Gut Rumbles

May 10, 2009

Alarm systems

Originally published November 12, 2003

Some outfit called ADT or some such made a house call on me this week. They were willing to put over $800 dollars worth of electronic security in my home for FREE, if I let them put a sign in the yard and I then paid a $30 per month service conract. I listened to their spiel.

Then, I reached under the couch and pulled out a pistol. They shrank like spiders on a hot stove. "Do you know what this is?" I asked. Of course they didn't know. "It's security," I said. "It's a Colt five-shot .38 revolver loaded with hollowpoints. I keep it here all the time." I put it back under the couch.

"See that coat-rack over there in the corner?" I asked. They nodded. I stood up and walked over to it. "My grandfather made this," I said, as I reached behind it and pulled out a .22 rifle. "I bought this at K-Mart," I said, as I showed them the rifle. "It stays loaded, too. That's security." I put the rifle back behind the coats.

"Would you like someting to drink?" I asked. "I have some Mountain Dew in the refrigerator. Or water if you would prefer that." They asked for Mountain Dew, so I went to the kitchen and fetched two cans. I also came back with another pistol. "This is a Marlin .22 target pistol with a 9" barrel. It holds 10 rounds and I keep it on top of the refrigerator. I shoot squirrels with it sometimes, but I call it security." They were suitably impressed, so I put the pistol back on top of the refrigerator.

"If you look over there behind the front door, you'll see an aluminium baseball bat. I don't play baseball and that bat does not belong to my son. I call that security." They nodded.

"If you want to walk down the hall, I'll show you the 9mm pistol in the bedroom, the .410 shotgun in the closet, the derringer in my bathroom, the .12-gauge in my OTHER closet and two more baseball bats. I have another .38 pistol in my sock-drawer. I call that security."

They agreed that I probably didn't want to buy what they were selling. I didn't buy and they went away when they finished their Mountain Dews.

Quinton knows where every gun in this house is located. He also knows that all of them are loaded and he's supposed to keep his hands off of them. He's never even thought about violating those rules. I don't find that fact to be amazing. My grandpa's house was FULL of guns and kids just didn't touch them without permission. We were raised that way.

I don't need an electronic security system. I feel secure all by myself.

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