Gut Rumbles

June 21, 2011


Originally published September 28, 2004

Why does almost every new site I visit have a picture of a fucking cat on it? What is it with you people and cats? I fucking HATE cats! Get a goddam DOG, for crying out loud.

Bejus! Let me tell you the difference between cats and dogs.

*Cats are expected to shit and piss in the house. The fact that they do it in a box does not make their shit and piss smell any better. Dogs go outside.

*Dogs come to you when you call them. If cats had fingers, they'd shoot you the bird when you called them. Ungrateful fucks.

*Cats "clean" themselves by licking all over their bodies with a sandpaper tongue. Then, they hack up hairballs on the living room rug. Dogs just like to stay dirty and lick their nuts. If they want to vomit, they'll go eat some grass first, then throw up OUTSIDE.

* A dog loves you unconditionally. A cat tolerates your ass.

* I never woke up in the middle of the night with a dog sitting on my chest with evil in its eyes. Cats do that, while plotting to steal your breath or cut your throat while you sleep.

* Cats don't like to ride in the truck with their heads stuck out the passenger window so that they can enjoy a 60 MPH breeze in the face while leaving slobber-trails all over the place from an extended tongue. I like animals who do that. Cats just get pissed off when you put them in a truck.

* Dogs chew on things when they are puppies. They outgrow that destructive phase. Cats claw expensive shit as long as they live.

* You can have a waterbed and allow a dog to sleep on it with you. A cat will destroy that fucker.

* A dog never notices that you have potted plants in the house. A cat climbs them, claws them and pisses on them.

* Cat-piss smells worse than dog-piss does.

* You'll never have to call for help to get your stranded dog out of a tree. This is no shit. My son's dumbass cat climbed a tree and couldn't get down. It was stuck in the high branches and a hawk started circling above it. The BC called the fire department (I am NOT making this up) and they told her that they didn't rescue stupid cats anymore. The cat spent the night in the tree while meowing its ass off all night long. I went out the next morning, waited until the shitwit climbed out on a tiny limb and then I shot the limb out from under it with my .22 rifle. The cat tumbled about 40 feet through leaves and branches, then hit the ground on its feet. It gave me a look that said, "I MEANT to do that."

I should have shot the cat.

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