Gut Rumbles

June 08, 2003

Shoulda sent it

Production Report for 6/7/03

It appears that the ritual sacrifice I performed on that screaming monkey yesterday worked exactly the way the root-lady said it would. We had an excellent day, and we have no problems in the plant this morning.

I'm going home to kill a goat next. I was told that if I eat the heart while it's still beating, we'll be problem-free for a week. Does anybody at Corporate know how to remove bloodstains from beige carpet?

Also, will I violate the Code of Conduct if I have a contractor from the plant bring a back-hoe over to my house for free and help me dispose of the eviscerated animal carcasses piling up on my back patio? The flies are getting bad out there and the stench is horrid.

It really is company business, because I wouldn't be killing those animals if the root-lady didn't tell me that ritual sacrifice was necessary to make the plant run well. There is no charge for the knives, hatchets and sporks I used, because I owned them already. But I may need a new kitchen table because that monkey left claw-marks in mine last night.

I bought the goat cheap and used the Company credit card for that purchase, but the guy with the monkey accepted cash only, so I had to use my own money to buy it. Can you fax me the proper paperwork to file for a reimbursment?

I entered a purchase order this morning for a 2,000 pound water buffalo. Can you put that one on a fast-track? It doesn't have to be EXACTLY 2,000 pounds, but the more massive, the more mojo when I slaughter it. The root-lady says that I need it by next Wednesday to avoid incredible disaster.

Production numbers are attached on page 2 of this memo.

Call me at BR-549 if you have any questions.

Yours, from work,

The Weekend Duty Guy.

Do you reckon THAT would get some attention at corporate headquarters?


Hopefully it might induce group fatal apoplexy in enough of them that they would no longer be able to create committees, fora, bonding-exercise seminars, etc., due to lack of personnel in the upper ranks!

Posted by: MommaBear on June 8, 2003 09:22 AM

You're a sick man. I thought the goats were used along with the midget and the black chick in the tutu during your ritualistic sex ceremony. Did you forget that part?

Posted by: Da Goddess on June 8, 2003 10:47 AM

This is the Acidman we know and admire!

Posted by: Jay Solo on June 8, 2003 11:48 AM

One of my favorite memories from Hee Haw was when a rock came through the Culhanes window with a note wrapped around it: "Winders fixed cheep. Call BR-549."

Posted by: Larry on June 8, 2003 12:11 PM

Virgins! Dammit, you forgot the virgins!

How can you ever expect to have a successful sacrifice without virgins?

Virgins, a hot tub, white zin, maybe a few roses and some chocolates. . . ;-)

Posted by: Buster on June 8, 2003 12:44 PM

Nasssty goatses. Sshhitsss all over nice fissshes.

Posted by: Gollum on June 8, 2003 12:53 PM

Hmmm. Considering there's someone in management who once had you committed...

Posted by: McGehee on June 8, 2003 12:55 PM

Hell, Kevin, management engages in ritual sacrifice about once every year. They call it "reorganization."

Posted by: Acidman on June 8, 2003 01:47 PM virgins! They kill the fun.

Posted by: Da Goddess on June 8, 2003 07:11 PM

Ah, the memories! It's apparent your upper management has been hanging around the upper management of my ex employer. *LOL

A meeting to have a meeting to have a
meeting to have a meeting to have a meeting...etc ad nauseum....

Posted by: quark2 on June 9, 2003 07:33 AM
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