Gut Rumbles

November 28, 2011

dirty words

Originally published September 20, 2003

You know what I believe are the two most disgusting words I ever heard? You probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

The most disgusting word I ever heard: "VAGINA"

"Vagina" should either be the name of a state that grows a lot of tobacco, or the word should be banned from the English language. It's a six-letter word with three syllables in it. That's just wrong in and of itself. Plus, it is a dirty word that describes something delightful.

When I am King, all "vaginas" will be called "pussies" forevermore.

Think about it. Would you rather pet a "vagina," where the word itself makes you want to keep close track of the fingers on your hand lest they be lopped off by some Latin word with teeth, or would you prefer to pet a "pussy," which is all warm and fuzzy? I call this one a no-brainer.

The other most disgusting word in the English language is: Penis

Just roll "penis" around in your mouth for a minute (especially you wimmen!) and feel how uncomfortable that word really is. Rolling a REAL one around in your mouth is not bad at all, or so I've been told, but that word just... well, sucks.

Try "crank," "Roscoe," "cock," "tube steak," "the one-eyed warrior" or ANYTHING ELSE. No matter what you call it, it's better than "penis," which sounds like the name of a boy from Arkansas who pissed his pants a lot when he was in your third-grade class.

I am becoming obsessed with this alphabet thing. Why are "ointment" and "hemorhoid" perfectly acceptable words, when "pussy" is not? Which one would YOU rather lay your hand on? Which one would you rather lay your FACE on?

Give me pussy over ointment and hemorhoids any day. And keep that penis away from me.

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