May 16, 2009

Dumbfuck names

Originally published November 12, 2003

I've lived my entire life being named Robert Smith. I have always hated that name. I didn't hate it because I wasn't proud of it. Hell, that was my daddy's name and the name of HIS DADDY before him and they both were fine men. I hated it because the name was just so goddam ordinary.

I get mail and phone calls all the time from people looking for a "Robert Smith" who isn't me. I wish I had a different name. I like "Acidman."

When I named my son, I picked a distinctive, Southern name for him. He is Quinton Robert Smith. His initials will never embarrass him (QRS) and he will never sit in a row of THREE Robert Smiths the way I did in school, when we were seated in alphabetical order by MIDDLE INITIAL, for crying out loud. I hope that I spared him some of what I endured in my life.

Plus, I never expected the world to change to suit my boy. I expect HIM to adapt to whatever the world throws his way. I just tried to start him down the proper path by giving him a good name to go by.

That's why I don't understand ANY parent who inflicts a HORRIBLE NAME on a newborn baby. Why would any sane person name a child "Abdul-el Jazzarra?" WTF were you thinking when you cursed your child that way? Want him to go far in life? Want him to succeed? Then GIVE HIM THAT FUCKING NAME, YOU IGNORANT ASSWIPE!

Yeah, that'll work if he has an NBA basketball career. Otherwise, you fucked that kid right from the cradle. He'd be a lot better off being a Robert Smith.

Why do some parents come up with names such as "Theron" and "La'Misha" and "De'Wantaine" for their children? Got-Damn! If you're going to give your children a clown-name, why not just call them "Soda Cracker" or "Hood Ornament?" Try "Shithead." Yeah, I saw that one once, and I was told right away that it was pronounced "Shith-HEED." Sure looked like "shit-head" to me. Isn't that one hell of a name to give a child?

I would never name a child of mine "Irving." That name sucks. I've never liked the name "Harvey." I'm not fond of "Corky," either. But I would die and go to hell before I would name a son of mine "Rasheed."

Robert Smith is a common name. But I'll bet that you find more "Rasheeds" in prison than you do Robert Smiths. I don't know that for a fact, but I'm willing to bet you that I'm right.

Robert Smiths have fathers. A lot of Rasheeds don't.

Rasheed sure is a pretty name, isn't it? It's almost as pretty as Shithead.