May 14, 2009

Wanting what you can't have

Originally published November 12, 2003

If you haven't noticed, I am in a shitty mood today. I don't care who I piss off and I'm ready for a fight. I don't care where the fight comes from. I'm dying to pick one.

I did a lot of thinking last night and I didn't like where my thoughts led me. I've always seen life as a battle of the good guys versus the bad guys, and I always counted myself on the side of the good guys. Hell, I'll be the first person to tell you that IF EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD BEHAVED THE WAY I DO, THIS WOULD BE A CIVILIZED PLANET!

Suppose you looked around one day and found yourself on the wrong side of the fence? You're suddenly over there with the bad guys and you want MORE of what you found there. When I saw where I was, I knew that I couldn't stay there. I didn't want to be there in the first place and I WON'T go there any more. I am just not built that way. I jumped back to the right side of the fence as quickly as I could.

I look over that fence and I like what I see on the other side. I wish that I could have it. But I have no business being over there. I don't belong on that side of the fence. I know my place and I also know now that I can't be comfortable anywhere else.

I am what I am. After 51 years of life, I understand that fact now.

I'll look over that fence, but I'll never cross it again.

(Yeah, there's an allegory alert here)