Gut Rumbles

February 14, 2009


Originally published February 7, 2004

I've often believed that I could be a good actor. Spend six years on stage playing solo. then supervise people for 24 years. Don't tell me you don't learn to act.

But I never wanted to be a leading man. I wanted the play the Dennis Hopper role or some kind of super-villian. You know, a really over-the-top, chew the carpet, drool and slool part. I could do that.

I could do Tim Roth, too.

But I can see the future of my acting career. I'll auditon forever, until I finally win the role of "The Guy With The Cigarette." I get to dress really cool, like some sexually confused metrosexual. I ask the cop behind the crime tape for a light. He takes a lit cigarette from his mouth. crushes it under his boot and tells me to fuck myself if I don't die of terminal dumbass, first.

I have a speaking line. "I guess that's a 'no' to the light, huh?"

Over the next couple of weeks, I'm filming "Vampire Wimmen of the Forest" Jack and Quinion get to be the heroes, complete with wooden stakes, but I get bitten in the neck by young vampire wimmen several times in the film. Hell, I wrote it, so I can be bitten all I want.

Right now I need a silver-haired professorial type to play Van Helsing (I'm not old enough for that role yet), Christopher Reeve to play Dracula and Nicole Kidman to give the the last bite while she wears nothing but red toenail polish in the woods.

I think the movie is a winner.

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