerners.

Sure, on the surface they couldn't be friendlier...but I've found many hidden knives behind those friendly smiles.

Of course, most of my interaction has been with "big city" Southerners (Atlanta, New Orleans, etc.)

Northeners can be brusque, it's true--but as often as not, there is something good behind the gruff exterior...

Now old people driving like lunatics--that's another story altogether (see latest South Park for more fun with that).

Posted by: rudee on November 20, 2003 11:36 AM

Rudee, if you act like an asshole, we'll treat you like an asshole Down South.

Read what you wrote again. Yeah... I see asshole tracks all over your comments.

Be civil and you'll be treated fine where I live. Be an asshole and we'll treat you like one.

Posted by: Acidman on November 20, 2003 12:30 PM

Ya might wanna bring a coat acid dude. It's cold down here right now. It dipped down to almost 70 last night in Vero...

Brett, obviously you have never had a Yankee call you an inbred redneck hillbilly before have you? Besides Yankees are just strange. They act funny. Kinda like cats.

Posted by: Dennis P. on November 20, 2003 12:55 PM

You're right about Key West. Best place on earth to chill out. As for the rest of Florida, I've read too many Travis McGee mysteries to feel truly comfortable along A1A.

Posted by: rivlax on November 20, 2003 01:42 PM

Dennis, it's "cold down here right now"? It always cracks me up when southerners think it's cold below 60 or 70 degrees. It is freaking cold here let me tell ya. About zero degrees last night, and a whopping 15 degrees right now. Sometimes I wonder if you guys could handle that type of cold for weeks and months.

Posted by: Alaska Kim on November 20, 2003 03:05 PM

HEY, Rivlax, I LIVE along A1A! (Hmmmm. Maybe that's what you meant.)

Nevermind. I'll just be out back digging another 6' deep flowerbed.

Posted by: SwampWoman on November 20, 2003 08:38 PM


If you don't think significant numbers of Northerners (and Midwesterners, and Westerners) aren't hostile to white Southerners, you haven't been paying attention. It's the last socially acceptable ethnic/geographic prejudice among the liberals or progressives or whatever the kleptocrats are calling themselves these days.

Posted by: Brett on November 21, 2003 12:16 AM

Sadly, Florida has become all of that BS. I moved from central FL up here to the Panhandle and I'll sure as hell never go back down south again. It's sad to think that it's just getting worse. Maybe one day this Florida native will get tired of all of the shit and move to Wyoming or Idaho.

Posted by: A_McGehee_in_FL on November 21, 2003 11:01 PM

Hi...Im just surfed in and want to say hello!
Regards George

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Posted by: autodirektversicherung on December 30, 2003 09:36 AM

Ethics is not necessarily the handmaiden of theology.

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