Gut Rumbles

September 25, 2008

on beards

Originally PUBLISHED February 4,2005

I grow thick and heavy black whiskers around my mouth and chin. I can grow a full moustache and goatee in two weeks from a baby's ass beginning. I've worn a moustache for years and I sometimes add a beard to go with it. But the beard never looks right.

I don't have enough sideburn whiskers to grow a full beard. If I stop shaving altogether, I start to look skanky really fast. I get chin whiskers out the wazoo, but just scraggy hairs on the rest of my face. I look like Fido's Ass.

So, I shave. I use a Gillette razor with those expensive-assed blades in it. If I wait three days to shave, I can clog one of those fuckers like a plugged roof drain when oak leaves are falling. I spend more time cleaning my razor than I do shaving my face.

My grandfather always shaved with a straight razor, a true work of art that he sharpened on a leather strop (which he also used to sharpen my ASS on more than one occasion). He had one of those old shaving bowls where you mixed your soap lather with a big whisk-brush and then applied it to your face. I watched him do it 100 times or more. It was the manliest thing I ever saw in my life at the time.

After Papaw got older, he switched to a safety razor, but he still had that old straight-blade in its case with the strop. I HAD to try it. So, I did one fine day. I mixed up the soap in the lathering dish, I used the whisk to apply it to my face, I stropped that razor to an edge of death and I commenced to shave.

I almost cut my own fucking throat.

GOT DAM!!! A straight-razor don't PLAY, boys and girls. You can peel half your fucking face off with one swipe and not even KNOW it until you see all the blood. Then try to get that shit to stop bleeding. I wouldn't recommend straight razors for hemophiliacs.

I don't care what safety razor blades cost. They are worth every penny.

Try a straight-razor and tell me I'm wrong.

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