Gut Rumbles

July 09, 2008


Originally PUBLISHED July 13, 2004

When I was talking to the reporter from People Magazine today, she asked me why I kept blogging when I began to suspect that it might cost me a lot if I kept doing it. I gave her three reasons.

First, I know good and well that I would be dead now if I didn't have this blog. Only people from the Original Crew or the ones who go 'waaaay back in the archives know just how hurt and broken I was when I started writing on the internet. I DID wake up every morning and look at my alarm clock on one side of the bed and a .38 pistol on the other side and wonder which one I would reach for. I was that bad off.

Second, writing every evening gave me something to do to fill in TIME, which weighed on me like a ton of bricks in those days. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I knew the woman I STILL loved was screwing around like a mink in heat, right in front of my face and my friends, and I had a dead dick and an ugly scar running from my navel to my crotch. I lost 30 pounds and I've never gained it back, and I wasn't a real hefty guy to begin with. If I wasn't busy doing something else, I dwelled on that shit and it sucked me into a black hole of depression. I could fill in the sunset hours at my keyboard and I didn't think about anything else. That was a blessing.

Third, I feel a sense of "community" in the blog-world. If you look down my blogroll, you'll find some interesting people there. I've met a bunch of them by now, and I hope to meet many more, but I know it's unlikely that I'll ever see 'em all. Still, I believe that I KNOW THOSE PEOPLE!!! They are like an extended family to me. Some of them piss me off, some of them make me laugh and some of them make me want to hug them--- you know, just like family. I don't know what it is, but something about blogging makes me feel connected and I got that feeling at a time in my life when I needed it the most. I thought that I had lost everything. I was sinking fast.

But I didn't drown. I always reached for the alarm clock instead of the .38. I did that because of the Original Crew and the outlet for my emotions that I found here. You can like me or you can hate me--- I just ask that you understand one thing: this blog cost me my job and it's causing me problems in divorce court. But it saved my life.

That's the truth.

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