Gut Rumbles

September 27, 2008

hot buns

Originally PUBLISHED May 11, 2005

I had to go to the post office in Springfield this morning, so I drove my mama's car today for the first time since I got it more than a week ago. It's a nice vehicle, with all the bells and whistles. It has only 10,000 miles on it.

But it has one feature that I'm not certain that I want in a car I drive in southeast Georgia. It has a BUTT-WARMER built into the seat. I shit you not. The SEAT has a heater in it.

I pulled out of the driveway and noticed about 100 yards down the road that my butt was becoming nicely warmed without anyone playing with it. Nice, I thought at first. This hot-seat would be really pleasant on a cold winter morning.

But this ain't a cold winter morning. The temperature is supposed to reach above 80 degrees today. After a while, that butt-warmer became uncomfortable. I looked all over the dashboard trying to locate some kind of on-off switch, but I couldn't find one.

By the time I got back from the post office, I had damn near toasted my codsack. My cojones were becoming roasted oysters. That device was cooking me alive and I still haven't figured out how to turn it off.

Just Damn! Looks like I'm going to have to read the owner's manual before all my manly parts fall off like tender meat from a well-grilled pig if I ever drive for more than an hour in that thing. That's a damn Yankee feature for a car.

I don't need it down South.

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