Gut Rumbles

December 19, 2008

I am losing my mind

Originally published July 27, 2005

I went into the kitchen to re-heat my steak (It's a big 'un. I'm taking this one in two shifts) and I heard that horrible "beee-weee-WEEP!" sound that you get when you dialed a wrong number on the telephone. I checked my phone, and it wasn't making that noise.

I checked my stove, where I was re-heating my supper. It wasn't making that noise, either. I knew damn well that the ice-maker didn't produce that sound, even on a very bad ice-maker day. I checked the refrigerator anyway. No, that wasn't it. I wondered if I had some sentient fungus calling for its mama from my sink.

Nope, nothing there but dirty dishes.

By this time, I had put myself into a "I need to piss" mode, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. The sound followed me into the bathroom. A horrible idea washed over me: "IT'S MY DICK!!! MY DICK IS MAKING THAT NOISE!!!"


Um... I have to admit that I over-reacted. Have you ever had a "whistling booger" stuck in your nose that you didn't realize was there? Did you walk around for damn near 30 minutes trying to find where the "beee-weee-WEEP!" sound was coming from, only to discover that it was coming out of your NOSE??? Did you blow your nose and solve the problem?

Good. That's never happened to ME, either.

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