Gut Rumbles

July 15, 2003

i did it

I went to work and gimped my way through the entire day. It wasn't easy, and I told both my boss and the people I boss that I would be available AT MY DESK most of this day. I was, too, in complete misery, uncomfortable sitting down, downright nauseated when I stood for long and damn near unable to climb stairs at all. I started to bail out and go home at noon today.

But I didn't. I discovered that the more I walked, the better I felt, as long as I kept popping Moutrin like pez candy. I wasn't striding with my usual gait, and I did attract some attention. A couple of people asked, "Rob, you don't look so good. What's the matter?"

I said, every time, "I just got a bionic dick implant and it hurts like hell. Want to hear all about it? Wanna SEE it?" Nobody wanted to hear all about it OR see it, so they left me alone after that. But I think my legend of being one rough cob spread because of the way I handled the situation. That legend is worth a lot more than actually BEING a rough cob, (even though I AM) so I accomplished a lot today.

I also did something politically incorrect in my office. I locked the door first, then hid behind by desk so that I could pull my pants down and just let my wounded privates BREATHE for a few minutes. That's when I saw the source of a lot of my misery.

That "We Are The World" nutsack the size of a huge toxic goiter and purple as an over-ripe fig is almost back to normal now. It looks like a genuine scrotum, except for a rapidly-healing, small-caliber bullet wound right between the two jewels. That part is starting to look okay.

ROSCOE is the problem! He's still multi-colored (mainly shades of blue, black and purple) but most of the hideous swelling from this weekend is gone now. Ice-packs are wonderful things and the power of positive thinking accomplished a lot for me last night. Roscoe is beginning to look like his old self except for one not-so-small problem.

I don't know if the doctor did this on purpose or if it is a natural part of the surgery, but I'm sporting a damn semi-boner all the time now. That fact actually intrigued me for a while today, because it's been so long since I've felt anything like what once was normal several times every day, but I'm tired of it now. The damn thing is causing me discomfort.

I am not circumsized. The semi-woody I am toting is just enough to make a bulge in my pants and keep my foreskin slightly retracted all the time. Roscoe is getting a constant Indian sunburn on his tender head with every step I take. Neither he nor I are accustomed to that kind of friction and it began to hurt by the end of the day.

I don't know what I am going to do about this problem. I'll have to think about a cap for his head.

But so far, so good. That's my bionic dick update for the day.


Find a nice piece of very fine silk to make a liner for the front of your shorts! If it is slick enough, your poor little roscoe should slide as thought your shorts are lubricated.

Posted by: MommaBear on July 15, 2003 05:03 PM

Meant to add it should be taffeta weave, if possible; that's the slickest.

Posted by: MommaBear on July 15, 2003 05:04 PM

I am beginning to feel like I have a very personal relationship to your private area.

I am not sure I am all together comfortable with the.

I sure hope you get better quickly and feel like yourself again soon, cause these kinds of post are starting to making me dizzy.

Posted by: Dawn on July 15, 2003 05:10 PM

Please ignore my above typos, my mind is still transfixed on the images you have described.

Posted by: Dawn on July 15, 2003 05:14 PM

You go on and pick out a yarn color and I'll knit you up a Roscoe Cozy.

Posted by: estella on July 15, 2003 05:16 PM

Awww! Poor baby!

Now call the doc!

Posted by: Da Goddess on July 15, 2003 05:45 PM

Might want to check with the doc to be sure your pump is fully deflated, fluid in the reservoir where it's supposed to be. It is possible that some got in your dick just from pressure, you did have a bit of swelling. Might be you only need to fiddle a little to get Roscoe back in his comfy hood.

Posted by: mog on July 15, 2003 06:29 PM

Well, I just asked Eric and George for ya. After I carefully explained the situation up to and including today's problem, their answer to this was "Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!!! as they grabbed their respective crotches and crab walked out of the room. I followed them, waiting for words of wisdom to pass on, but still haven't gotten any words at all yet. Just moans and pained expressions. I'll let ya know if they come up with anything....

Posted by: stevie on July 15, 2003 07:25 PM

For some reason the phrase "put a sock on it" past through my head.

Roscoe needs a hat. Try a sock.

Posted by: Mrs. du Toit on July 15, 2003 08:10 PM

I'm not sure if this will help or not but here goes. I had a nasty infected tooth once...absess, swelling, pain like what you're feeling now. Of course this happened on a Friday night with no dentist in sight for 2 days, so I went to the emergency room. I had been taking motrin up until that point but the doc said to try 2 tylenol with 2 ibuprofen. Worked like a charm! I don't know what it is about Motrin but it never cuts it for me for serious pain, but the tylenol and ibuprofen mix does it every time.

Posted by: Chablis on July 15, 2003 08:11 PM

Don't take that mix for more than 2 days, though, and drink twice as much water with it. That combination can cause liver problems if taken too long.

Posted by: MommaBear on July 15, 2003 08:39 PM

Duct Tape - The Handyman's Secret Weapon

Posted by: Buster on July 15, 2003 09:59 PM

Gauze, and a little medical tape. I had a similar problem, though the cause was different, and that's what I used.

Posted by: Sympathetic on July 16, 2003 12:55 AM
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