August 22, 2008

mr. smith goes to washington

Originally PUBLISHED January 27, 2005

I could never be elected to public office because my track record is too easy to follow. I have not ALWAYS walked the straight and narrow path, and I believe that a couple of files exist somewhere in a formal government office, in a cabinet waaay in the back, with a set of fingerprints and a very nice black-and-white photo included in the file.

Man, as soon as I announced my candidacy, that shit would be on "The Smoking Gun" and I'd have Morely "The Living Dead" Sheafer sticking a microphone in my face for an interview on 60 Minutes. Can you just imagine how I would handle THAT???

"Ladies and gentlemen... see this file??? Well, every bit of it is true and I was guilty as shit when I went to jail. I FUCKED UP!!! The cops did their job, and I'm not gonna say that they were NICE to me, but nobody brutalized my ass. I've got no complaints in that department. I got what was coming to me.

I didn't like sitting in jail, but being the perceptive person I am, I received the distinct impression that I wasn't SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT there, and I didn't. I haven't been back since, either. I think the law taught me a vaulable lesson.

But... of course,.... as for these accusations ... I did EVERY BIT OF IT!!! Now, FUCK YOU, kiss my Cracker ass and get outta my yard!""

You can see how far my campaign would go. Nowhere. Or MAYBE... just MAYBE... I could start a grass-roots movement, REPROBATES FOR ROB!!! and storm the country. Our battle cry would be, "Kiss My Ass and Get Outta My Yard!"

We would campaign at gun shows and exploit loopholes. We would launch "Libertarian Research Commissions" to Costa Rica to explore... you just come along and I'LL show you what to explore. We would... make a mockery of the entire election process, but at least we would be honest about it. That's more than the other two parties can say.

I'm gonna plan my strategy at Jekyll Island. The ground for recruits may be rich there.