Gut Rumbles

February 19, 2009

More on the South

Originally published February 8, 2004

* What's the difference between a pissant, a fire and and a sugar ant?

* What is a genuine "No see-em?" What's the only potion that will keep those flying teeth from eating you alive?

* How do you tell the difference between a King snake and a coral snake?

*The Coral snake is the only actual asp in the Notrthern hemishpere, and it will kill you dead if one bites you. Study the color of his stripes, because he looks a lot like a king snake. (Yellow on red, kill you dead. Black on yellow, friendly fellow) Only the stripes are different. I've had corals crawl all over me in the woods, but they have small mouths and they can hit you only between the fingers or someplace easy to get to. I've picked up coral snakes and tossed them down the mountain many a time. I've never killed a King Snake.

I ran through a passel of copperheads and rattlesnakes. That's when I bought the snakeshot and the silent bullets. The best thing I know to shoot a snake with now is my .410 shotgun. That's a head remover. But when I saw that fat 5-foot rattler sunning on my porch I went for the .12 guage that day. That was a fat, mean-looking rascal.

I got him with one shot, but I had to position his ass first. That wasn't easy because I made him all pissed off when I hooked him with the golf ball retriever and tossed him out in the yard. He made a run for the woods after that, but he wasn't quick enough. I blew his head off and buried him right where he died. At least I could see him.

Shit. Knock a golf ball into the palmetto flat rough on a golf course. Take two steps in there looking for the ball and listen to the noise you hear. Okay, snakes keep the ball and I take a drop.

I don't mind killing snakes when I can see them. But they sound like a pack of locusts in a paletto flat. You can't tell how close they are, how big they are or where they're coming from. You back you ass out of there and give up the ball.

Oh, I have snake stories I could tell.

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