Gut Rumbles

November 10, 2008

Interesting topic

Originally published August 27, 2005

I once claimed that if I had to give up one of my senses, I would choose the sense of smell, because I believe that stinking things are worse than delightful aromas are good. I read this post and decided to turn it around.

Everybody knows what smells good. I'm going to give you ten things that smell BAD!!!

1) Dog shit on your shoe. Especially when you're wearing a pair of those waffle-soled Nikes where you have to scrape the shit off with a toothpick.

2) Rotting garbage. At one point in my colorful career, I burned trash to fire two 60 KPPH boilers and generate 3 megawatts of electricity. The "pit" held 5,000 tons of trash and it stunk to high heaven. It was like working on a maggot farm. I was always worried about finding a dead body in there.

3) A dead skunk. I've tried to clean up a dog that fucked with the wrong creature, and I couldn't find any way to do it. That stench just has to wear off. But if a skunk gets hit by a car, you can smell it for miles.

4) A dog fart. Holey-Moley!!! Old Bud used to let one rip and wag his tail to fan the fumes around. He could clear out the entire house with just one. If he got into rapid-fire mode, HIS ass spent the night outside. You could not survive any other way.

5) Dead fish. That's a rotten smell. I met a woman once who appeared to be carrying one around in her panties. At least it smelled that way. She wanted to give me some, but I passed on that opportunity.

6) A paper mill. I live around three of those plants and despite the pollution-control technology introduced lately, they still smell like egg-farts. Drive by one and you'll gag.

7) Burning sulfur. During my years at the Acid Plant, I became accustomed to that aroma, but I never learned to like it. Get a whiff and your nose burns before you actually realize how bad the smell is. Get a good whiff and you smell NOTHING for hours after that.

8) Body odor. That's one thing that chaps my ass about airplane travel. You can't SMOKE on board the plane, but nobody restricts some asshole who hasn't taken a bath in a month from sitting in the seat next to you, making you wish you were back working at the trash-burner. What's even worse is when the asshole douses himself with a half-bottle of English Leather in a futile attempt to make himself smell good. GAG!

9) Bus station bathrooms. I think I'd rather smell piss and shit than the "disinfectant" custodians use in those places. That crap will peel the hair right outta your nose and damn near take it off your head, too.

10) A wet dog. Smells like an old carpet wiped by many sweaty bare feet.

Have a good day. I hope all your smells are good ones.

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