Gut Rumbles

March 22, 2009


Originally published November 18, 2003

I once slept with a woman who did not shave her legs or her armpits. I was attending the University of Georgia at the time and we got semi-drunk together after an intra-mural softball game. She was a liberated feminist and about as full of shit as anyone I've ever met in my life, but I was attracted to her. We ended up in my bed-- the feminist and the chauvinist, tangling the sheets.

I remember two distinct things about that night. First, she was multi-orgasmic and LOVED sex, no matter what she said about all men being swine. Second, having those hairy legs wrapped around me was a complete turn-off. I thought that it was kinda kinky at first, but I quickly realized that a woman's legs AREN'T SUPPOSED TO FEEL THAT WAY.

They just aren't. Wimmen, listen to Acidman. Smooth, hairless legs with pretty red toenails on the end are a GOOD thing. Go for that look no matter what you think about men. Trust me. Even other wimmen think you look like Bigfoot if you don't shave your legs.

DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, wear panty-hose with unshaven legs. That leg-hair resembles tiny little worms plastered to your skin under the nylon. That is a hideous look. Don't do that.

I'll give myself an out here by saying that I didn't know that the woman involved that night did not shave her legs until I peeled off her blue jeans and panties. I was surprised by what I found, but it was too late to stop by then. Nature took its course. I was a young man and full of piss and vinegar back then.

Faced with the same situation today, I might say, "Goddam! What the fuck is that shit all over your legs? Get out of here and don't come back until you take some pride in your personal hygene! Bejus, woman! Do you realize how disgusting that is?"

Of course, I might ignore the leg-hair and just screw her anyway. I believe that my reaction all depends on the mood I'm in at the time. I got past leg-hair on a woman once.

I probably could do it again.

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