Gut Rumbles

June 11, 2003


I went to my truck with the porch light on this morning. I never do that, but I wanted to see where I was going for a change. It was dark outside and I looked for snakes with every step.

I SAW snakes all day at work. WTF IS THAT!? Oh, a just a crooked stick on the ground. WTF IS THAT!? Oh, a piece of pump packing coiled in the weeds. Damn if they didn't look like snakes to me at first glance. I am fucked up from finding that rattler on the porch yesterday.

I don't do well around snakes. They trigger some kind of deep, primitive instinct buried in my medulla oblongata that says, "SNAKE!! KILL IT OR SELL THE HOUSE AND MOVE FAR AWAY!!!"

The only reason I went outside barefoot yesterday was to KILL THAT SUMBITCH BEFORE HE GOT AWAY! If I had farted around putting boots on and donning all sorts of combat gear only to approach my patio and find the snake GONE, I would never go out my back door again. I would never let Quinton play in those woods again. OR ever go out the back door.

So, I did what I did for a damn good reason. And I believe that I think calmly in a crisis, because the golf ball retriever was an excellent idea and worked like a charm to get the snake where I wanted it without ME ever having to come near it. I fucking HATE SNAKES, especially big, fat, ugly poisonous ones.

The shotgun did what it was supposed to do, too. (Yes, I DID drop the golf ball retriever before I shot.) I had .00 in it, and that's hell on a snake's head and a few inches of neck, too. He was moving, so I led him about 3" and ruined his entire day.

A dead rattlesnake stinks. I'm not saying that just because snakes freak me out. A dead rattlesnake really does STINK, like rotting garbage. They may be polite snakes, because they'll let you know where they are before they bite you, unlike copperheads and cottonmouths, but they suck just the same. I've got no use for ANY of them.

I've seen something resembling a snake everywhere I looked today. I am getting a severe case of the creeps. I keep checking my patio every 15 minutes, looking for snakes.

Bejus. I may never recover from this trauma.


I am with you on this. I just killed one a day or two ago. My subdivision does not like shooting so I offed it with a shovel. My wife was looking and wondering if it was poisonous of not. I didn't care as long as it was dead.
I have found that the deer netting I put up to protect the roses doesn't bother the deer one bit. It does however, after the deer knock it to the ground, work really well on traping snakes. I would tell you how many but everytime I think about it I want to move back to the city.

Posted by: Starhawk on June 11, 2003 05:40 PM

Six months ago I was minding my own business talking on the cordless, when I decided to go out the front door. Like you said, my mind was telling me the movement along the threshhold was a trail of ants, and I couldn't stop myself in mid step. After quickly SLAMMING the door, so the Coral/King couldn't get inside, I hacked his head to pieces. Good thing Corals are non-aggresive because of the panic I was in. Yes, it was the poisonous Coral.

Posted by: pw101 on June 11, 2003 06:23 PM

I agree with you on the snakes. If I am out where they live, I back off and go another way, but they are not allowed where I live. As soon as you kill one somebody will ask, was it poisonous? Yes! They all have heart attack venom.

Posted by: jay on June 11, 2003 06:39 PM

Corals usually can't bite people. Their mouths are too small. A rattler, copperhead or cottonmouth damn sure WILL bite you.

Watch out in the water, too. Anybody who tells you that a rattlesnake can't swim is full of shit. I don't know about copperheads, but I've SEEN 6' rattlesnakes swim the Savannah river against a 30 knot tidal flow. They cut through the water like a knife with their heads held high.

I don't want to talk about snakes anymore. Snakes give me the creeps.

Posted by: Acidman on June 11, 2003 06:43 PM

This is precisely what I go through after I've seen and killed a spider. "WTF is that?! It's a spider!" No, just a lintball on the carpet. WTF is that? It's a spider!" No, just a nail hole in the wall, (that's been there HOW long?) And don't get me started on my shirt hitting the back of my neck the wrong way, or my pet suddenly coming up to my hand and touching it with their head, or a loose hair falling onto my hand, or an itch....OMG IT'S A SPIDER!!!! Nope, it's just me being a dumbass.

Posted by: serenity on June 11, 2003 06:49 PM

I know what you mean. Central Alabama was a little north for the coral but we had everything else. It seemed like we killed snakes in the yard every year. A copperhead or rattler will let you find a way around him, a GD cottonmouth will come after you. You are correct again enough snakes.

Posted by: jay on June 11, 2003 06:50 PM

Yes, but I was six inches from this particular Coral!! Doesn't matter. It was a snake!

Posted by: pw101 on June 11, 2003 06:55 PM

Can you say "Karma"? I knew you could. ;-)

Posted by: Venomous Kate on June 11, 2003 07:04 PM

Damn, you got me laughing again. Don't forget to check your boots...ya never know what might be lurking there.

Posted by: Dawn on June 11, 2003 07:19 PM

Snakes? fuck em, the only good snake is a dead.snake.

The stories I could tell about snakes growing up on a farm in Texas. Hell, I could start a blog about snakes.......

Posted by: DavidB on June 11, 2003 08:16 PM

Oh good idea, a snake blog! *lol
I've got a chicken snake I have been trying to catch. The little devil is eating my hen's eggs she's been sitting on.
Then there's the cat, I used to have, that would bring me 'gifts'. Oh look precious, it's a baby copper head. And it's still alive! He did that a couple of times, leaving them wiggling on the kitchen floor.

Posted by: quark2 on June 11, 2003 09:58 PM

tGee, thanks for the snake blogging.........was up at my mom's for a few days transplanting lots of things to bring back with me....she had me working in one particular spot and when I was done, she said, good, now maybe that miserable snake that has been in there every day will find some other place to go.......I couldn't believe she had suckered me in like that cause I hate them as much as she does. Had nightmares then and now after reading all this, I may never go outside again!! My skin is crawling........

Posted by: loco on June 12, 2003 09:09 AM

Oh, come on. They're more afraid of you than you are of them. They're part of nature's plan. They were living there before humans. (Of course I live in a suburb of Chicago where there aren't any.)

Posted by: Nancy Beckmann on June 12, 2003 06:02 PM

It might not stink if you gut it and throw it on the grill in time.

Posted by: dragonfly jenny on June 13, 2003 01:05 PM
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