Gut Rumbles

October 03, 2008

Why not?

Originally published September 29, 2004

This will be a long and boring post, but I've got nothing better to do today. Besides, a lot of OTHER bloggers are doing it, and I don't want to swim against the tide.

200 Things

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink--damn right I have.
02. Swam with wild dolphins-- yes.
03. Climbed a mountain--many of them
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive-- never, although I want to.
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid-- no, and I DON'T want to.
06. Held a tarantula.--yes. I like spiders.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone--yes, more than once.
08. Said I love you" and meant it--- yes, only once and that woman betrayed me.
09. Hugged a tree-- Huh? I have a picture of me kissing the ass of the "butt-tree" on Blood Mountain, but I never hugged the thing.
10. Done a striptease-- Heh. Yes, including once in a gay bar in Key West. That's a long story, involving a lot of tequila, but trust me--- the crowd loved it.
11. Bungee jumped--Nope, and I don't want to.
12. Visited Paris--Nope. And I don't want to.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea-- Bejus! I've had the shit scared out of me many times in the middle of Mother Nature's fury on the water.
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise-- Once did it almost every night.
15. Seen the Northern Lights-- Nope. But I want to.
16. Gone to a huge sports game-- Do UGA football games count?
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa--Naw.
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables--Yes. Plenty of them.
19. Touched an iceberg--Yes.
20. Slept under the stars-- Too many times to remember.
21. Changed a baby's diaper-- Yes. Didn't like doing it, but I did it.
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon--No.
23. Watched a meteor shower-- WOW! Several times.
24. Gotten drunk on champagne-- Yes.
25. Given more than you can afford to charity--Yes.
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope--Yes.
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment--No. Only wimmen do that.
28. Had a food fight-- Oh, HELL YEAH!!! I'm a fan of the Three Stooges. I like a good pie-fight.
29. Bet on a winning horse--No. The dogs fuck me every time I bet on them, too.
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill-- I plead the 5th Amendment.
31. Asked out a stranger-- Yeah. And she often said "yes," too.
32. Had a snowball fight-- Of course.
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier--No. I did lay my balls on there once. Does that count?
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can--Yeah. On the free-fall ride at Six Flags in Atlanta.
35. Held a lamb-- No, but I roped a few goats.
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy-- Yep. And it was a good as I expected it to be.
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip-- Frequently.
38. Taken an ice cold bath--Yeah, but not because I WANTED to.
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar-- Fuck a beggar.
40. Seen a total eclipse-- Yeah. In Savannah around 1974. Amazing. The day went totally dark about noon that day and it confused the shit out of all the birds.
41. Rode on a roller coaster--Yes.
42. Hit a home run--Yes.
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days--I don't understand the question. I've lived three days that FELT like three weeks, but those weren't pleasant experiences.
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking-- I dance like a fucktard. And I don't care who's looking.
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day--Nope.
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors-- I don't know where that might be.
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment--Yes.
48. Had two hard drives for your computer--What's a "hard drive?"
49. Visited all 50 states--Just 37, but still counting.
50. Loved your job for all accounts-- Never.
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced-- Yes. And the same people often did the same for me.
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied-- Yes.
53. Had amazing friends--Yes.
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country--Yes!!! Even if I did dance like a fucktard.
55. Watched wild whales-- I've only seen two in the ocean, but I guess that's still a yes.
56. Stolen a sign-- I plead the 5th Amendment.
57. Backpacked in Europe--Nope. Nevr been there.
58. Taken a road-trip-- Yeah. MANY of them.
59. Rock climbing--No.
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice--Umm... does a Custom's Official count? If so, then a resounding YES!
61. Midnight walk on the beach-- Plenty of times.
62. Sky diving-- No, and I never will jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
63. Visited Ireland-- No.
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love--I'm still working on that one.
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them--Yes.
66. Visited Japan--No.
67. Benchpressed your own weight-- I once could bench-press almost TWICE my weight back during my jockstrap days. I weighed 145 and I could bench-press 270. Now I get sore if I lift too many cans of beer.
68. Milked a cow--Tried, but I pissed off the cow. Got no milk.
69. Alphabetized your records-- No.
70. Pretended to be a superhero-- Yeah, as a kid.
71. Sung karaoke-- Damn right. I did it in Spanish, too.
72. Lounged around in bed all day--Yeah. With a partner.
73. Posed nude in front of strangers-- Yep. Done that, too.
74. Scuba diving--No. I don't know if my sinuses could take it.
75. Got it on to Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye--No.
76. Kissed in the rain--Of course.
77. Played in the mud--Damn Right.
78. Played in the rain--Damn Right.
79. Gone to a drive-in theater--I've done everything you could possibly do at a drive-in theater.
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.--Yep.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China--No.
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog--Yep.
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better--No.
84. Started a business--Does dealing dope count?
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken--No.
86. Toured ancient sites--Sure. I've been to bed with older wimmen.
87. Taken a martial arts class--No.
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman--No.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight--Yes. I was a 12th level Magic User before I got killed.
90. Gotten married--Twice.
91. Been in a movie--Once.
92. Crashed a party-- Who? Me?
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have-- Read my archives.
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy--I think so.
95. Gotten divorced--Yes. Twice.
96. Had sex at the office--Never.
97. Gone without food for 5 days--Yes. But I never ran out of cigarettes.
98. Made cookies from scratch--No.
99. Won first prize in a costume contest--No.
100. Rode a gondola in Venice--No
101. Gotten a tattoo--No.
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on--YES!!!!
103. Rafted the Snake River--No, but I've canoed the Apalatchee, the Oconee and the Nantapahala.
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"-- At WHAT?
105. Got flowers for no reason-- No, but I have sent flowers for no reason.
106. Masturbated in a public place-- I plead the 5th Amendment.
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything--I don't remember doing that.
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug--Uhhh... define "addicted."
109. Performed on stage---BWHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! No, never.
110. Been to Las Vegas--No
111. Recorded music-- Many times
112. Eaten shark--Yes.
113. Had a one-night stand---BWHAHAHAHA!!! No. Never.
114. Gone to Thailand--No
115. Seen Siouxsie live--Never heard of whoever that it.
116. Bought a house-- Five of them.
117. Been in a combat zone-- Does River Street count?
118. Buried one/both of your parents-- Just one, so far.
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off-- Yes.
120. Been on a cruise ship--No, not yet.
121. Spoken more than one language fluently--I can speak some Spanish, but I'm not fluent yet.
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone--Yes.
123. Bounced a check--I never did but my first ex-wife was damn good at that job.
124. Performed in Rocky Horror--No, but I dressed up to go watch the movie at midnight once. I was a sweet transvestite from Transylvania.
125. Read - and understood - your credit report--Fuck my credit.
126. Raised children-- Well, I TRIED.
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy--No.
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour--No.
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars--That's just fucking ridiculous.
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country--No.
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did--Yes.
132. Called or written your Congress person--Many times.
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over--Sorta
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?-- Three times.
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge--No.
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking--Hell, yes!
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did--Yes, and I am ashamed of that fact.
138. Had plastic surgery--No
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived--A most definite YES!
140. Wrote articles for a large publication-- Do the Savannah Morning News and the Effingham Herald count? If so, then yes,
141. Lost over 100 pounds--Hell, no.
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback--No.
143. Piloted an airplane--No.
144. Petted a stingray--No, but I've eaten a few of them.
145. Broken someone's heart-- Yes, and I am ashamed of myself today.
146. Helped an animal give birth--No.
147. Been fired or laid off from a job---BWHAHAHA!!! Of COURSE not!
148. Won money on a T.V. game show--No.
149. Broken a bone-- "A bone?" How about "several."
150. Killed a human being -- Not Yet.
151. Gone on an African photo safari --No
152. Rode on a motorcycle--Yes. I didn't like it very much.
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph--Many times.
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced-- Only by surgeons.
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol-- BWHAHAHA!!! Of course not.
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild---Oh, boy...have I ever done that? Yeah... some really GOOD mushrooms, too.
157. Rode a horse--Yeah, and I preferred motorcycles.
158. Had major surgery--- Is cancer surgery "major?"
159. Had sex on a moving train-- Not yet.
160. Had a snake as a pet--FUCK NO!!! I hate snakes worse than I do cats.
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon--No.
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing--Yes.
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours--I don't remember. I was asleep.
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states--No.
165. Visited all 7 continents--No.
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days--Yes.
167. Eaten kangaroo meat--Not yet.
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground--No.
169. Been a sperm or egg donor--- I've donated a lot of sperm in my life, but I just did it one shot at a time with someone I enjoyed being with.
170. Eaten sushi-- No.
171. Had your picture in the newspaper--- Many times.
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime-- Define "healthy?"
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about--No.
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions---Yes. That was my job for a long time.
175. Gone back to school--No.
176. Parasailed--No
177. Changed your name-- Does being "Acidman" count?
178. Petted a cockroach--FUCK NO!!!
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes--Yes, and I really like them.
180. Read The Iliad-- Yes. and The Odyssey, too.
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read--Yes.
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them--No.
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you--No.
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch--If playing music counts, then sure.
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating--Yes.
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt--Yes.
187. Skipped all your school reunions--No. But I'll probably skip the rest of them.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language--Yes.
189. Been elected to public office--No. I never wanted the job.
190. Written your own computer language-- HELL NO!
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream-- Yes. But it turned out to be a nightmare.
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care--No.
193. Built your own PC from parts--No.
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you--No.
195. Had a booth at a street fair--No
196: Dyed your hair--Yes. And I discovered that I was allergic to the dye.
197: Been a DJ--No
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal--No.
199: Written your own role playing game--No.
200: Been arrested---I plead the 5th Amendment.

There. Wasn't that fun?

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