Gut Rumbles

September 28, 2003


Why does almost every new site I visit have a picture of fucking cat on it? What is it with you people and cats? I fucking HATE cats! Get a goddam DOG, for crying out loud.

Bejus! Let me tell you the difference between cats and dogs.

*Cats are expected to shit and piss in the house. The fact that they do it in a box does not make their shit and piss smell any better. Dogs go outside.

*Dogs come to you when you call them. If cats had fingers, they'd shoot you the bird when you called them. Ungrateful fucks.

*Cats "clean" themselves by licking all over their bodies with a sandpaper tongue. Then, they hack up hairballs on the living room rug. Dogs just like to stay dirty and lick their nuts. If they want to vomit, they'll go eat some grass first, then throw up OUTSIDE.

* A dog loves you unconditionally. A cat tolerates your ass.

* I never woke up in the middle of the night with a dog sitting on my chest with evil in its eyes. Cats do that, while plotting to steal your breath or cut your throat while you sleep.

* Cats don't like to ride in the truck with their heads stuck out the passenger window so that they can enjoy a 60 MPH breeze in the face while leaving slobber-trails all over the place from an extended tongue. I like animals who do that. Cats just get pissed off when you put them in a truck.

* Dogs chew on things when they are puppies. They outgrow that destructive phase. Cats claw expensive shit as long as they live.

* You can have a waterbed and allow a dog to sleep on it with you. A cat will destroy that fucker.

* A dog never notices that you have potted plants in the house. A cat climbs them, claws them and pisses on them.

* Cat-piss smells worse than dog-piss does.

* You'll never have to call for help to get your stranded dog out of a tree. This is no shit. My son's dumbass cat climbed a tree and couldn't get down. It was stuck in the high branches and a hawk started circling above it. The BC called the fire department (I am NOT making this up) and they told her that they didn't rescue stupid cats anymore. The cat spent the night in the tree while meowing its ass off all night long. I went out the next morning, waited until the shitwit climbed out on a tiny limb and then I shot the limb out from under it with my .22 rifle. The cat tumbled about 40 feet through leaves and branches, then hit the ground on its feet. It gave me a look that said, "I MEANT to do that."

I should have shot the cat.


We have a dog (mine) and 2 cats (hers) and I agree with every single word you've written. Especially when you said, "I should have shot the cat!"

Posted by: BJK on September 28, 2003 08:57 AM

I promise my site will NEVER have a cat on it...vampires and other creepy stuff but no cats. Er, well unless its a creepy black cat!

I prefer dogs to cats too...heck most of the time I prefer my dogs to men too...but there's always an exception to that too.

Posted by: Chaos on September 28, 2003 09:45 AM

The major difference between a Dog and a Cat:

The dog looks at you and thinks, "You feed me, shelter me, take care of me, and love me. You must be God."

The cat looks at you and thinks, "You feed me, shelter me, take care of me, and love me. I must be God."

Fucking cats should be on the endangered species list, and will some day if I ever have anything to do with it.

Posted by: Roy AlderseBaes on September 28, 2003 09:54 AM

With all these recent posts about the feline persuasion, I'm starting to think that, much like those crew-cut Holy Rollers who rail against ho-mo-SEXuals, you are a closet CAT-LOVER! Say it ain't so, Mr. A.

Wondering in Sydney.

Posted by: CLG on September 28, 2003 10:11 AM

I'm a DAWG guy, CLG, and I always will be.

I fucking HATE cats.

Posted by: Acidman on September 28, 2003 10:14 AM

My scary cat story:
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my tiny little kitten poised over me, with one teeny claw plucking at my jugular vein.
No! They're not precious.

Posted by: Ruby on September 28, 2003 10:26 AM

That *kiss my ass* additude is why I love my cat.. But she is why I don't have any wicker furniture, or a chenille bedspread.
But consider this re: a cat in a tree, it will find its way down eventually. Did anyone ever see a cat's skeleton in a tree?
Oh,oh, she is giving me the *eye* even as I write this.

Posted by: Jaydee on September 28, 2003 10:33 AM

A dog will die defending you and your property. Cats don't give a fuck.

Posted by: DaneBramage on September 28, 2003 10:49 AM

Tell it to a lion sometime. ;)

Posted by: Mr. Lion on September 28, 2003 03:14 PM

Actually I think the picture rotates as it pulls a random one from my gallery. Either that or it was the Pet Adopt widget.

Either way, I like both cats and dogs. Not to mention I have two large iguanas and two geckos (and a wife ;) ).

My wife had two dogs, one of which used to be mine, but her mother has them now. We aren't cruel enough to believe dogs and apartments mix. Even with small dogs, there just isn't enough room. I grew up with Massive dogs, like mastiffs and German shepards and I can't even think of trying to keep those in our 2 BR apartment.

Anyway, thanks for the link..;)

Posted by: Doc on September 28, 2003 04:00 PM

Hey Acidman, did you see Jeff Soyer's lovely post for Roscoe yet?

Posted by: Jay Solo on September 28, 2003 04:14 PM

I once had a dog that would scratch at the door to come inside to vomit.

And it ate indoor plants too.

You don't find a cat eating dog turds either.

I have a cat that spent 72 hours in a three story tree once. Funniest thing you ever saw was that cat shinnied out on the end of the limb to find a place to piss.

Posted by: Robin Roberts on September 28, 2003 08:35 PM

Watch out for kitties that go for the jugular. You might die.

Now, re Jeff's pussies, paint their toenails red and bet Acidman will fall for those lovelies.

Posted by: mog on September 28, 2003 08:52 PM

Today I acquired a second dog; a cocker-poo. She joins the menagerie of 3 Persian cats and a Rottweiler. I love them all. Like people, they each have a special personality to share. I'd be remiss to the cats, however, if I didn't point out that most negative opinions of cats are erroneous, and in many cases, passed down B.S. Old Wives' Tales perpetuated by the uninformed. My zoo is totally in-house and I have experienced none of the complaints listed here. And BTW - to those who speak from inexperience, neutered cats' pee has less odor than a baby diaper.

Posted by: Indigo on September 28, 2003 08:54 PM

Cat shit smells like someone died and has been rotting for three or four days in 100 degree heat. And cat puke... ugh. Why do cats puke so much? Why the hell would you want a pet that pukes all the time?

Cats won't be endangered species anytime soon. Go to any big city and you will find a huge feral cat population. They reproduce like rabbits. It's very sad. I admire cat owners who spay/neuter their pets and prevent that from happening.

Posted by: sugarmama on September 29, 2003 09:40 AM

Acidman, you should at least like cats just because they give you the basis for liking dogs MORE. It's ALL perspective!

Posted by: MaryAnn on September 29, 2003 01:29 PM

Sugarmama is exactly right. Sort of. My cats are inside "pets". They don't go outside to eat anything that will cause them to vomit. Their diet is Science Diet, ph balanced for practically odorless litter boxes. And of course, they're neutered. IOW, there are "cats" and then there are "cats". The outside uncared for ones are sad, indeed, and also public nuisances. But so also are abandoned dog populations.

And until I blog about it, "That's all I'm going to say about that!" ;-)

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Only when we have nothing to say do we say anything at all.

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