Gut Rumbles

July 24, 2003

i hate my fellow man

Today makes two days in a row that I have driven home in the rain. I am carefully supressing a homicidal case of Road Rage right now.

I piss and moan about Florida drivers being complete fuckwits (because they ARE) but we damn sure have our share in southeast Georgia. What makes everybody believe that they are DRIVING ON ICE when the roads get wet around here? People become so CAREFUL (No! Myrtle! Don't you DARE go faster than 25 miles an hour on the Eisenhower Expressway. Can't you see that the road is WET?)

It's not like these people drive worth a shit to begin with. Most of them should be dragged off and shot for never capturing the concept of turn signals and why it is UNSAFE to drive in the left lane slower than traffic in the right lane on the expressway. They perform that kind of blithering idiocy all the time and never think twice about it.

But you let it RAIN and the goddam morons become the most insanely safety-conscious drivers in the history of the planet. DON'T go over 25 miles per hour. STOP at every mud-puddle in the road. KEEP your brakes lights on constantly so that no one behind you knows when you're going to STOP in the middle of the road for no good reason. Safe, safe, safe.

No wonder I saw wrecks all over the place for the past two days. I don't drive SAFE. I drive WRECKLESSLY. And by that I mean NOT CAUSING WRECKS!

When I went to Charleston last weekend, I did something I've never done before in my truck. I buried the speedometer. It goes only to 100 MPH, but I've got 350 cubes under the hood and I know the Crackermobile will go a lot faster than that. Hell, I wasn't halfway to the floor with the gas pedal.

I was doing 85 in the right lane of Interstate 95 and people were blowing by me as if I were standing still. So, I got in the left lane and drove at their speed. I figured it would take a lot of cops to catch that many speeders and I went over 100 miles per hour for a while. I felt perfectly safe because I was going with the flow of traffic.

SPEED does not kill. Some asshole on cruise control who pulls into the left lane in front of us at 71 miles per hour to take a hour to pass the car going 70 miles per hour in front of him could have wrecked us all. Fortunately, there were enough of us going fast enough that no asshole had a chance to get in edgewise. I enjoyed that part of the trip.

I have NOT enjoyed my drive home from work the past two days. It reinforced a theory I've had for years. You take a naturally stupid person, put them behind the wheel of a car and they become MORE STUPID THAN EVER as soon as they crank the engine. That's a scientific fact, now proven beyond a shadow of a doubt BY ME, just watching it happen over and over again.

I want an Urban Assault Vehicle.


Just get a road rocket that'll do 150 in the rain safely, like I did. Makes poor weather driving fun.

Hell, I'll build you one.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on July 24, 2003 05:36 PM

I'd be willing to bet drivers in Dallas are even worse. Comedian Chuck Cason describes it best:

"So there I was pacing along on the entrance ramp, all I wanted to do was merge. Pretty simple right?

Well, I'm alongside this pickup truck *shrug* and I look over and motion to the driver 'In... can I get in, maybe squeeze in, possibly, maybe?'

What I'd get? Nothing. A cold stare with barely a blink of recognition.

So I manage to squeeze in behind the guy and I see this bumper sticker I have only seen here in Texas. You know the one, 'WWJD'

What's that stand for?

*audience - What Would Jesus Do?*

That's right, what would Jesus do. Well, I think Jesus probably would have let my ass merge into traffic."

And hey, doesn't it suck when you flip somebody off only to get stuck beside them at the stoplight?

Posted by: A.J. on July 24, 2003 05:45 PM

on getting stuck beside them at the light...

No way A.J., that just gives you the time to reload your weapon and their not a moving target anymore either!

Posted by: MarcL on July 24, 2003 07:36 PM

The speed differential problem is why the freeways in Fresno are so insanely dangerous. The speed limit for trucks is 55, everything else gets 65 or 70, depending on the stretch of road. Except here it's the trucker doing 57 going around the trucker governed down to a strict 55, and pulling into a lane of traffic moving 65-70 to do it. I have an interesting commute. Fucking California.

Posted by: Deb on July 24, 2003 08:06 PM

You're absolutely right about Florida drivers - the trick is to not live near many of them. Some people don't understand that the acceleration lane is there so that you can be driving 70 mph (the speed limit) when you merge, not 50. Man, even my 87 hp escort can get up to 70 in that distance, but it WILL NOT accelerate from 50 to 70 in 500 feet.

I was surprised as hell that they have constant green lights on northbound route 1 around Cocoa. In case you're unfamiliar, route 1 parallels the intercoastal waterway for a ways in this area so the right lane has a constant green light and the left lane has a regular stoplight when going north. It is a testament to the belief of intelligence in our drivers that this was implemented. Imagine your confusion, as a below-average driver, as you attempt to turn northbound and see that the crazy people in the far lane are not stopping...

Did that make sense?

Posted by: Ed on July 24, 2003 09:12 PM

"Most of them should be dragged off and shot for never capturing the concept of turn signals"

Don't ever come to Massachusetts, amigo.

Using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.

I once demolished a VW Golf in my Dodge Ram because he used his left signal to make a right turn.

Here's a tip: A 2,000 pound VW gets the ever lovin' snot pounded out of it by an 8,000 Dodge.

Broke my turn signal tho'...

Posted by: Guy Montag on July 24, 2003 11:04 PM

yeah...when I was in charleston in may, we drove I95 and I26 in the right lane, averaging 80, and everyone blew by us, even the state police.
But...if you want mindless moron drivers try Oregon. Doing the fucking speed limit is considered aggressive driving out here. These nitwits slow down approaching a GREEN light because, hey, it just might change and, well, you don't want to be aggressive and drive through the intersection on a yellow, would you?
And starting from a red light turned to green? Well, we better sit here a bit, you know, see if someone might not come along through the red, enjoy the sunlight, the birds, just sort of relax and watch the day go by.
My wife, having grown up in New Jersey, just outside NYC, leans on the horn to break them out of their reveries. She just about runs them off the road.
Me, I would just like a rack of sidewinder missiles on t he roof, so I could launch one up their fucking tailpipes.

Posted by: kevin on July 25, 2003 08:38 AM

The same "Oh no, I can't go over 45 when it's raining!" crap happens up here in Minnesota, despite the fact that most of the drivers here KNOW HOW TO DRIVE ON ICY ROADS (or at least fake it enough not to die in the winter).

Posted by: Steve Gigl on July 25, 2003 09:14 AM

I agree with AJ. Dallas has got the be the absolute worst when it comes to drivers. We get a lot of illegal immigrants here, so not only do they drive slow because they don't want to get pulled over for speeding, they don't know what the frigging road signs mean!

Thank god I came of driving age while living in Germany. It's probably saved my ass a time or two, considering I drive the ultimate midget-mobile, a Spitfire. Can you say "squashed like a bug".

Posted by: That Bitch on July 25, 2003 09:32 AM

"The same "Oh no, I can't go over 45 when it's raining!" crap happens up here in Minnesota, despite the fact that most of the drivers here KNOW HOW TO DRIVE ON ICY ROADS (or at least fake it enough not to die in the winter). "

We have the opposite problem here in Alabama. Heavy rain ATTRACTS people to the roads here. Clear skies, few cars. Tornadoes in the sky, everybody and his cousin is on the road.

Posted by: Victor on July 25, 2003 09:58 AM

Try Chicago. It's hell anyway. But it starts sprinkling, and I94 becomes a frickin' parking lot.


Posted by: Scott on July 25, 2003 09:58 AM

Sign in a Sarasota gas station:

Oil Change
Turn signal set to permanent left.

Posted by: Ernie G on July 25, 2003 10:46 AM

I hate to tell you this, but there is no such thing as a Florida driver. What we have in Florida are assholes from the Northeast with Florida plates. I live in Vero Beach and I can't tell you how many times I've been cut off or had to avoid some oblivious snowbird or vacationer with Florida plates on a car with bumper stickers or license plate frames betraying their Yankee origins. Please don't lump all of us down here in with the goddamn Yankees. What you are getting in Georgia is the annual snowbird migration back to the hell that Yankees call home.

Posted by: Dennis P. on July 25, 2003 01:52 PM

You think that's frustrating? Try driving here in Seattle where rain is not a stranger.

These fricken dolts get one day of sunshine (which they can't drive in either) and when it rains the next day, it's like they completely forgot what rain is. ARGH! Take the bus or train then you fricken idiots!

I don't drive much anymore. It's better for my sanity.

Posted by: serenity on July 25, 2003 02:06 PM

Kevin: What part of Oregon were you in?

I don't think I've ever driven the speed limit unless there was a photo radar in front of me or a cop behind me, and the going speed on I5 and I84 (outside the urban areas) is generally a good 10-20 over the (completely bullshit) 65 limit.

(Of course, that's not nearly as much fun as going 90 in the 75 zone in Idaho, and getting passed regularly.)

You wanna talk dangerous drivers, think Utah. Salt Lake's interstates can be frightening.

Posted by: Sigivald on July 25, 2003 05:50 PM

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.

Posted by: Rubin Beth on May 3, 2004 01:22 PM
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