Gut Rumbles

August 25, 2009


Originally PUBLISHED October 19, 2003

I've always kept bird-feeders in my yard and I really like watching my feathered friends eat, court and spark around my house. When the squirrels invaded, I bought a Crossman pellet rifle and a 7X scope to knock the tree rats out of my bird feeders, and I've killed damn near a hundred of those fucking fuzzy-tailed rats since then. I feel no compunction at all about shooting a squirrel out of one of my bird-feeders. They don't belong there.

When I lived on the mini-farm, I had a family of cardinals who nested in the same tree every year and raised younguns until the BC insisted that we adopt a fucking cat, who killed the mama bird and put an end to that generational thing. I shot the cat in the ass with the pellet gun for doing that, but it remained a cat. (Yeah. That's the one I shot out of a tree.)

I had a family of mockingbirds that nested in a lagustrum bush near the house. If I went outside to play my guitar, the male would try to sing me down as soon as I started picking. Something about the sound of a guitar really pissed him off. He would land on the phone line just over my head and start shitting and singing his fool ass off. I played and mocked back at him and damn near drove the bird into a frenzy. I learned a lot of mockingbird calls from that experience. The bastard also pecked me in the back of the head a couple of times when I didn't see him coming. I don't think he liked me.

I had seven different hummingbirds that hung around my house. You want to see a bird with more balls than brains? Watch hummers in action. They'll attack anything, including each other, and they fly like jet fighters. The hummingbird feeders were all filled with red sugar-juice and I made the mistake of walking outside one day while wearing a red t-shirt. I was swarmed by the little shits. They buzzed me like bees, checking out that red t-shirt. One of them even plucked at my chest with its beak before flying away in frustration. I kinda liked that.

I also had a magnificent couple of giant red-headed woodpeckers who lived somewhere back in the woods. They would show up every morning and the female would land in a pine tree. The male would then demonstrate just how pussy-whipped he was by flying to the bird feeder, collecting a sunflower seed, bringing it back to the pine tree, cracking it in a special hole he pecked there, then feeding it to his mate, beak to beak He did that over and over until she was done with breakfast. Then, they flew off back into the woods together.

I'm attracting birds around the Crackerbox now. I don't believe that I'll ever have the environment that I did on the mini-farm, but I'm gaining on it. I've got a mocker who doesn't like the sound of a guitar and the hummingbirds are numerous where I live. I'm going to hang some suet tomorrow because the weather is turning cold and migratory flyers like that fat.

I like my birds.

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