Gut Rumbles

February 23, 2009

Guys do things wimmen don't

Originally published February 9, 2004

Guys piss outdoors a lot. We're built with the right equipment and we like to air that thing out over a big fire-ant mound every now and then. It sure pisses the ants off.

Wimmen have feminine bathrooms where they all go to congregate in a gaggle as soon as they hit a restaurant. Guys shit side-by-side in the woods and share a roll of toilet paper.

Wimmen don't know a pissant from a sugar ant. Pissants are large, orange ants who dig small holes all over the place. They'll leave you alone if you leave them alone. Sugar ants operate in armies. They are small and black, but those bastards will form a marching line that reaches 100 yards if they find something they like to eat. You'll see one line going to fetch and one line returning with the goodies. I've seen thousands of them at work and they negotiate their routes better than drivers on Highway 21. They are not aggressive, but they are ravenous. If they make a trail into your house, you have to kill them all to get rid of them. I use Raid for a quick body-count, but 5% Borax works, too.

Fire ants are small and red and they build huge mounds populated by millions of ants. They are aggressive bastards and kill several people every year by biting them a billion times or so. I've been chewed more times than I can remember by the sneaky shits, and if you get a bunch on you all over at once, you'll roll on the ground like a dog trying to pass a peach seed. The bites hurt and they leave tiny, white blisters in their wake. Pop the blister and you still end up with a red welt that will itch for three days. Get about 50 on you at one time. You'll never forget fire ants again.

I use grits and Amdro to wipe out the mounds. Grits do kill them because the ants eat them dry, then drink water and swell up to explode. Amdro just moves the mound around. Put Amdro on a fire ant mound and the mound dies. Three other smaller ones pop up nearby. I spend every summer in a contest with my neighbor seeing who can run the most ants into the other person's yard. We usually battle to a tie.

"No see-em's" are sand gnats. They are nothing but flying teeth and they will eat you up given the opportunity. They are no bigger than a pinhead, but they swarm in droves and can drink their weight in blood. They live in the sand, then emerge when they feel the vibration of prey walking the soil.

DEET won't deter those fuckers. Avon's Skin So Soft is the only thing I've ever found that will keep those pests away. Avon sells a gang of that concoction every spring down here, and nobody uses it for anything but insect repellent.

What's the difference between a roach and a palmetto bug?

If your child were going to be bitten by a poisonious spider, would you rather it be a Brown Recluse or a Black Widow?

What poisionous snake bites more people every year than any other? (Good news: the victim almost never dies. But kill the snake and take it to the doctor anyway.)

How can you tell how old a rattlesnake is?

It's not a good idea to take a menstruating woman camping.

Speaking of camping, there is so such thing as having too much whiskey, too much firewood or too much toilet paper on a camping trip.

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