Gut Rumbles

June 29, 2003

catfish email on golf


The following is forwarded not to offend baseball, basketball, football or soccer fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?

These truisms may shed light:

+ Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

+ Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

+ Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

+ Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

+ Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.

+ Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

+ Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

+ Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

+ When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.

+ The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.

+ You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

+ You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.

+ In golf ! you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like he best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

+ Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

+ Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

+ Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

+ Golf doesn't have free agency.

+ In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

+ You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

+ At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

+ Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball! .

Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Now you know.


And of course, golf has that one delightful feature where a hole in one . . .

Is called an "ace"

Posted by: jb on June 29, 2003 07:14 AM

Should be required reading for football and baseball teams throughout the land - including and especially Milk'em Glazer.

Posted by: Marie on June 29, 2003 07:38 AM

golf is just plain boring. i'd rather watch grass grow.

Posted by: sugarmama on June 29, 2003 10:18 AM

The last bit is lovely, but I think it's an urban legend (then again, maybe that's right and this is an urban legend...) I read somewhere, probably one of John Feinstein's excellent books, that St. Andrews was originally 22 holes, but they tore up 4 to put in a clubhouse, and the rest is history.

But I like the other story better.

Posted by: Steve Sandvik on June 29, 2003 10:56 AM

Love the golf comments - I watch on Sundays when I am home, a very cool game.

About your nickname for your unfortunate apparatus - Roscoe - in my house we call him Caesar, as in "We come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

Good luck on the rebuild!


Posted by: SGT LOL on June 29, 2003 11:32 AM

Just one minor quibble. You'll be hard pressed to take a cooler into a tournament anymore. At the Memorial last year they wouldn't even let you bring the bag your folding chair comes in.

You wanna bring in beer or food? NFW! That's how the club makes its' money.

Everything else is spot on.

The best part about golf is you can play it until the day you die.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on June 29, 2003 06:58 PM

Barry Bonds can hit a baseball 500 feet. Tiger Woods cannot drive a golf ball 500 yards.

Posted by: Squirrel on June 29, 2003 09:14 PM

I used to watch the Rangers baseball team when I lived in Texas. They let you bring in a cooler with picnic lunch and soft drinks. Couldn't bring in alcohol, you had to buy the beer from them. But we'd pack lunch and softdrinks for the kids and it only cost $6.00 each to get in. That was only ten years ago. Cheaper than a movie and way more fun than golf.

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Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

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