Gut Rumbles

September 20, 2003

dirty words

You know what I believe are the two most disgusting words I ever heard? You probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

The most disgusting word I ever heard: "VAGINA"

"Vagina" should either be the name of a state that grows a lot of tobacco, or the word should be banned from the English language. It's a six-letter word with three syllables in it. That's just wrong in and of itself. Plus, it is a dirty word that describes something delightful.

When I am King, all "vaginas" will be called "pussies" forevermore.

Think about it. Would you rather pet a "vagina," where the word itself makes you want to keep close track of the fingers on your hand lest they be lopped off by some Latin word with teeth, or would you prefer to pet a "pussy," which is all warm and fuzzy? I call this one a no-brainer.

The other most disgusting word in the English language is: Penis

Just roll "penis" around in your mouth for a minute (especially you wimmen!) and feel how uncomfortable that word really is. Rolling a REAL one around in your mouth is not bad at all, or so I've been told, but that word just... well, sucks.

Try "crank," "Roscoe," "cock," "tube steak," "the one-eyed warrior" or ANYTHING ELSE. No matter what you call it, it's better than "penis," which sounds like the name of a boy from Arkansas who pissed his pants a lot when he was in your third-grade class.

I am becoming obsessed with this alphabet thing. Why are "ointment" and "hemorhoid" perfectly acceptable words, when "pussy" is not? Which one would YOU rather lay your hand on? Which one would you rather lay your FACE on?

Give me pussy over ointment and hemorhoids any day. And keep that penis away from me.



Now Shell will come along and tell you you've never petted a vagina, but you've petted your share of vulvas. Heh.

I guess it's like the difference between rock climbing and spelunking. Or something.

Posted by: Jay Solo on September 20, 2003 10:40 AM

Now we've got that settled, what's next ??

Posted by: MommaBear on September 20, 2003 11:17 AM

Hell, even "Dick" is better than penis. Penis is so damned clinical. If I want clinical, I'll go in for a pap smear. Clinical is just about as satisfying as that annual session of show and tell.

And you know what, I don't like being called "Honey" during sex, either. That's fine for petting or the other prelininaries, but when it's down to the wire and and the fuses are burning, and the time is drawing short for that explosion, Honey is just too pretty and sissy-fied for what is happening. I refuse to call a man Honey at that point, and I wont be called Honey, either. Or Sweetie, or Darling, or any other endearment. Those are for that sweaty embrace afterward, when the adrenalin wears off and things quiet down. Save them for that.

There, lesson over. Not that You needed any lessons, but you may have trolls who have no more clue about that than they have shown over anything else they've read in here....

Posted by: Mamamontezz on September 20, 2003 12:21 PM

Hope you don't mind the picture. Couldn't resist. I just wish that I looked like that anywhere but in my mind's eye.

Of course, as long as a woman sees herself this way, she's more likely to act that way and that's what counts.

Posted by: mamamontezz on September 20, 2003 12:24 PM

Vaginas can be petted too... feels quite nice, actually. *g*

But you're right, as a word, it bites. (which isn't advised, unless you know she's into rough play)

Penis isn't as bad as vagina, but I like pussy and cock much better. Actually, I like cunt better than pussy. Some women think it's a degrading word. I think it's delightful. A pussy is sweet and warm and loving. A cunt is hungry for your cock and doesn't mind being bitten. You make love to a pussy, but you fuck a cunt.

Not that I'm opposed to making love. It's wonderful. I just like fucking a whole lot more.

Posted by: shell on September 20, 2003 01:08 PM

...or would you prefer to pet a "pussy," which is all warm and fuzzy?

And here I thought you didn't like cats... ;)

Posted by: Mr. Lion on September 20, 2003 01:53 PM

Talk about harsh words for fun activities...
Don't forget the best/worst one...f*ck. There are much better things to call that particular pursuit. I think 'bumping uglies" is much more artistic...and funny. "Dancing in the Sheets" has a certain rock-n-roll flavor to it, too. There are so many more, much better ways to put it....

Posted by: Stevie on September 20, 2003 02:55 PM

Speaking of vulvas...(somebody was)-
The dairy farmer I used to work for never could get that word right. He'd leave notes in the cow's medical records such as : "Volvo swollen." To which I replied: "Sounds like a job for a mechanic, not the vet."
Or: "Having problems with her volvo." My reply? "She shoulda bought a Mercedes. German engineering is excellent, ya know."

He was cute, but such a goof.

Posted by: Stevie on September 20, 2003 02:59 PM

I agree with you, the V word is horrible. But I think penis is a nice word, almost humorous. It usually inspires giggles, for me.

Posted by: sugarmama on September 20, 2003 03:40 PM

*L* You've covered a lot of body parts today...
I have *pet* names for everything.
Willy for guys, winky for girls,
I got the word willy off an Irish movie....
Now that you have all this useful info I'll say bye for now. :)

Posted by: Trease on September 20, 2003 04:48 PM

LOL. Great post.

BTW, I think the phrase "bumping uglies" is, well, UGLY. If ya think those parts are ugly, ya got issues.

Posted by: dragonfly jenny on September 20, 2003 05:00 PM

I discussed this very thing here:

Can't we just settle on "gash"?

Posted by: Velociman on September 20, 2003 06:03 PM

off topic but...

I just finished watching your Dawgs and I have to say, they looked like a top ranked team. Almost good enough to play the Buckeyes. Unfortunately however, LSU rocked their world.

Posted by: Marcl on September 20, 2003 06:22 PM

"Vagina" means "sheath", so it's quite appropriate, but yeah, it sounds terrible.

I prefer "poontang" myself.

And as for "pussy over ointment and hemorhoids "... I think I had something like that at a French restaurant not long ago.

But my French isn't that good anymore, so maybe I mis-read the menu.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on September 20, 2003 06:24 PM

In L.A (Lower Alabama) we often refer to the female part as a "cooter" (usually called that only during times of great intimacy)

Posted by: Chris on September 20, 2003 06:39 PM

Oddly enough, I share Kim's enjoyment of the term 'poontang'. (Even though I know it's not generally intended in anything vaguely resembling a respectful manner.)

But I must admit the rest of his comment did not exactly sound appetizing.

Posted by: Kathy K on September 20, 2003 07:44 PM

As for alternatives for f**king; I prefer "compromising the hull."

Posted by: Tuning Spork on September 20, 2003 07:54 PM

This subject was discussed in the outstanding book "English as a Second Fucking Language" by Sterling Johnson. Amazon has some sample pages here. I bought like 6 copies of that book and everytime a friend picked it up I never saw it again. His argument went something like this:

The Romans called their member a "penis", and when in Rome, do as the Romans, but we're not in fucking Rome!!!

Posted by: Cedar Bristol on September 20, 2003 08:25 PM

And then you bitch about all the pussy photos I post just for you.

And Cedar, actually the Romans called their member a mentula (which interestingly enough is a feminine gender noun) and they called the female genitalia cunnus (which also interestingly enough is a masculine gender noun - go figger). See what you can learn by coming to Gutrumbles?

Posted by: Denny Wilson on September 20, 2003 10:34 PM

A friend of mine used to work in an LA area hospital filling out birth certificates. Tells me she had to work really hard one day persuading a new mother that the 'just beautiful' name she had proudly picked out for her new baby girl probably wasn't the most appropriate choice -- care to guess what the just beautiful name was? Uh huh -- Vagina. Seriously. I just can't understand why you gotta rag on California all the time -- shit, we obviously educated THIS one quite well! And this was long before the rest of the brain donors who've invaded my formerly beautiful state even thought about electing the gray man ( I SWEAR I never voted for him!!!) -- this was probably during Reagan's time, but it could've also been under dear Governor Moonbeam... I rest your case...

Posted by: Marianne on September 20, 2003 11:56 PM

I hate those words too but it's the word anus that gets me and I am surprised that no one has mentioned it already. Asshole is much more appropriate. :)

As for screwing -- let's go do "the nasty" baby.

Posted by: sonia on September 21, 2003 02:09 AM

Acidman, I am in complete agreement, to the 10th power even.

Posted by: Dave The Australian on September 21, 2003 03:34 AM

Ages ago in blog-years there was a big discussion of the origins of "cocksucker". Bill Quick was astounded to hear that in parts of the South this was another word for "one who performs cunnilingus."

So now there's two more words for you to opine about. For the one I'd propose "fellatrix" (which is feminine - if it's a man that's another can of worms). For the other I'd propose either "eating pussy" or "muff-diving".

Sonia - how about "bung" or "rosebud"? "Sphincter" is definitely out.

And Acidman, you're a musical kind of guy - how about "skin flute" or "meat whistle"?

Posted by: J Bowen on September 21, 2003 03:49 AM

Oh, I forgot all about "love muscle" as a substitue for penis. HEH!!!

Posted by: sonia on September 21, 2003 05:49 AM

Giant Purple Organ of Doom.

For those to whom it's not apt, it's at least a self-esteem enhancer.

Or so I'm told.

Posted by: McGehee on September 21, 2003 09:07 AM

"Taking the skin boat to tuna town."
--whatshisname (the guy who played the Penguin) in Grumpy Old Men.

Posted by: Tuning Spork on September 21, 2003 12:21 PM

Amen on "penis". I hate hate hate that word. It sounds like something that's 2", limp, pale, and clammy. UG! Use dick, pecker, cock, ANYTHING but the "p" word.

Posted by: Ruby on September 21, 2003 12:28 PM

Burgess Meredith laid down that "skin boat to tuna town" line and I laughed my Cracker ass off at it. He had another one about planting cucumbers, but I can't remember what it was now.

Posted by: Acidman on September 21, 2003 12:43 PM

I'm surprised your editors didn't correct to hemorRhoid.

Dripping slit evokes....

Baby calls hers "cootchie". She won't say the other c word except to dis an extreme bitch. Calls mine the big snake. Paraphrase....vagina by any other name would be just as sweet.

In old days, "I'm gonna suck your cunt till your eyeballs cave in." got more good action than slaps.

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