Gut Rumbles

November 03, 2003


I have really cosmic dreams that I recall vividly as soon as I wake up, but I forget them quickly thereafter. I once kept a notebook and pen by the bed so that I could write down some of the crap I dreamed. I quit doing that after a while because dreams make PERFECT SENSE when you're asleep, but they are pure gibberish when you are awake and sober.

After reading a few entries saying nothing but "ATTACK OF THE PISS-MONSTERS!" or "NEKKID HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!" I gave up that journal.

I don't trust my mind. It keeps working when I am asleep and that sumbitch scares me. My mind becomes BORED when I am asleep and it does things just to fuck with me. I know what I would do if I were my mind and I went to sleep on myself. I would fuck with me, too.

I truly believe that my mind is not like the ones most other people carry around. I go to Wal-Mart and just study people sometimes. I see big, fat wimmen in orange stretch-pants and my mind goes "BWHAHAHAHAHAAA!!" I would never do that, because I am a sensitive kinda guy.

But I KNOW why my mind does that. If I were a woman with an ass that needed a Wide Load DOT banner on the back, I wouldn't go to Wal-Mart and I damn sure wouldn't wear orange stretch-pants so that my ass resembled some kind of bloated, lumpy, oversized citrus fruit. Goddam! I would lose 100 pounds. Whatever happened to self-respect in this country? Look in the fucking mirror, you rolling tub of adipose! You think you look good? FINE!

Just don't let my mind see you. My mind conjures fat-jokes and stories about Monroe load-leveler shock-absorbers for the family car. My mind conjures images of Eddie Murphy as the Absent Minded Professor when they inflated him with helium or some other greenhouse gas to blow him up like a balloon.

My mind does not like Stupid Black Guys who wear baseball caps turned sideways, buy pants two sizes too large and pull boxer drawers up under their armpits while the waist of their pants drags around their knees. I, myself, as a civilized, politically-correct individual, can accept that sort of behavior as normal and even sensible.

But when I go to sleep at night, by mind calls BULLSHIT! on that crap. MY MIND says, "You dumbfuck! Do you think you'll EVER get a goddam job looking like that? You want out of the ghetto? You don't like the terrible, terrible N-word? Then stop acting like a goddam nigger, you fucking thug."

I never think that way myself, because I am indoctrinated to ignore such obvious examples of assholery. You can show me a white piece of paper and I'll call it any color you want it to be. I just want to make people happy. But when I am asleep, my mind does crazy things.

I have to sleep sometimes. I cannot control a mind that operates 24-7 when I don't. I believe that labor unions are a good thing. My mind sometimes says "FUCK LABOR UNIONS BEFORE THEY DESTROY THIS COUNTRY!!!" That happens in my sleep, when I have no control over what my mind is doing.

I believe that Bill Clinton was one of the greatest Presidents of all time. My mind sometimes goes off ranting about blow-jobs from fat interns in the Oval Office and how he never did diddly-shit except destroy the Democrat party and absolutely demean the highest office in the land, but that's just that crazy mind of mine. I don't believe any of what my mind tells me.

I just want to be led down the right path. Where is the "off" button for my mind?


You'll find the button at the bottom of a good bottle of scotch.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on November 3, 2003 09:27 PM

Close your eyes and let your MIND imagine me singing this to you.... and I'll imagine you strumming it on your guitar.....and perhaps singing along..........Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have and maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have If I made you feel second best I'm sorry I was blind You were always on my mind, you were always on my mind. And maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely lonely times And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine Little things I should have said and done I just never took the time Youe were always on my mind, you were always on my mind Tell me tell me that your sweet love hasn't died Give me give me one more chance to keep you satisfied I'll keep you satisfied You were always on my mind You were always on my mind,
We'd do a better job than Willie or Dolly

Posted by: Lexia on November 3, 2003 09:48 PM

Acidman, has your past (Lexia) come back to "haunt" you? Or tease you into a first meeting? First meetings can be a bitch, including the first time between the sheets.

Try thinking of those crazy dreams as "post traumatic stress." Your subconcious is probably manifesting the stress in your conscious life.

No, please say no. You can't believe that Clinton was the greatest President. While on a weekend vacation, Great President's aren't missing for two hours while the military is waiting for a GO to bomb the hell out of Bin Laden. Where was he when he was finally found two hours later, too late for the GO? Watching a golf tournament on TV. Or at least that was what he was doing after the first hour, 59 minutes. That miliarty football which is suppose to be within reach, couldn't find him to pass on the news that a verified position of Bin Laden had been pinpointed for bombing.

A great President doesn't rant and rave, pounding on the Oval office desk, that if the attacks in Bosnia aren't stopped that the U.S. will step in. How many times was he seen on TV pounding on his desk, issuing threats that he never carried through? I lost count after five. It took the other countries of NATO to put the pressure on for action.

President George W. Bush just told the terrorist that they would soon be hearing from the U.S.A. And, they did.

Posted by: Ms Anna on November 4, 2003 07:55 AM

If you find the off button, tell me where it is. I need to use mind too

But it ain't at the bottom of a bottle of scotch. That might turn off the brain, but it don't turn off the mind. Mind keeps running, making fucked up dreams. Trust me.

Posted by: shell on November 4, 2003 10:18 AM

...very creative, let the alter-ego take the fall.
Rob, rejoice in the fact that you're a thinker; if you're not a thinker, you're a follower.

Posted by: Angie on November 4, 2003 11:33 AM


"Nekkid High School Reunion?" ROTFLMAO! Where DO you get this stuff! Wherever it is, keep bringing it back and laying it out here. Good laughs are hard to come by!

Posted by: Dan McWiggins on November 6, 2003 12:49 PM
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