Gut Rumbles

December 28, 2011

roscoe update

Originally published October 9, 2003

I've been doing a lot better lately.

I think most of the soreness is gone now, and even though I still carry a semi-boner all the time because of the implants, I'm not as tender as I was and it gives me a constant bulge in the britches that most men would kill for.

I just have one or two problems.

When my next-door neighbor comes home from work and clicks her garage door opener from the car, her garage door goes up. So does Roscoe. I tried to get the same results from MY garage-door opener, but I must not have the correct frequency.

I've tried to buy that special clicker from her, but she locks the door and calls 911 if I yell "I WANT IT!" at her. What is wrong with that woman? I mean, it's not like it's HER that I want, although I wouldn't kick her out of bed. I just want HER GARAGE DOOR OPENER.

I offered to swap mine for hers. She asked why. I told her. She called 911.

I am TIRED of the police showing up at my house all the time. They damn near took me to jail last night because I offered to show a lady cop how the garage-door technology worked on a bionic dick. I was looking down the barrels of two 9mms and one thirty-eight before I could get my belt undone. And that bitch next door was running the garage door up and down the entire time.

I think the bitch next door hates me. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. I got handcuffed and patted down before the cops let me go. The lady cop helped with the frisking. She checked my crotch for weapons.

I have her phone number now.

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